Jokes!!

[Spacegoat]

Why aren't there more giant lizards?

Because they didn't scale well.

 

[UKMikey]

Sounds like they had the wrong size monitor.

 

[Serge.D]

 

[Famine]

I just watched a really emotional documentary about people who fake telekinesis.

It was moving stuff; really touching.

 

[UKMikey]

How do you think the unthinkable?

You thteer the thip thtraight into an itheberg.


Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

CAT scan.


I say, I say, I say... did you hear the one about the woman who lost weight by wearing bread on her head?

She was on a loaf hat diet.

 

[Spacegoat]

I installed a router in the barn.

Now I have a stable connection.

 

[Roo]

I installed a router in the barn.

Now I have a stable connection.

It's an upgrade from the old moooodem

 

[Roo]

This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special; apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.

 

[Ian JB]

A guy leaves the pub, drunk. Starts to stagger home.
He hears a woman say "25 quid for a quickie?"
He ponders for a moment. Peels 25 quid in cash from his wallet and makes his way to the park with the woman.

While engaging in the act, a policeman happens by "Here! What's going on here?"

"I am s*&£@%g my wife!" says our guy. The police man apologises and says he "No idea!"

Our guy.....

"Nor did I until you shone your bloody torch on her face!!!!!"

 

[Liquid]

Did you hear about the plane that lost altitude to eliminate a foul smell from the cabin?

It made an emergency descent.

 

[UKMikey]

My nephew keeps sending me these so I thought I'd share the pain...

 

[Pete05]

Well that didn't go to plan.

 

[UKMikey]

Just talked to an American who tells me that Kentucky can't compete with other states for sandwich spreads. He says he tried their KY jelly and it put him off his toast.

 

[Pete05]

Just talked to an American who tells me that Kentucky can't compete with other states for sandwich spreads. He says he tried their KY jelly and it put him off his toast.

😝

 

[UKMikey]

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it'd blow his cover.

 

[UKMikey]

This year's one-liner list from the Edinburgh Fringe.

Olaf Falafel: Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.

Leila Navabi: I have an unconscious bias. I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.

Sikisa: Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.

Liz Guterbock: The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.

Richard Stott: I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter. I went cold Turkey last year.

Ginny Hogan: Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself. If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.

Alison Spittle: What does Kylie sing while counting sheep? I can’t get ewe out of my head.

Eric Rushton: There’s a lot of shame surrounding sex. After I have sex with someone, they often whisper “that’s a shame”.

Kuan-Wen Huang: My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only, then it was contactless.

Amos Gill: Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

 

[UKMikey]

 

[Suzuki-Cara]

Here's one I always chuckled at.

"You know what's the best part about the ending of Half Life 1?"
"He no longer has to wear those ridiculous ties."

 

[UKMikey]

 

[daan]

If I could permanently colour one of Snow White's seven dwarves, I'd dye happy.

 

[Sprite]

Where does Kylie Minogue get her Kebabs from?

Jason’s Doner Van

 

[Ian JB]

Hi,

By definition, the fact that you are here means you are a petrolhead! So.....


Name me five formula 1 drivers named after Scottish towns!

I have made the list lower down so you can guess before seeing the answer...

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Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Lewis Hamilton
Johnny Dumfries

Also...


Ayr Town Centre

Well I thought it was funny!


Best regards to all here.


Ian

 

[UKMikey]

Today I discovered an interesting fact about pirates. Seems the hardened corsairs of the high seas didn't receive free piercings for their earrings and had to pay around 5000 doubloons for a full set.

In today's money that's about a buck an ear.

 

[opelgt1969]

Today I discovered an interesting fact about pirates. Seems the hardened corsairs of the high seas didn't receive free piercings for their earrings and had to pay around 5000 doubloons for a full set.

In today's money that's about a buck an ear.

Then I'm guessing a peg leg would cost a whopping wooden nickel?

 

[GTvsForza]

Saw these on a billboard by a flooring shop:

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I'm getting from her now.

I accidentally took my cat's medicine, don't ask meow.

 

[p78]

I accidentally took my cat's medicine, don't ask meow.

Dadjoke vibes are strong with this one.

 

[UKMikey]

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

 

[Sprite]

Spider-Man has a winter jacket made of Mediterranean flatbread.

It’s called a Pita Parka

 

[UKMikey]

 

[UKMikey]