Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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Sorry if this is a repost but i cant remember reading it.

Two nuns are re-painting their room & have been told that, if they get any paint on their dresses, they would be punished. So in order to not get punished, they strip completely of their dresses and get to work.

30 minutes later, they had finished their job when a knock came from the door. The nuns scurried to the door asking; "Who is it?" A man replied "Blind man." As the nuns believed this man to be blind they decided not to cover themselves and opened the door for him, when the man replied; "Nice boobs, where do you want the blinds?"

If it sucks, dont blame me, i heard it on the radio.
 
Slick Rick
Q: What happened to the frog that broke down?

A: It got toad away!

If it sucks dont blame me, its from a penguin bar Im eating atm :P
Click to expand...

I read this joke at school to my friends and it somehow became extremely funny. i still giggle a little when i think about it, great joke.
 
I went down town and into a wine shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket I said to him,
"Come on, man, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Ticket Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn out tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and stuck it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Finally he finished and
with a final glare walked off. I count the tickets stuck too the windshield, nine total. Wow! Thats a @#$%&-load.

Personally, I didn't care. My car was parked on the other side of the lot. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Michael Schumacher Fan Club"
 
I went to the store to buy some candle holders but they were sold out.

So i got a cake.
 
Ferrari F2007
I went down town and into a wine shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket I said to him,
"Come on, man, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Ticket Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn out tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and stuck it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Finally he finished and
with a final glare walked off. I count the tickets stuck too the windshield, nine total. Wow! Thats a @#$%&-load.

Personally, I didn't care. My car was parked on the other side of the lot. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Michael Schumacher Fan Club"
Click to expand...

👎

Rameses Niblick III Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble
I went to the store to buy some candle holders but they were sold out.

So i got a cake.
Click to expand...

👍

Dunc went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they were sold out. So he got a cake. Komedi!
 
Guy walks into a bar with a case. The bartender asks "What is in the case?" the guy opens it There is a 12" tall man playing the piano. This man is very good, and the music is about the best you ever heard. The bartender says "That's very neat." and asks "Where did you find him?. The guy say's "I found this old magic lamp. I rubbed it and this is what I got." The bartender say's "That's cool I wished I found one of those lamps."

The guy say's "Would you like to try it? I have it right here."
The Bartender "Sure", he rubs the lamp and says "I wish I had a million buck's".

All of a sudden the bar is filled with a million ducks everywhere. The bartender say's "I think that lamp messed up my wish." The guy says "The genie is a little hard hearing." "You don't think I really wanted a 12 inch pianist do you?".
 
Bubble Bunny
Guy walks into a bar with a case. The bartender asks "What is in the case?" the guy opens it There is a 12" tall man playing the piano. This man is very good, and the music is about the best you ever heard. The bartender says "That's very neat." and asks "Where did you find him?. The guy say's "I found this old magic lamp. I rubbed it and this is what I got." The bartender say's "That's cool I wished I found one of those lamps."

The guy say's "Would you like to try it? I have it right here."
The Bartender "Sure", he rubs the lamp and says "I wish I had a million buck's".

All of a sudden the bar is filled with a million ducks everywhere. The bartender say's "I think that lamp messed up my wish." The guy says "The genie is a little hard hearing." "You don't think I really wanted a 12 inch pianist do you?".
Click to expand...

HEH HEH HEH!
 
A panda sauntered into the saloon, sat down at the bar and told the bartender "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had seen many strange characters out west, and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he replied, "Sure, stranger," and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold one in front of the bear. The panda chomped on the sandwich and gulped down the beer. He then deftly pulled his six-shooter, aimed at a whiskey bottle behind the counter, and pulled the trigger. The bottle exploded into glass pieces and shattered onto the floor. The bartender was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his holster and walk out the front door. "Hey, what the hell is going on?" shouted the bartender as he ran after the bear. The panda stopped and said, "what did you want?? "Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot up the bar. Besides, you still owe me for lunch." "I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear and went on his way. The bartender was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged dictionary from the shelf, and found the entry for "panda." "Damn!" he muttered. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself: pan-da -- n. A large bear-like member of the Raccoon family native to the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
 
*World's shortest fairy tale*

Once upon a time, a man proposed to a beautiful woman:

"Would you marry me?"

She answered: "No!"

And the man lived happily ever after, he went fishing, played football, met a lot of other girls, went to many places, he was always in a good humour and smiling, he was never short on money, he would drink beer with his friends every time he felt like it and there was no one to boss him around.

The woman became fat, ugly, her boobs went flat and she died alone.

THE END
 
FatAssBR
*World's shortest fairy tale*

Once upon a time, a man proposed to a beautiful woman:

"Would you marry me?"

She answered: "No!"

And the man lived happily ever after, he went fishing, played football, met a lot of other girls, went to many places, he was always in a good humour and smiling, he was never short on money, he would drink beer with his friends every time he felt like it and there was no one to boss him around.

The woman became fat, ugly, her boobs went flat and she died alone.

THE END
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
:lol:, the sad part is is that is most likely true. wait, thats not sad, good for him , lol.

i have a joke:

I still use windows millenium
propeller.gif
 
Stupid answer from a pub quiz I went to last night (which my team won! 👍 )

Q: What team did "Roy of the Rovers" play for?

A: Melchester United

(Correct answer: Melchester Rovers)
 
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I
can't figure out how to get it started."

Boyfriend asks:

"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Blonde says:

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

Then he takes her hand and says:

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and

then........" he sighed,










(scroll down)




























"........let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
 

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