Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
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gamerdog6482
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What did the turtle say to the other turtle?
"How's the wife?"
"How's the wife?"
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- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
7.
Is that funnier than alexlam?
I'm undecided.
Is that funnier than alexlam?
I'm undecided.
- 3,549
- Taipei
- GTP_ghskilla
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
---
A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business."
The engineer looks at the huge amount of cash and agrees. He sets up a mic in the booth then heads back into the console. The guy goes into the booth, closes the door and starts to speak:
"Since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a musician. I trained with the best in the business, practiced every day, and made myself to be the best I could possibly be. I learned to write songs and record, played every instrument on my demo tapes and created masterpieces. And then I brought them to you people at the record companies. And you rejected me. I tried again and again, refining and bettering my work, but the response was always the same - that people didn't want musicianship, talent and songs written from the heart. They wanted easy to swallow crap that was familiar and easy to listen to. They wanted the same old thing, instead of something original!"
"Well, I'm fed up! I've worked my whole life and have never been successful! You've ruined my dream, crushed my hopes and destroyed me! I have nothing left to live for, and I hope you're all happy!"
With that he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots himself dead, right in the vocal booth.
Just then the engineer comes on the talkback mic and says, "Okay, I got the levels all set. Let's try a take."
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
---
A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business."
The engineer looks at the huge amount of cash and agrees. He sets up a mic in the booth then heads back into the console. The guy goes into the booth, closes the door and starts to speak:
"Since I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a musician. I trained with the best in the business, practiced every day, and made myself to be the best I could possibly be. I learned to write songs and record, played every instrument on my demo tapes and created masterpieces. And then I brought them to you people at the record companies. And you rejected me. I tried again and again, refining and bettering my work, but the response was always the same - that people didn't want musicianship, talent and songs written from the heart. They wanted easy to swallow crap that was familiar and easy to listen to. They wanted the same old thing, instead of something original!"
"Well, I'm fed up! I've worked my whole life and have never been successful! You've ruined my dream, crushed my hopes and destroyed me! I have nothing left to live for, and I hope you're all happy!"
With that he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots himself dead, right in the vocal booth.
Just then the engineer comes on the talkback mic and says, "Okay, I got the levels all set. Let's try a take."
- 10,403
- GTP_Spag69
- spagetti69
Welshman on his driving test. The instructor asks if he could make a U-turn?
Welshman " Make a ewe turn!! I'll make its ****ing eyes water"
Welshman " Make a ewe turn!! I'll make its ****ing eyes water"
gamerdog6482
(Banned)
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- Gamerdog6482
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
"Where is my tractor?"
"Where is my tractor?"
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- l Flossy l
Spagetti69
Hahahaha LOVE IT!! I actually looked for the Fb 'like' button on that one hahahaha
Wiegert
Premium
- 13,393
- United Kingdom
As someone who's part Welsh, I lol'd.
Where's your coat?
I was at a job interview the other day and the guy said to me, "I'm going to ask you three questions and I want you to give me three quick fire answers."
So he said, "First question, how old are you?"
I said "Quick fire."
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- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
What did the American and the Iraqi have in common?
Well obviously, they both liked cantaloupe.
Well obviously, they both liked cantaloupe.
- 1,452
- The Speedway
- D3ATHS1NBUNCH3S
Anti jokes....love em =P
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
- 911
- Calipornia
- GTP_Toymdngn / toymdngn
Tell me, does this rag smell like chloroform?
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- Cowboys965
toymdngn
Why yes it-..........
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- CHALLENGER1ON1
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
My mac is so old...I run Minecraft for Linux!
My PC is so old...it's 2 years old!
My PC is so old...it's 2 years old!
gamerdog6482
(Banned)
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And we can see the wild Jokes Thread, grazing on the grass of funny, unable to notice the crop duster on its way to spray the anti-joke gas onto the grass and taint the funny.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
---
A pastor goes hiking. He then comes around a corner on the trail, and he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
---
A pastor goes hiking. He then comes around a corner on the trail, and he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
- 1,377
- zzxxz
We may have a birmingham fan or 2 in here so here goes:
Breaking news . A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at St Andrews. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
For a wider audience:
Lance Armstrong was stripped of his Tour de France wins after allegedly taking 3 substances banned by the French. That must be toothpaste, deodorant and soap..
Breaking news . A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at St Andrews. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
For a wider audience:
Lance Armstrong was stripped of his Tour de France wins after allegedly taking 3 substances banned by the French. That must be toothpaste, deodorant and soap..
gamerdog6482
(Banned)
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- Venom, USA
- Gamerdog6482
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
__________
What did the donut say to the munchkin?
"You complete me."
__________
What did Link say to Obi-Wan?
"May the triforce be with you."
__________
Everything is easier said than done, except for talking, which is pretty much the same.
__________
Cake: "What's up?"
Muffin: "Muffin' much."
__________
What did the modern youth cat say?
YOL9.
__________
What was the final words of the composer's will?
I'll be Bach.
__________
What did the donut say to the munchkin?
"You complete me."
__________
What did Link say to Obi-Wan?
"May the triforce be with you."
__________
Everything is easier said than done, except for talking, which is pretty much the same.
__________
Cake: "What's up?"
Muffin: "Muffin' much."
__________
What did the modern youth cat say?
YOL9.
__________
What was the final words of the composer's will?
I'll be Bach.
- 354
- United Kingdom
There's this wealthy 70 year old man with a bad heart married to an 18 year old woman. Now, he's very jealous and doesn't trust her one bit, knowing full well she married him for his money. He's the CEO of his business and he rings her 20 times a day from his 30th floor office. One day, she doesn't answer, so he rings again and again, no answer. So he runs down 30 flights of stairs cus the lifts out, heart pounding. Burns it home in his Lambo to find the lift out there too, sods law. He climbs 20 flights of stairs to the penthouse, heart seriously in overdrive now. He goes to the bedroom, nothing, the living room, nothing. He finds his wife in the kitchen doing up her blouse, looks out the window next to the fire escape and way down where, he sees a bloke tucking his shirt in his pants and doing up his flies. He picks up the fridge and chucks it out the window which lands on the guy killing him dead. The old guy in all the excitement has a heart attack and dies. They both meet up in the waiting room in heaven where an angel comes into the room with a clipboard.....
"Is there a Mr Brown here?" The shirt pants guy puts his hand up and the angel asks him how he died.... "I was running late for work and a damn fridge landed on me!"
"Is there a Mr White here?" The old guy embarrassed puts his hand up and the angel asks him the same question... "Err... I ....ermm... Was running around.... And .....errr.... I picked up something heavy....and had a heart attack."
"Is there a Mr Smith here?"......
"Yeah, I was minding my own business sitting in a Fridge......"
"Is there a Mr Brown here?" The shirt pants guy puts his hand up and the angel asks him how he died.... "I was running late for work and a damn fridge landed on me!"
"Is there a Mr White here?" The old guy embarrassed puts his hand up and the angel asks him the same question... "Err... I ....ermm... Was running around.... And .....errr.... I picked up something heavy....and had a heart attack."
"Is there a Mr Smith here?"......
"Yeah, I was minding my own business sitting in a Fridge......"
Last edited:
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Why did the chicken tell the knock-knock joke?
One to hold the lightbulb and 4 to rotate the ladder feet.
One to hold the lightbulb and 4 to rotate the ladder feet.
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- Dooblewasur
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Courtesy of my mate Gregg...
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?". The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?". The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."
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