Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,695 comments
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A world famous and incredibly wealthy art dealer gets a phone call from his lawyer...
Good morning ****. I have been instructed by your good lady wife to call you with good news and bad news.
Good morning ****. I will take the good news first!
You wife has bought a series of 6 pictures. She had paid $150,000 for them but she thinks they may be worth around 8 to 10 million!
Wow! I always knew she would be a good one. But wait... What is the bad news?
Ahhh... The 6 pictures are of you ******** your secretary!
Good morning ****. I have been instructed by your good lady wife to call you with good news and bad news.
Good morning ****. I will take the good news first!
You wife has bought a series of 6 pictures. She had paid $150,000 for them but she thinks they may be worth around 8 to 10 million!
Wow! I always knew she would be a good one. But wait... What is the bad news?
Ahhh... The 6 pictures are of you ******** your secretary!
A guy has been dating one of a pair of identical twins. They have been dating for several years and decide to get married.
A month before the wedding, the other twin phones our guy and asks him to "come over to the house, there are a couple of wedding details I want to discuss with you"
Our guy arrives to find the girl dressed in a silk basque and gown. She offers him one last fling and no one will ever find out! She retires upstairs and tosses her knickers down the stairs.
Our guy looks at the stairs then the door, then the stairs again. At this point he runs from the house, straight into the arms of his future father-in-law.
The girl's father grabs our guy and hugs him, welcomes him into the family and states he "So very proud of him for being able to resist the temptation!"
The moral of this story is always always ALWAYS keep your condoms in the glovebox of the car!!!
😎
A month before the wedding, the other twin phones our guy and asks him to "come over to the house, there are a couple of wedding details I want to discuss with you"
Our guy arrives to find the girl dressed in a silk basque and gown. She offers him one last fling and no one will ever find out! She retires upstairs and tosses her knickers down the stairs.
Our guy looks at the stairs then the door, then the stairs again. At this point he runs from the house, straight into the arms of his future father-in-law.
The girl's father grabs our guy and hugs him, welcomes him into the family and states he "So very proud of him for being able to resist the temptation!"
The moral of this story is always always ALWAYS keep your condoms in the glovebox of the car!!!
😎
UKMikey
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- UKMikeyA
A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. One of the doctors asked him how he came to receive such horrific injuries.
"Well, I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, 'It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!'
"...Thinking back I really should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day."
"Well, I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, 'It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!'
"...Thinking back I really should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day."
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My mate is a right wally!
He rang me to tell me had been dating a girl for several months. He really fancied her and was desperate to sleep with her. Apparently, she rang him on Monday last and stated that...
" You and I are going out for a meal tomorrow. A few drinks. Back to my place and you are staying the night! "
He was excited to say the least. He said the meal was great and they were both relaxed as they got to her place. She poured two drinks and they made their way to the bedroom. The girl then tells my mate that she is " Going to freshen up. She will be a couple of minutes ". He the tells me that curiosity got the better of him, he had a quick peek in the wardrobe.
" I was shocked! A nurse's uniform. A Headmistress's uniform. A police uniform. I got dressed and left straight away! "
At this point I was quite confused and asked him why. Most red blooded males I know would have been rubbing their hands in glee!
" She's not the girl for me if she can't hold down a regular job!!! "
He rang me to tell me had been dating a girl for several months. He really fancied her and was desperate to sleep with her. Apparently, she rang him on Monday last and stated that...
" You and I are going out for a meal tomorrow. A few drinks. Back to my place and you are staying the night! "
He was excited to say the least. He said the meal was great and they were both relaxed as they got to her place. She poured two drinks and they made their way to the bedroom. The girl then tells my mate that she is " Going to freshen up. She will be a couple of minutes ". He the tells me that curiosity got the better of him, he had a quick peek in the wardrobe.
" I was shocked! A nurse's uniform. A Headmistress's uniform. A police uniform. I got dressed and left straight away! "
At this point I was quite confused and asked him why. Most red blooded males I know would have been rubbing their hands in glee!
" She's not the girl for me if she can't hold down a regular job!!! "
Ok Serge... Ok....
My wife bought me some erectile dysfunction cream. I am over 60 years old - Time waits for no man and all that.
It really weird stuff though! It only works when her friend applies it for me!!!
Best read or spoken in a broad Yorkshire accent...
2 farmers talking in the local cattle market. The subject of donkeys crops up....
A. I need a Donkey!
B. I have one for sale!
A. How much does tha' want for it?
B. £200!
A. Deal! Here's £200. Drop it off at yard!
One week later, the two meet up again...
A. Oy! I paid you for a Donkey! Where is it?
B. Aye you did. It died!
A B*****. Where is it now?
B. Carcass is still in't yard. I'm waiting for't Knackerman.
A. Sod that - drop it off, I'll raffle it.
B. Ya can't raffle off a dead Donkey!
A. Drop it off!!!
Another week later and the two meet once more...
B. Oy! How did tha get on wit raffle?
A. Grand lad. Right proper grand! Sold almost 500 tickets at £2 a go!
B. J***s H C***st!!! Did anyone complain?
A. Aye they did. The winner. I gave him his £2 back.
My wife bought me some erectile dysfunction cream. I am over 60 years old - Time waits for no man and all that.
It really weird stuff though! It only works when her friend applies it for me!!!
Best read or spoken in a broad Yorkshire accent...
2 farmers talking in the local cattle market. The subject of donkeys crops up....
A. I need a Donkey!
B. I have one for sale!
A. How much does tha' want for it?
B. £200!
A. Deal! Here's £200. Drop it off at yard!
One week later, the two meet up again...
A. Oy! I paid you for a Donkey! Where is it?
B. Aye you did. It died!
A B*****. Where is it now?
B. Carcass is still in't yard. I'm waiting for't Knackerman.
A. Sod that - drop it off, I'll raffle it.
B. Ya can't raffle off a dead Donkey!
A. Drop it off!!!
Another week later and the two meet once more...
B. Oy! How did tha get on wit raffle?
A. Grand lad. Right proper grand! Sold almost 500 tickets at £2 a go!
B. J***s H C***st!!! Did anyone complain?
A. Aye they did. The winner. I gave him his £2 back.
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