Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
- 725,249 views
- 3,549
- Taipei
- GTP_ghskilla
Mitt Romney and the King of Saudi-Arabia are having a dinner party...
...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics. So the King says to Mitt: "I really like parts of American culture, especially American television. My favourite show in the world is 'Star Trek'. But I only have one question about it. On the ship there are Asians, Caucasians, Africans, Latin- and Native Americans and all sorts of other people from around the world and the universe, but there are no Arabs on the ship. Why is that?" Mitt shruggs his shoulders and replies: "Well it is set in the future..."
---
Halloween joke.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him, he hears Bump... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping-clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics. So the King says to Mitt: "I really like parts of American culture, especially American television. My favourite show in the world is 'Star Trek'. But I only have one question about it. On the ship there are Asians, Caucasians, Africans, Latin- and Native Americans and all sorts of other people from around the world and the universe, but there are no Arabs on the ship. Why is that?" Mitt shruggs his shoulders and replies: "Well it is set in the future..."
---
Halloween joke.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him, he hears Bump... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping-clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
What did the V.P. say to the V.P. candidate?
"A bunch of stuff!"
"A bunch of stuff!"
gamerdog6482
(Banned)
- 6,233
- Venom, USA
- Gamerdog6482
Two man walk in to a bar. They begin to argue.
"All right, we'll settle this with a contest."
"Okay. We each punch each other in the face, and whoever punches hardest wins."
"Seems fair. Punch me in the face!
-BAM-
"All right, now I'll punch you!"
"No, you won."
"All right, we'll settle this with a contest."
"Okay. We each punch each other in the face, and whoever punches hardest wins."
"Seems fair. Punch me in the face!
-BAM-
"All right, now I'll punch you!"
"No, you won."
alexlam24
(Banned)
- 1,136
- Pa/ America
- alexlam24
So yesterday I was with my friend and he was pulled over for drink driving
Cop: license and registration
Friend: incense and registratIon?
cop: no, license and registration
Friend: no incense?
Cop: ok let's go to the station
Friend: WHAT YOU WANNA GO! COME AT ME
Cop: I'm calling for back up
Friend: YEAH YOU BETTER BACK UP
cop: get in the car
Friend: LOSER!!!!!
cop: -_-
Cop: license and registration
Friend: incense and registratIon?
cop: no, license and registration
Friend: no incense?
Cop: ok let's go to the station
Friend: WHAT YOU WANNA GO! COME AT ME
Cop: I'm calling for back up
Friend: YEAH YOU BETTER BACK UP
cop: get in the car
Friend: LOSER!!!!!
cop: -_-
- 3,549
- Taipei
- GTP_ghskilla
...
A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will rust quickly." The man accepts this and buys the motorbike.
He picks his girlfriend up that night on his new bike and they head to her parents' house. As they approach, his girlfriend says to him "Listen, my parents are a bit weird. This might sound funny, but we have a rule that there's no speaking at the dinner table. If you speak, you have to wash the dishes."
He's a bit surprised, but replies that this is no problem, and he'd be glad to do the dishes. She adds "The only problem is, no-one has spoken at the dinner table for about 5 years. There is a MASSIVE pile of dishes in the kitchen." The man is even more taken aback, but says 'that's fine, I'll just keep my mouth shut".
They pull up outside the house and head inside, sit down and start eating. Minutes pass, and the man starts to grow annoyed at this silly household custom. He wonders how to annoy his girlfriend's parents, and eventually leans across and starts kissing his girlfriend.
She's a bit surprised, but responds, and her parents look annoyed but can't say anything. Encouraged by this, he pulls his girlfriend onto the dinner table and has his way with her. Eventually they finish, he puts her back into her seat, and looks at her parents. They're looking mighty angry but they don't say a single word.
He thinks 'well, the mother's not bad looking...', pulls her onto the dinner table, and has his way with her too. She doesn't complain, the daughter is in a state of blissful exhaustion, the father looks extremely angry, but he is allowed to finish and puts her back into her seat.
Just then it starts to rain. As he hears the drops, he remembers about his motorbike, stands up and takes a tube of vaseline out of his pocket. The father immediately stands up and yells 'Okay, okay, I'll do the :censored:ing dishes, just don't touch me!'
A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will rust quickly." The man accepts this and buys the motorbike.
He picks his girlfriend up that night on his new bike and they head to her parents' house. As they approach, his girlfriend says to him "Listen, my parents are a bit weird. This might sound funny, but we have a rule that there's no speaking at the dinner table. If you speak, you have to wash the dishes."
He's a bit surprised, but replies that this is no problem, and he'd be glad to do the dishes. She adds "The only problem is, no-one has spoken at the dinner table for about 5 years. There is a MASSIVE pile of dishes in the kitchen." The man is even more taken aback, but says 'that's fine, I'll just keep my mouth shut".
They pull up outside the house and head inside, sit down and start eating. Minutes pass, and the man starts to grow annoyed at this silly household custom. He wonders how to annoy his girlfriend's parents, and eventually leans across and starts kissing his girlfriend.
She's a bit surprised, but responds, and her parents look annoyed but can't say anything. Encouraged by this, he pulls his girlfriend onto the dinner table and has his way with her. Eventually they finish, he puts her back into her seat, and looks at her parents. They're looking mighty angry but they don't say a single word.
He thinks 'well, the mother's not bad looking...', pulls her onto the dinner table, and has his way with her too. She doesn't complain, the daughter is in a state of blissful exhaustion, the father looks extremely angry, but he is allowed to finish and puts her back into her seat.
Just then it starts to rain. As he hears the drops, he remembers about his motorbike, stands up and takes a tube of vaseline out of his pocket. The father immediately stands up and yells 'Okay, okay, I'll do the :censored:ing dishes, just don't touch me!'
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call someone who can speak 1 language?
American...
Trilingual.
What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call someone who can speak 1 language?
American...
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
- 354
- United Kingdom
DooblewasurNot people in comas.
Not ,people,
Ohh... Comas!
See what I did there? I'll get my coat :/
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
Hey, have you heard the one about the punchline?
No... Do go on.
Sorry, I must eat this rice crispie cake
No... Do go on.
Sorry, I must eat this rice crispie cake
- 30,024
- Thailand
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!"
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!"
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
A elderly aged man is driving around in his new ZR1 Corvette, He was doing a little over the speed limit. Up from behind him comes a State Trooper with the lights flashing. The man in the 'Vette panics. He guns it down and a pursuit follows. The chase goes on for about 10 - 15 minutes until the man is finally stopped. When the Trooper approaches the 'Vette, he says to the man - "Care to explain to me what that was all about" (trooper pauses) "If you can give me a valid explanation for that, I'll let you go with just a warning".
The man replies - " Well Sir, it was about 20 years ago that my ex wife ran off with a State Trooper. The reason I was running from you was that I thought that you may be bringing her back".
The Trooper turned to him and said - "have a nice day sir".
The man replies - " Well Sir, it was about 20 years ago that my ex wife ran off with a State Trooper. The reason I was running from you was that I thought that you may be bringing her back".
The Trooper turned to him and said - "have a nice day sir".
- 7,551
- London
- MattyTheDog
Teacher: Miranda, give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'
Miranda: I is-
Teacher: No! We always start sentences with "I am", remember?
Miranda: Ok, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Miranda: I is-
Teacher: No! We always start sentences with "I am", remember?
Miranda: Ok, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
- 30,024
- Thailand
Little Johnny: "Miss, I really need to take a slash! Can I got to the bog?"
Teacher: "What king of language is that? Please use the proper term 'urinate' is you wish to be excused."
Johnny thinks for a bit, and then...
Little Johnny: "Miss, miss, you're an eight out of ten but if you lost a few pounds you might be a nine."
Teacher: "What king of language is that? Please use the proper term 'urinate' is you wish to be excused."
Johnny thinks for a bit, and then...
Little Johnny: "Miss, miss, you're an eight out of ten but if you lost a few pounds you might be a nine."
- 354
- United Kingdom
There's this guy shipwrecked on a tiny island with nothing but two palm trees. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months. Then one day he notices a box wash up on the beach and in it is a saw. Another bigger box was floating just a little off shore, with the water being shark infested, he couldn't just swim and get it. No, I'm gonna have to chop down a palm tree he says to himself, it's certainly cargo from the ship, could be useful. He proceeds to saw away in the hot sun and drops the palm tree at the right angle towards the box, the perfect length. He walks carefully out to the end of the tree being mindful of the sharks circling the island, picks up the box and brings it back. He hacks away at the sealed box with the now blunt saw and eventually manages to open it....and in it he finds....a hammock. :/
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