- 9
- JordanKnight
LMAO love it... 
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,449 views
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Mark T: 👍
________________________________________
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
________________________________________
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
- 810
MODERN DAY BIRDS AND BEES
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk9SOrtsEDA
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk9SOrtsEDA
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
- 3,704
Why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan
Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan
- 2,760
A hahaha, opendriver19a actually screwed up the delivery of a joke he TYPED, which in itself is indeed quite funny!
- 2,614
- Metroider17
Yes I know I got these elsewhere...but they are hilarious I think!!
What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!
What do you get when you cross a cheetah & a hamburger?
Fast Food!
What do you get when you cross a hula dancer with a boxer?
A Hawaiian Punch!
What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mosquito?
A very itchy neck!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow?
Roost beef!
What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller?
Flatman & Ribbon!
What do you get when you cross a clown with a goat?
A Silly Billy!
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!
What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road?
A traffic jam!
What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby?
A creepy crawler!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino!
What do you get when you cross a bat and a bell?
A dingbat!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk & quackers!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo & a sheep?
A wooly jumper!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a skin doctor?
A Pacadermatologist!
What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot?
A purple carrot!
What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a dog?
Something that drinks out of any toilet it wants to!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A farm animal that can milk itself!
What do you get when you cross a bank with a skunk?
Dollars and scents!
What do you get when you cross oatmeal & ducks?
Quacker oatmeal!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo ?
Potholes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross a parrot & a centipede?
A walkie-talkie!
What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg?
A very hairy omelette!
What do you get when you cross a Karate expert with a pig?
Pork chops!
BUT THESE TWOI MADE UP!!!
What do dyslexic bass players drive?
Ssab's!!
What did the dyslexic dog say when he ate at red lobster?
Krab!
What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!
What do you get when you cross a cheetah & a hamburger?
Fast Food!
What do you get when you cross a hula dancer with a boxer?
A Hawaiian Punch!
What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a mosquito?
A very itchy neck!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow?
Roost beef!
What do you get when you cross Batman & Robin with a steamroller?
Flatman & Ribbon!
What do you get when you cross a clown with a goat?
A Silly Billy!
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!
What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road?
A traffic jam!
What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby?
A creepy crawler!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino!
What do you get when you cross a bat and a bell?
A dingbat!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk & quackers!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo & a sheep?
A wooly jumper!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a skin doctor?
A Pacadermatologist!
What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot?
A purple carrot!
What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a dog?
Something that drinks out of any toilet it wants to!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A farm animal that can milk itself!
What do you get when you cross a bank with a skunk?
Dollars and scents!
What do you get when you cross oatmeal & ducks?
Quacker oatmeal!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo ?
Potholes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross a parrot & a centipede?
A walkie-talkie!
What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg?
A very hairy omelette!
What do you get when you cross a Karate expert with a pig?
Pork chops!
BUT THESE TWOI MADE UP!!!
What do dyslexic bass players drive?
Ssab's!!
What did the dyslexic dog say when he ate at red lobster?
Krab!
- 1,410
- Canberra
- Unwired-Eddie
Some old, some I hadn't heard before...
1. Two blondes walk into a building..you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel .
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
1. Two blondes walk into a building..you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel .
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
- 3,534
- London
hahaha! their golden!
- 4,394
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
The phone rings at the Smith's home.
-Hello?
-Hi, is this John Smith's wife?
-Yes.
-Mrs. Smith, I'm calling from the St. John Hospital. Last week your husband did some tests here in the hospital. His tests results came out today, but unfortunately there was another John Smith here on the same day doing some tests. Now we don't know which result is your husband's, and I'm afraid neither of the two are good news.
-Oh my God, what's the results?
-Well, one of them accused AIDS, the other one Alzheimer's disease.
-Oh my, what should I do then?
-We'll have to run some tests on him again. But in the meantime, if your husband finds his way home, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!
-Hello?
-Hi, is this John Smith's wife?
-Yes.
-Mrs. Smith, I'm calling from the St. John Hospital. Last week your husband did some tests here in the hospital. His tests results came out today, but unfortunately there was another John Smith here on the same day doing some tests. Now we don't know which result is your husband's, and I'm afraid neither of the two are good news.
-Oh my God, what's the results?
-Well, one of them accused AIDS, the other one Alzheimer's disease.
-Oh my, what should I do then?
-We'll have to run some tests on him again. But in the meantime, if your husband finds his way home, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!
- 29,372
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euro," the man says. "Ten euro?!? This dog is amazing!! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?". The man says "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap..."
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euro," the man says. "Ten euro?!? This dog is amazing!! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?". The man says "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap..."
- 5,178
- Worcester, MA
- skip0110
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
----------------------------------------------------------
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
----------------------------------------------------------
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
- 1,478
Heard this one on tv the other day:
This ship of pirates is out to sea when suddenly the man in the crows nest sees a ship on the horizon. He yells "Captain, theres a ship on the horizon approaching!". The captain then yells "Get me my red shirt!" The first mate gets the shirt for the captain. They go into battle with the other boat and just slaughter them. After battle they are celebrating and one of the men asks the captain about the red shirt. The captain tells him that it would cover up the blood if he were to get shot so the men could concentrate more on battling. The next day, the man in the crows nest spots something. He yells to the captain "I see 20 enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain immediately responds with "Get me my brown pants!"
This ship of pirates is out to sea when suddenly the man in the crows nest sees a ship on the horizon. He yells "Captain, theres a ship on the horizon approaching!". The captain then yells "Get me my red shirt!" The first mate gets the shirt for the captain. They go into battle with the other boat and just slaughter them. After battle they are celebrating and one of the men asks the captain about the red shirt. The captain tells him that it would cover up the blood if he were to get shot so the men could concentrate more on battling. The next day, the man in the crows nest spots something. He yells to the captain "I see 20 enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain immediately responds with "Get me my brown pants!"
at the Polish joke.
- 33,155
- Hammerhead Garage
This one's kinda long and may be a repeat, but it's a good one:
One night a man is putting his daughter to bed when she says "Goonight mom, goodnight dad, goodnight Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." When he asks her what she just said and why, his daughter says "It just felt right". Thinking nothing of it, he turns the light out and leaves.
The next day, Grandpa dies.
Understandably, the man is a little worried, but he writes it off to coincidence when nothing else happens until a few months later when he puts his daughter to bed and she says "Goodnight mom, goodnight dad and good-bye Grandma."
The next day, Grandma dies.
By now, he's worked up and he spends the next few days worrying over it. After all, if his daughter is correct, he's next. Each night he puts her to bed, fearing her predictions, and a few months after Grandma's death the inevitable comes: "Goodnight mom and good-bye dad".
The next day, he gets up very early and drives very slowly to work. He locks himself inside his office and refuses to come out until well after midnight. He finally slouches home to find his worried wife waiting for him.
"Where have you been?" she asks as soon as she sees him.
"I'll tell you tomorrow," he says. "I've just had the worst day of my life!"
"You can talk ... the milkman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"
One night a man is putting his daughter to bed when she says "Goonight mom, goodnight dad, goodnight Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." When he asks her what she just said and why, his daughter says "It just felt right". Thinking nothing of it, he turns the light out and leaves.
The next day, Grandpa dies.
Understandably, the man is a little worried, but he writes it off to coincidence when nothing else happens until a few months later when he puts his daughter to bed and she says "Goodnight mom, goodnight dad and good-bye Grandma."
The next day, Grandma dies.
By now, he's worked up and he spends the next few days worrying over it. After all, if his daughter is correct, he's next. Each night he puts her to bed, fearing her predictions, and a few months after Grandma's death the inevitable comes: "Goodnight mom and good-bye dad".
The next day, he gets up very early and drives very slowly to work. He locks himself inside his office and refuses to come out until well after midnight. He finally slouches home to find his worried wife waiting for him.
"Where have you been?" she asks as soon as she sees him.
"I'll tell you tomorrow," he says. "I've just had the worst day of my life!"
"You can talk ... the milkman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"
- 12,486
- CCS
- GTP_Diego
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ..
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ..
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