Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,589 views
- 30,021
- Cuddington, Cheshire
- JDA1982
Every day at work Sally would go to the Coffe machine to get her drink before her shift started. And every morning Frank would stand behind her, inhale a big breath of air and say "your hair smells nice". After a while Sally went to her boss (Dougie) and filed a sexual harrasment complaint, to which Dougie replied "surely you don't see anything wrong with that".
"I wouldn't" replied Sally, "but Franks a dwarf".
Mary was a young girl who lived with here mother in a quiet town and had a boyfriend called Dan. One day Mary said to her mum "my hands are freezing", "put them between your thighs, that'll warm them up" her mum replied. So Mary put her hands between her thighs and they warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was sat with her boyfriend Dan, and he said "bloody hell, my hands are freezing, I think they're going to drop off". "Put them between my thighs, that'll warm them up" said Mary. So Dan put his hands between her thighs and they were warm in no time.
The next day Mary was sat with Dan again and Dan said "bloody hell my nose is freezing, I think it's going to drop off". "Put it between my thighs, that'll warm it up" said Mary. So Dan put his nose between her thighs and it warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was with Dan again and Dan said "bloody hell my penis is freezing, I think it's going to drop off". "Put it between my thighs, that'll warm it up" said Mary. So Dan put his penis betwee her thighs and it warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was with her mum and he said "you know a mans penis", "what about it" replied her mother. "they make a bloody mess when they defrost".
"I wouldn't" replied Sally, "but Franks a dwarf".
Mary was a young girl who lived with here mother in a quiet town and had a boyfriend called Dan. One day Mary said to her mum "my hands are freezing", "put them between your thighs, that'll warm them up" her mum replied. So Mary put her hands between her thighs and they warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was sat with her boyfriend Dan, and he said "bloody hell, my hands are freezing, I think they're going to drop off". "Put them between my thighs, that'll warm them up" said Mary. So Dan put his hands between her thighs and they were warm in no time.
The next day Mary was sat with Dan again and Dan said "bloody hell my nose is freezing, I think it's going to drop off". "Put it between my thighs, that'll warm it up" said Mary. So Dan put his nose between her thighs and it warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was with Dan again and Dan said "bloody hell my penis is freezing, I think it's going to drop off". "Put it between my thighs, that'll warm it up" said Mary. So Dan put his penis betwee her thighs and it warmed up in no time.
The next day Mary was with her mum and he said "you know a mans penis", "what about it" replied her mother. "they make a bloody mess when they defrost".
👍
- 13,818
- Alabama
I figured someone would give me flack about that. If it's alright to tell jokes about any other hair color, race, or religion, why can't I tell a joke about a black person? Hopefully someone will get their head out of their politically correct ass and see the humor. I'll remove it when a mod asks me.
- 5,076
- GTPLoon
- D1 Loon
I don't mind that you told a joke about a black person, because as you said, every tells jokes about everyone else. The only thing that I myself didn't like was the N-bomb you dropped, even though you blocked out ONE letter, its still there.
Leave it if you want, I'll just pay it no attention.
Leave it if you want, I'll just pay it no attention.
- 13,818
- Alabama
That's the idea of the joke. The entire joke would be ruined if the punch line was "Nah Negro, you're a bat!" or "Nah African American, you're a bat!" It's the same thing as calling a Mexican a beaner, or a blonde an idiot, or a Muslim a terrorist. Let's just drop this because it's only going to cause a long drawn out argument, and a mod is gonna come in here anyway and tell us NOOBZ to STFU anyway. If you find the joke funny, good. If not, sorry.
- 8,480
- P_Balance
/all blonds
- 5,622
- eMadman
That's a wild as hell accusation. Read the joke again and put it in context.
- 2,396
The whole Don Imus thing and Jesse Jackson with Al Sharpton is getting annoying....
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens - that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right! And can you tell us why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Reverend Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens - that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right! And can you tell us why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
Slick6
Premium
- 3,085
- United States
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know
five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know
five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
OZZYGT
Premium
- 3,716
- NYC
- OZZYGT
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were
eying a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to
them.
She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words
LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "
The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese."
The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "
The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the
guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"
eying a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to
them.
She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words
LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "
The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese."
The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "
The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the
guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"
- 1,478
I just got this email and I thought it was kinda funny/
A man was driving down the road and ran out of
> gas.
> Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
> The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
> "I'm out of gas."
> The bee told the man to wait right there and flew
> away.
> Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm
> of bees flew to his
> car and into his gas tank.
> After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
> "Try it now," said one bee.
> The man turned the ignition key and the car
> started right up.
> "Wow!" the man exclaimed.
> "What did you put in my gas tank"?
>
> The bee answered, "BP."
A man was driving down the road and ran out of
> gas.
> Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
> The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
> "I'm out of gas."
> The bee told the man to wait right there and flew
> away.
> Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm
> of bees flew to his
> car and into his gas tank.
> After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
> "Try it now," said one bee.
> The man turned the ignition key and the car
> started right up.
> "Wow!" the man exclaimed.
> "What did you put in my gas tank"?
>
> The bee answered, "BP."
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
A man is heading home when he remembers it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her anything yet. He enters a toys' store and asks the salesgirl:
How much does a Barbie doll costs?
She says - Which one? We have:
Barbie goes to the gym for $19,95;
Barbie plays volley for $19,95;
Barbie goes shopping for $19,95;
Barbie goes to the beach for $19,95;
Barbie goes to the club for $19,95;
Barbie divorced lawyer for $265,95.
Suprised, the man asks:
Why does Barbie divorced lawyer costs $265,95 when all the other Barbies are $19,95?
She says - Sir, because Barbie divorced lawyer comes with:
Bob's car;
Bob's house;
Bob's boat;
Bob's trailer;
Bob's cellphone...
How much does a Barbie doll costs?
She says - Which one? We have:
Barbie goes to the gym for $19,95;
Barbie plays volley for $19,95;
Barbie goes shopping for $19,95;
Barbie goes to the beach for $19,95;
Barbie goes to the club for $19,95;
Barbie divorced lawyer for $265,95.
Suprised, the man asks:
Why does Barbie divorced lawyer costs $265,95 when all the other Barbies are $19,95?
She says - Sir, because Barbie divorced lawyer comes with:
Bob's car;
Bob's house;
Bob's boat;
Bob's trailer;
Bob's cellphone...
- 2,706
- Dead_Poetic
- Jamal is Legend
Shouldn't it be Ken's car, house, boat, etc.?
- 38,957
- Application hell
- MP-Omnis
No, Bob is the cheated-on cuckold that we never hear about.
- 29,380
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Eddie, a typical English 40-something male, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." Amazed, he notes "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. " But, where did you get the tools?", he asks.
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After 20 minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut milk."
"It's not coconut milk," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, something that will make you feel alive again."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.......
"...Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well!"
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." Amazed, he notes "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. " But, where did you get the tools?", he asks.
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After 20 minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut milk."
"It's not coconut milk," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, something that will make you feel alive again."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.......
"...Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well!"
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