Jokes!!

[MagpieRacer]

A young man called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long, and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister, and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic, and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods Ladies Department, and they selected a pair of dainty, fur-lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves, and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,
I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones, and says that they are much easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, and I chose them because the lady I bought them from, showed me a similar pair, which she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could be there to put them on for you, the very first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine, how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[nosturbo]

Dude thats killer, lol. I could see her face now...

 

[Thiele]

"My wife ran off with my best friend and i miss him"

 

[Casio]

Time for more terrible jokes.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet

 

[Slick Rick]

Ashley that was gooood!!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.


The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"


The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

OMG! cant stop Laughing! ....seriously....too much wine makes me merry

 

[McLaren]

at the mall joke.

A man went to a doctor like all men do. He comes in, and says, "Doctor, I got a really embarrassing problem. I seem to let off silent farts, oh there goes one. I can't seem to control it, oh, there's 2 in a row. They smell awful, oh, there's another one. Doctor, what should I do?"


Doctor says, "Well first off, you're going deaf."

 

[somebody]

And the three wise men did follow the star and it led them unto a stable. And the first wise man did enter the stable and present his gift of gold unto the baby. And the second wise man did enter the stable and present his gift of frankensence unto the baby. And the third wise man did hit his head as he entered the stable and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!". And Joseph did turn to Mary and say, "Write that down quick - it's better than Derrick!"

 

[Thiele]

[COLOUR=RED]BAR RULES:[/COLOUR]

RULE 1: The barman is always right.

RULE 2: If the barman is wrong, refer rule 1.

 

[Pebb]

This is my little joke, which I did in form of a topic on another forum:

http://www.centre-circle.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=407&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

That topic involved me pretending to be my Dad, and making those people think something else.

 

[SRV2LOW4ME]

Umm...thats more sad then funny...

 

[G.T]

However Hampshire is close to London

I find that quite amusuing.

May have been funny to your friends, but I also find it... odd.

 

[daan]

This is my little joke, which I did in form of a topic on another forum:

http://www.centre-circle.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=407&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

That topic involved me pretending to be my Dad, and making those people think something else.

Looks like you need psychiatric help as well as the English lessons which you still desperately need....

 

[Gen.]

Well uhh. That was certainly believable.

 

[Small_Fryz]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors; green, red, orange and blue.


The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"


The old man did not bat an eye and replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

One of the best jokes in this thread!! 👍

 

[Slicks]

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

 

[McLaren]

This is my little joke, which I did in form of a topic on another forum:

http://www.centre-circle.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=407&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

That topic involved me pretending to be my Dad, and making those people think something else.

Who the hell's dad says refers to his son's full name on the internet? And his wife?

Those guys must be dull in the skull not to notice.

 

[ceiling_fan]

Here's one of my favorite jokes (hope it's not a repost, I might have even posted it once)




Where do you find a dog with no legs?


Right where you left him.

 

[Der Alta]

Some people are like Slinkies. Not real use, but fun to push down the stairs.

 

[MP]

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

I've heard this before, still makes me laugh everytime I hear it though! 👍

 

[GT4_Rule]

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

.....?

 

[LewyMan]

This one isn't too bad
Sorry if it's already been posted here.

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and
the teacher asked all the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of
industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes
if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man,
rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work
and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was
really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I
was just too embarrassed to say."


No offence to English cricket either, just for joke purposes 👍

 

[Slick Rick]

Haha! Nah we dont mind

 

[Barracuda]

lol, that was wicked funny.

Im american so i dont really get it the whole england part though. is england bad in cricket or something?

actually the real question is what is cricket? I know its a sport but i just dont get it. no need to explain it to me though.

you could actually replace that with either a yankee player in boston or vice versa.

 

[LewyMan]

No, England aren't too bad at cricket on average, just the fact that we flogged them 5-0 in the Ashes, beat them at the Twenty20 match, and have already won the first ODI kind of conjures up the thought that Australia are considerably better than England at the moment.

 

[Roo]

Nice one, LewyMan

Im american so i dont really get it the whole england part though. is england bad in cricket or something?

actually the real question is what is cricket? I know its a sport but i just dont get it. no need to explain it to me though.

Bill Bryson on cricket (from "In A Sunburned Country", by Bill Bryson, first edition, hardcover, pages 105 - 108):

"After years of patient study (and with cricket there can be no other kind) I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game that the introduction of golf carts wouldn't fix in a hurry. It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect. I don't wish to denigrate a sport that is enjoyed by millions, some of them awake and facing the right way, but it is an odd game. It is the only sport that incorporates meal breaks. It is the only sport that shares its name with an insect. It is the only sport in which spectators burn as many calories as players -- more if they are moderately restless. It is the only competitive activity of any type, other than perhaps baking, in which you can dress in white from head to toe and be as clean at the end of the day as you were at the beginning.

Imagine a form of baseball in which the pitcher, after each delivery, collects the ball from the catcher and walks slowly with it to center field; and that there, after a minute's pause to collect himself, he turns and runs full tilt toward the pitcher's mound before hurling the ball at the ankles of a man who stands before him wearing a riding hat, heavy gloves of the sort used to to handle radio-active isotopes, and a mattress strapped to each leg. Imagine moreover that if this batsman fails to hit the ball in a way that heartens him sufficiently to try to waddle forty feet with mattress's strapped to his legs, he is under no formal compunction to run; he may stand there all day, and, as a rule, does. If by some miracle he is coaxed into making a misstroke that leads to his being put out, all the fielders throw up their arms in triumph and have a hug. Then tea is called and every one retires happily to a distant pavilion to fortify for the next siege. Now imagine all this going on for so long that by the time the match concludes autumn has crept in and all your library books are overdue. There you have cricket.

The mystery of cricket is not that Australians play it well, but that they play it at all. It has always seemed to me a game much too restrained for the rough-and-tumble Australian temperament. Australians much prefer games in which brawny men in scanty clothing bloody each other's noses. I am quite certain that if the rest of the world vanished over night and the development of cricket was left in Australian hands, within a generation the players would be wearing shorts and using the bats to hit each other. And the thing is, it would be a much better game for it."

Pinched from here.

 

[Barracuda]

it doesn't make any sense at all to me. . is there seriously a break in the middle of the game for tea.

thats another thing, does everyone in england really have tea time. we should have something like that in america hmmm.... burger time

is cricket a popular sport in other countries say compared to baseball in america or is it more like golf, just old people and golfers watching.

 

[Roo]

is there seriously a break in the middle of the game for tea.

Yes, seriously From the Wikipedia article on cricket:

Typically, two innings matches are played over three to five days with at least six hours of cricket being played each day. One innings matches are usually played over one day for six hours or more. There are formal intervals on each day for lunch and tea, and shorter breaks for drinks, where necessary. There is also a short interval between innings.

thats another thing, does everyone in england really have tea time.

I don't know of anyone who does, but we do have tea breaks during the working day

we should have something like that in america hmmm.... burger time

I thought all the time was burger time in America?

is cricket a popular sport in other countries say compared to baseball in america or is it more like golf, just old people and golfers watching.

Personally, I think it's more like golf.

 

[LewyMan]

Firstly, I would like to say that 'Bill Bryson's' explanation of cricket is rather amusing, and definately belongs in this thread
(also, I could contradict many points in that article haha)

Secondly, in Australia and England, I would regard cricket as a national sport. So many people watch it, so many people play it (just take a look at how many cricket teams and clubs there are), and the people that watch it differ greatly.

Sure, it's not everyone's cup of tea (excuse the English pun), but it is a really good game, especially the Twenty20! 👍

Edit: Woops, sorry for off-topic-ness, just had to point that out though.

 

[Roo]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female parrots that only seem to be able to say one thing - they say 'Hi, we're hookers, want to have some fun?'"

"That’s obscene!" said the priest, then thought for a moment. "You know, I may have the solution to your problem, I have 2 male speaking parrots that I have taught to read the Bible and pray. Bring your 2 parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the same cage as Peter and Francis. My parrots can teach yours to read and pray and we can stop yours saying........... that phrase.''

The lady brings her parrots over the next day. As he ushered her in the lady sees his 2 male parrots with rosary beads, praying, and she puts her 2 parrots into the cage with them.

After a few minutes the female parrots say in unison, 'Hi, we're hookers. Want to have some fun!?''

There was a stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looks at the other male parrots and says:

''Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered.''

 

[daan]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that .....Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees

Ees



Ees


Ees



Eees a Ham Bush.