ROAD_DOGG33J
Premium
- 14,297
- IL, USA
- holyc0w1
- holyc0w
I like this one, it was posted on gttimes.com; I'm not sure if it's been posted.
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,421 views
- 3,534
- London
lol, funny though!
- 1,980
Haha, that's pretty good 
Evolution.
(Banned)
- 3,722
Law93(this ones a good one to use when you're fooling around with one of your friends) "hey man, its getting kinda quiet.......so is it ok if i TURN ON the radio........and YOUR MOM?!?!?
Your funny has been lost...please contact the authorities.
- 2,760
Hopefully not a reprint.
This bartender is closing up for the night, cleaning the tables and what not, when there's a knock at the back door. He goes to the back, opens the door, and sees a homeless guy standing in the alley.
"Can I get a toothpick?" the homeless guy asks. The bartender, a little confused, hands him a toothpick, closes the back door and gets back to work. A few minutes later, there's a second knock at the back door. the bartender goes to the back, opens the door, and there in the alley is a second homeless guy.
"Hey buddy, got a toothpick?" asks the second homeless guy. The bartender, now a little confused, hands him a toothpick, closes the door, and goes back to work. A few minutes later, a third knock is heard at the back door. The bartender goes to the back, opens the door for a third time, and there in the alley is a third homeless guy.
"Let me guess," the barteder says before the bum can open his mouth. "You want a toothpick, right?"
"No," answers the homeless guy. "Actually, I was wondering if you had a straw?"
The bartender says, "I don't get it. The two bums before you wanted toothpicks, and now you want a straw. What gives?"
The homeless guy answers, "Oh, well, some guy threw up out here in the alley, but all the good stuff's gone."
This bartender is closing up for the night, cleaning the tables and what not, when there's a knock at the back door. He goes to the back, opens the door, and sees a homeless guy standing in the alley.
"Can I get a toothpick?" the homeless guy asks. The bartender, a little confused, hands him a toothpick, closes the back door and gets back to work. A few minutes later, there's a second knock at the back door. the bartender goes to the back, opens the door, and there in the alley is a second homeless guy.
"Hey buddy, got a toothpick?" asks the second homeless guy. The bartender, now a little confused, hands him a toothpick, closes the door, and goes back to work. A few minutes later, a third knock is heard at the back door. The bartender goes to the back, opens the door for a third time, and there in the alley is a third homeless guy.
"Let me guess," the barteder says before the bum can open his mouth. "You want a toothpick, right?"
"No," answers the homeless guy. "Actually, I was wondering if you had a straw?"
The bartender says, "I don't get it. The two bums before you wanted toothpicks, and now you want a straw. What gives?"
The homeless guy answers, "Oh, well, some guy threw up out here in the alley, but all the good stuff's gone."
- 1,980
Lol, that was pretty good Anderton :tup:
:tup:
- 4,312
Q: What do you call an emo kid outside the mall?
A: Anything he'll cry no matter what you do.
A punk and a hippie are walking down the street and the hippie says" so what is punk anyway?"
The punk kicks over a garbage can and says "THATS PUNK!!"
The hippie walks over and kicks another trash can over and says "now am i a punk" and the punk says "no now your a poser!"
Q: How do you get a one-armed punk out of a tree?
A: Throw him a beer.
A: Anything he'll cry no matter what you do.
A punk and a hippie are walking down the street and the hippie says" so what is punk anyway?"
The punk kicks over a garbage can and says "THATS PUNK!!"
The hippie walks over and kicks another trash can over and says "now am i a punk" and the punk says "no now your a poser!"
Q: How do you get a one-armed punk out of a tree?
A: Throw him a beer.
- 2,319
- benzoboy
- BenRB26
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
ÃŁPĨЙΣ
(Banned)
- 285
this thread rocks!! Knock Knock
who's there?
cowsgo
cowsgo who?
no they don't they go mooooo!!
- 3,534
- London
ROFL!!! Thats brilliant IMTDS 👍IMTDS
- 7,956
- BradleyH131
Brace yourself guys. The funny is about to let loose.
**********
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No...just up to my boobies."
**********
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No...just up to my boobies."
Master_Yoda
(Banned)
- 4,010
Casio
I wish I was the farmer 
- 12,298
- Ealing-London
Some Blonde jokes
PERCEPTION
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........
and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says:
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks: "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff: "I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river an d sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts: "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back: "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me". The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:
"You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde" "I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman sped up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said: "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said: "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was:
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked: "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex. Her friend said:
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......,"
answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
PERCEPTION
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........
and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says:
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks: "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff: "I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river an d sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts: "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back: "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me". The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:
"You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde" "I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman sped up alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said: "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said: "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was:
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked: "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other was named Timex. Her friend said:
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......,"
answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
- 2,319
- benzoboy
- BenRB26
A little girl walks downstairs and says "Daddy? How did I get my name?" Her dad says, "Well, when you were born, a nearby rose dropped a petal and it fell on your head, so we named you Rose.
Another little girl comes and says, "Daddy? How did I get my name?" "Well, a nearby violet petal fell on your head when you were born so we named you Violet.
Another little girl comes down and screams,
"WAAAAGHABLAGHABLAGHAAAAAA!!!"
Her dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
---------------------------------------
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"
---------------------------------------
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
---------------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
Guy: "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
Officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
Guy: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
Officer: "Well, then, we need a urine sample."
Guy: "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
Officer: "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
Guy: "I can't do that, officer."
Officer: "Why not?"
Guy: "Because I'm drunk."
Another little girl comes and says, "Daddy? How did I get my name?" "Well, a nearby violet petal fell on your head when you were born so we named you Violet.
Another little girl comes down and screams,
"WAAAAGHABLAGHABLAGHAAAAAA!!!"
Her dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
---------------------------------------
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"
---------------------------------------
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
---------------------------------------
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
Guy: "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
Officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
Guy: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
Officer: "Well, then, we need a urine sample."
Guy: "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
Officer: "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
Guy: "I can't do that, officer."
Officer: "Why not?"
Guy: "Because I'm drunk."
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
Sakiale
(Banned)
- 2,274
There is a drunk guy in a bar. He shouts 'Hey everyone! Wanna hear blonde jokes!?'
The guy next to him says 'erm... I dont think you want to do that, because this bar is full of blondes. Im blonde and Im a champion wrestler, he's blonde and he's a champion wrestler, the three of them are blonde and they are pretty good at fighting, and the barkeeper is blonde and he has a shotgun under his counter. Still wanna tell the joke?'
The drunk guy says 'aw, no, I dont want to have to explain it 6 times'
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead on a burning building. The firemen come with a blanket to catch them and say 'jump!'. The brunette jumps. The firemen move the blanket. The redhead jumps and they move the blanket. The blonde says 'well, I dunno, you'll just move the blanket again'. The firemen say 'no, no, we just dont like brunettes and redheads'. The blonde says 'I have a better idea. How about you put the blanket on the floor and then I jump?'
A blonde asks a gas station attendant if she can borrow a crowbar. 'I locked my keys inside the car, can I please borrow a crowbar?'. The attendant lends her one, then later sees her trying to open the car door, with a blonde inside saying 'a little more to the left'.
The guy next to him says 'erm... I dont think you want to do that, because this bar is full of blondes. Im blonde and Im a champion wrestler, he's blonde and he's a champion wrestler, the three of them are blonde and they are pretty good at fighting, and the barkeeper is blonde and he has a shotgun under his counter. Still wanna tell the joke?'
The drunk guy says 'aw, no, I dont want to have to explain it 6 times'
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead on a burning building. The firemen come with a blanket to catch them and say 'jump!'. The brunette jumps. The firemen move the blanket. The redhead jumps and they move the blanket. The blonde says 'well, I dunno, you'll just move the blanket again'. The firemen say 'no, no, we just dont like brunettes and redheads'. The blonde says 'I have a better idea. How about you put the blanket on the floor and then I jump?'
A blonde asks a gas station attendant if she can borrow a crowbar. 'I locked my keys inside the car, can I please borrow a crowbar?'. The attendant lends her one, then later sees her trying to open the car door, with a blonde inside saying 'a little more to the left'.
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Uhhhh,.... How about,..... nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez,....." said the stranger. "....I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss 'nuclear power' when basically,... you don't know **** about '****'?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Uhhhh,.... How about,..... nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez,....." said the stranger. "....I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss 'nuclear power' when basically,... you don't know **** about '****'?"
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