- 2,706
- Dead_Poetic
- Jamal is Legend
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,431 views
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Glad they are liked....here's another.
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
- 7,956
- BradleyH131
Sorry about this guys....
What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name
What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposes.....
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.
Why did the bee cross his legs?
Because he couldn't find the BP station.
Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.
What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bulldozer.
Why can't skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs!
That's enough for now...I can't bring myself to post any more....
What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name
What does mozart do now that he is dead?
He decomposes.....
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.
Why did the bee cross his legs?
Because he couldn't find the BP station.
Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.
What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bulldozer.
Why can't skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs!
That's enough for now...I can't bring myself to post any more....
- 7,956
- BradleyH131
Why are fish shops always crowded? Because the fish fillet!!!
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.
What's black white black white black white black white black white...
...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.
What's black white black white black white black white black white...
...a penguin rolling down the stairs.
- 3,603
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''
So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.
After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
____
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"I don't know why you are bothering. You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
Two hours passed and the professor told everyone to pass in his/her test. The late student is still furiously scribbling and eventually turns in his paper at the end of class.
The professor says, "Sorry, I can't take your paper."
The student asks, "Why not"
The professor answers, "Because it is late."
The student asks angrily, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor looks at the student and shakes his head.
The student yells, "Do you know who I AM?"
The professor responds, "No."
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and nonchalantly walks off
______
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.
After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
____
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"I don't know why you are bothering. You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
Two hours passed and the professor told everyone to pass in his/her test. The late student is still furiously scribbling and eventually turns in his paper at the end of class.
The professor says, "Sorry, I can't take your paper."
The student asks, "Why not"
The professor answers, "Because it is late."
The student asks angrily, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor looks at the student and shakes his head.
The student yells, "Do you know who I AM?"
The professor responds, "No."
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and nonchalantly walks off
______
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
- 2,343
- Atlanta, GA
- WallRunner51
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at a elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
From,
Chris.
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
From,
Chris.
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Once upon a time, in a little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a Dealership Service Adviser."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a Dealership Service Adviser."
- 3,534
- London
- 6,447
- 1,446
- MustangXS
- MustangXS
Here's a joke from my math teacher at school. It's pretty dumb, but a bit bit funny nevertheless.
So sherlock holmes was working at his desk, drawing some stuff on this paper. And then, Watson comes in and takes a look. He sees a smudge on top left corner of the paper and asks Sherlock Holmes what it is. Sherlock says "It's an apple tree, Watson". Then he sees him draw another smudge in the middle of the paper and asks him again what that is, and Sherlock replies "This is an orange tree". Then he draws another smudge in the right bottom corner of the page. And then watson asks, "What's this over here?". Sherlock replies "A lemon tree my dear Watson".
So sherlock holmes was working at his desk, drawing some stuff on this paper. And then, Watson comes in and takes a look. He sees a smudge on top left corner of the paper and asks Sherlock Holmes what it is. Sherlock says "It's an apple tree, Watson". Then he sees him draw another smudge in the middle of the paper and asks him again what that is, and Sherlock replies "This is an orange tree". Then he draws another smudge in the right bottom corner of the page. And then watson asks, "What's this over here?". Sherlock replies "A lemon tree my dear Watson".
- 3,534
- London
...i dont get it...explain???
- 3,746
I never understood it at first either, but apparently there's a brand of stationery called Lemon Tree.
- 1,446
- MustangXS
- MustangXS
Ok the joke was "A lemon tree my dear Watson", say it slowly, "Elementary my dear Watson". Get it?
Danoff
Premium
- 34,044
- Mile High City
Holy crap I didn't get that. I guess this joke works better told than written.
- 1,102
Not to mention Slackers (2nd joke).
- 1,795
What does the premature ejaculator say?
"This is going to be great, wasn't it?"
"This is going to be great, wasn't it?"
- 825
- United States
- MiNdChArGeR
The other day I was in Halfords. A lady comes in and asked for a seven ten.
We looked at each other and said "whats a seven ten"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What does it do?
She said she didn't know, but its always been there.
The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.
Heres what she drew..
We looked at each other and said "whats a seven ten"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What does it do?
She said she didn't know, but its always been there.
The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.
Heres what she drew..
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