Jokes!!

[kranzx]

Red Indian and the Weatherman

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it
going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be
a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Silverzone]

Red Indian and the Weatherman

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it
going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be
a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

👍

 

[opendriver]

One off the colbare report

Headline:"Bush shortens vacation to 10 days"

SC: Bush is like a little dirtdevil cordless vacum, if you dont give him time to recharge, he wont suck.

 

[Mark T]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make lovefor the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first timeand all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Dad was a Pharmacist"

 

[Silverzone]

Old! Old! Old! Still a good one though

 

[GT4_Rule]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make lovefor the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first timeand all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Dad was a Pharmacist"

Old but still good anyways.

 

[El Gigante]

Haha.

 

[Mark T]

LETTER TO GOD

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
Process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply
Addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all
The money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for
Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
No family to turn to and you are my only hope. God; can you please help
Me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up
On the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.
The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and
had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked
Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the
rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing
they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around
while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself
with joy.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
B@stards at the Post Office.

 

[guska]

Again, Old, but a goodie all the same.

 

[GT4_Rule]

Never heard of that. But it's pretty damn good.

 

[Evolution.]

Funneh.

 

[Touring Mars]

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The barman gives her one...


Real-world version here....

 

[Danny]

 

[JoshBMW]

What's red and blue and bubbly all over?

Dead baby in a microwave.

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How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?

A straw.

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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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What's the difference between a bucket of grapes and a bucket of dead babies?

You take your shoes off to squish the grapes.

 

[Kylehnat]

Um...that's disturbing?

 

[Danny]

I know someone who loves jokes like that.

I have a good one, but it's not post-worthy here.

 

[JoshBMW]

Um...that's disturbing?

That's why they're hilarious!

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume.

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How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?

Two, one to prop up the car and another to replace it if it explodes.

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What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?

A baby shot through a snowblower.

 

[opendriver]

Why am I laughing??


Im so going to hell for that....

 

[Slick6]

A man who lost one of his arms in an accident became very depressed because he had loved to play the guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day, he decided to end his life. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked him, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
The man said, "I'm NOT happy ....my ass itches."

 

[Fantaman]

Good one slick


Super PC
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

 

[skip0110]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round.

 

[GT4_Rule]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round.

I like this one!

 

[Alex.]

Why am I laughing??


Im so going to hell for that....

why am i laughing at that?


coz it's funny what you said!

 

[opendriver]

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?






























None, they sit in the dark any cry

 

[MagpieRacer]

2 fish were swimming around for a bit and eventually one hit a wall.

Fish: dam!

 

[Slick Rick]

oldie but a goodie:

Guy goes into a petshop & says "I'd like to buy a wasp please."

Shop assistant: "We don't sell Wasps!"

Guy: "But you've got one in the window!"

 

[Evolution.]

I don't believe I get it. There is a wasp in the pet shop? Woo.

 

[Danny]

There was one in the window.

Classic joke, I remember that one.

 

[somebody]

I remember the good old days... when haircuts were $5.00... the family car was tuned in the backyard on a Sunday... you could leave you front door unlocked while you ran down to the corner shop... and jokes were actually funny.

 

[skip0110]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."