- 3,534
- London
LOL!
Should be 'blonde' instead of 'lady' hehe!
Should be 'blonde' instead of 'lady' hehe!
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,431 views
I remember a joke similar to that...
- 1,654
- dougboyy
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
hope its not a repost
The following story from the United States is disturbing.
New Terror group AL-Gebra
A Northern Territory man was arrested today at John F Kennedy Airport while trying to board a flight home to Australia today.
He was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference. US Attorney General Alberto Conzales said he believed the man was a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He did not identifie the man believed to have been born at Humpty Doo, near Darwin.
The Territorian has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of Math destruction.
"Al-Gebra is a real problem for us", Mr Gonzales said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values"
"They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer themselves as "unknowns".
"But we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country".
As the Greek Philanderer Isosceles used to say"There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked for a comment on the arrest US President George W Bush said,"If God wanted us to have better weapons of Math destruction he would have given us more fingers and toes".
White House Aides told reporters they could not remember a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
The following story from the United States is disturbing.
New Terror group AL-Gebra
A Northern Territory man was arrested today at John F Kennedy Airport while trying to board a flight home to Australia today.
He was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference. US Attorney General Alberto Conzales said he believed the man was a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He did not identifie the man believed to have been born at Humpty Doo, near Darwin.
The Territorian has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of Math destruction.
"Al-Gebra is a real problem for us", Mr Gonzales said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values"
"They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer themselves as "unknowns".
"But we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country".
As the Greek Philanderer Isosceles used to say"There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked for a comment on the arrest US President George W Bush said,"If God wanted us to have better weapons of Math destruction he would have given us more fingers and toes".
White House Aides told reporters they could not remember a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
- 1,795
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It died.
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the squirrel.
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the squirrel.
- 2,611
- DRIFTGOD187
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done!)
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done!)
- 9,209
- DerAlta
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
Bitch...
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
Bitch...
- 2,343
- Atlanta, GA
- WallRunner51
Old but good!
From,
Chris.
From,
Chris.
- 9,209
- DerAlta
I've heard this in a slightly different version nearly 15 years ago.
Synopsis:A young son is sitting in jail accused of murder. Their holding him due to not finding the body. Mom writes a letter telling of her worries, and getting the garden started, as she has noone to till the ground. Son decides to confess to authorities that he hid the body in Moms garden. Police show up and dig up entire garden.
Son writes letter back to mom saying he may be in jail, but he knows how to get the garden tilled for her.
- 36,697
- Scotland
- GTP_daan
I posted the original of that a while ago.
https://www.gtplanet.net/forum/showthread.php?t=47478&highlight=maths+instruction
Cap'n Jack
Premium
- 10,139
- South of the South
- GoldMineGutted
I don't know if this one has been posted, but here we go.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
- 6,447
- 29,372
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my land and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the USA and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this with the "3 Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 3 Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times and so on back & forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will power and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my land and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the USA and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this with the "3 Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 3 Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times and so on back & forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will power and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK." says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve," It looks as if we've just had the same operation."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "S***!! THAT'S the word!"
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK." says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve," It looks as if we've just had the same operation."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "S***!! THAT'S the word!"
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.
- 3,534
- London
LMFAO!!
👍
👍
- 1,795
"I think one of my brothers, Derrick, is Chinese because I heard 1 out of every 3 people are Chinese. It could be Mao Lin, but I think it's Derrick."
- 3,603
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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