Jokes!!

[Small_Fryz]

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.''

3. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

4. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

5. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

6. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

[ghskilla]

So an older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A man is stranded on a dessert island...

...and it was delicious.

 

[W3H5]

What goes black, white, black white all the way down a hill?

A nun...

What goes black, white, ha ha, black, white ha ha down the same hill?

The nun that pushed here.

 

[Spagetti69]

What's blank and white with a splash of red and can't turn round in corridors?

A nun with a javelin through her head.


Poor I know.

 

[alexlam24]

Roses are red
Grass is green
I want you in my bed
If you know what I mean :-)

 

[gamerdog6482]

Two snowmen are standing outside a bakery.
First snowman: "Do you smell carrots?"

 

[D3ATHS1NBUNCH3S]

=p

 

[Solo]

This is one from my psychology lesson earlier today:

Teacher: A study has shown that mice can develop OCD...
Student: That explains why they are always rubbing their paws together!

 

[D3ATHS1NBUNCH3S]

A mother buys his son an electric train for Christmas. He is playing with it one day in the living room, with his mother in the kitchen next to him.

As he is playing with it, he suddenly exclaims, "Now you (blanks) better get your (blanks) of this train now, because this is the last (blanking) stop! You hear me (blanks)? GET OFF!

The mother, furious, says, "We DO NOT use language like that in this house young man! Get up and go to your room, and I better not see you for two hours! Do you understand me?"

The boy says yes, and goes to his room.

TWO HOURS LATER

The boy comes down and starts playing with his train again. He says this time, "Attention passengers, this will be the final stop for the day. Please exit in a fashionable order out the front. Thanks, and have a great day!"

The mother is impressed. That is, until he hears the boy say: "And for the two hour delay, you can thank the (blank) in the kitchen".

 

[carfanatic45]

Not sure if this has been posted before but....

I like Pie
Without it I will cry
And If I cry I will die
When I die bye-bye Pie

"The Pie Song", written by A. Genius

 

[Dooblewasur]

Q: What are on and are the opposites of a joke?


A:

Roses are red
Grass is green
I want you in my bed
If you know what I mean :-)

Not sure if this has been posted before but....

I like Pie
Without it I will cry
And If I cry I will die
When I die bye-bye Pie

"The Pie Song", written by A. Genius

 

[ghskilla]

A woman's star sign was cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died.

She got attacked by a giant crab.

 

[Doog]

Q: What are on and are the opposites of a joke?


A:

This. I learned that my jokes didn't fly around here and stopped posting them. But still, this thread is dying on its feet.

 

[Roo]

Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.

But on a much bigger scale.

 

[Schwartz]

This. I learned that my jokes didn't fly around here and stopped posting them. But still, this thread is dying on its feet.

Was this a feeble attempt at a pun?

 

[homeforsummer]

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my thumb through.

One formal complaint from her, and now I'm banned from the gym.

 

[W3H5]

I’m convinced Mario is a hobo.

He wakes up everyday in the same clothes, runs around in sewers, and collects coins for a living. At the end of the day, he uses the coins to buy mushrooms.

 

[Doog]

Was this a feeble attempt at a pun?

Nope.

 

[Submerged]

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my thumb through.

One formal complaint from her, and now I'm banned from the gym.

I was a bit confused till I worked it out...

 

[W3H5]

The first time I heard that from my dad I took a few seconds to wonder why he would get banned from the gym for poking the hole in his.........oh .......there it was.

 

[axletramp]

Apparently the Atheists are a non-prophet organisation.

 

[Jet Badger]

The dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

 

[The Bman]

Squirrels think that chipmunks are nuts.

Too childish, eh? I have a few more jokes but they aren't appropriate for a 13+ forum.

 

[alexlam24]

Todays game of heads down, thumbs up begins with the sound of my zipper

 

[gamerdog6482]

What do you call it when a shape runs away?


Polygone.

 

[Cowboys965]

Todays game of heads down, thumbs up begins with the sound of my zipper

Enough...

 

[alexlam24]

Enough...

You don't watch mock the week?

 

[ghskilla]

Todays game of heads down, thumbs up begins with the sound of my zipper

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

[Small_Fryz]

ghskilla to the rescue!!!

 

[Dooblewasur]

ghskilla to the rescue!!!

Dhis.