Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
- 725,242 views
- 29,366
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
- 6,092
- Phoenix, AZ
A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight.
The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, the boy says,"Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" so she comes down and leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says,"Hello, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and they leave together. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,"Hello my name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him!
The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, the boy says,"Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" so she comes down and leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says,"Hello, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and they leave together. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,"Hello my name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him!
- 1,452
- The Speedway
- D3ATHS1NBUNCH3S
I don't get it.
- 1,825
- Icehawk_9
Chuck rhymes with another word that also sounds like duck.
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
But starts with F
- 2,583
- Kelowna, Canada
- Antonisbob
- No...
Schwartz
Premium
- 4,315
- Bellingham, WA
- Schwartz38
668 - The neighbor of the Beast.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, so I told him I wanted a second opinion. He then said "Okay, you're ugly too."
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, so I told him I wanted a second opinion. He then said "Okay, you're ugly too."
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.
Last edited:
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
How many days does it take to pierce a pineapple?
The answer will be revealed next Sunday
The answer will be revealed next Sunday
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
Correct!
Now, once I was feeding a parrot when suddenly it announced
"Look out! It's Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel!" So I turned around only to see Tony Blair in a Humongous Mecha, so I replied
"That's not Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel, that's Tony Bl..."
But before I could finish Blair blasted the parrot into little pieces, and this made me feel very unhappy, so I pulled out £7 and demanded that Blair buy me a new parrot, but he only told me that my parrot was resting. Seeing the incoming Monty Python sketch I gave up and asked Tony what he was doing. He told me that he had heard Silvio Berlusconi was having a bunga bunga party, and that he assumed that that had something to do with Humoungous Mech suits. Finding such naivety amusing, I informed Tony that such parties had nothing to do with Humoungous Mecha's, but that he should probably go there with it just to distract everyone.
So off Mr Blair went, only to be stopped by Nicolas Sarkozy, who threw a huge lump of concrete at the mecha, knocking it to the floor. Tony got out, and asked Nicolas what he was doing. Sarkozy claimed it was a chunk of the Berlin Wall, however Blair figured otherwise, immediately noticing that it was the bit of his garage floor that had gone missing a fortnight ago.
So Tony Blair called the police, and Nicolas Sarkozy was once again arrested for stealing chunks of garage floors, which leads me onto my next issue.
Blue Cheese.
Blue Cheese is a product often produced in France, much like French presidents, and as with many French things it can be substituted for by something similar made in another country, but Blue Cheese is however a food product so the French should do it better than others, right?
Wrong, Stilton is British, and yet it is superior to everything. STILTON IS MY GOD!
If you refuse to worship Stilton, then obviously you are secretly the pet of a high ranking government official who is about to start demanding an arrest warrant against one 'Roger the Horse' for filling this thread with complete and utter nonsense that nobody finds funny, although the "funniness" of jokes is subjective and some people may actually find this 'Roger the Horse' characters joke's hilarious, probably due to underexposure to actual comedy, in which case they should probably see a doctor.
Now, once I was feeding a parrot when suddenly it announced
"Look out! It's Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel!" So I turned around only to see Tony Blair in a Humongous Mecha, so I replied
"That's not Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel, that's Tony Bl..."
But before I could finish Blair blasted the parrot into little pieces, and this made me feel very unhappy, so I pulled out £7 and demanded that Blair buy me a new parrot, but he only told me that my parrot was resting. Seeing the incoming Monty Python sketch I gave up and asked Tony what he was doing. He told me that he had heard Silvio Berlusconi was having a bunga bunga party, and that he assumed that that had something to do with Humoungous Mech suits. Finding such naivety amusing, I informed Tony that such parties had nothing to do with Humoungous Mecha's, but that he should probably go there with it just to distract everyone.
So off Mr Blair went, only to be stopped by Nicolas Sarkozy, who threw a huge lump of concrete at the mecha, knocking it to the floor. Tony got out, and asked Nicolas what he was doing. Sarkozy claimed it was a chunk of the Berlin Wall, however Blair figured otherwise, immediately noticing that it was the bit of his garage floor that had gone missing a fortnight ago.
So Tony Blair called the police, and Nicolas Sarkozy was once again arrested for stealing chunks of garage floors, which leads me onto my next issue.
Blue Cheese.
Blue Cheese is a product often produced in France, much like French presidents, and as with many French things it can be substituted for by something similar made in another country, but Blue Cheese is however a food product so the French should do it better than others, right?
Wrong, Stilton is British, and yet it is superior to everything. STILTON IS MY GOD!
If you refuse to worship Stilton, then obviously you are secretly the pet of a high ranking government official who is about to start demanding an arrest warrant against one 'Roger the Horse' for filling this thread with complete and utter nonsense that nobody finds funny, although the "funniness" of jokes is subjective and some people may actually find this 'Roger the Horse' characters joke's hilarious, probably due to underexposure to actual comedy, in which case they should probably see a doctor.
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
- 5,897
- Pittsburgh, PA
- The_Bman24
- 6,092
- Phoenix, AZ
http://[domain blocked due to malware]/instances/400x/27611460.jpg
- 30,024
- Thailand
Agreed.
_______________________
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The womans husband also comes home.
She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, Dark in here.
The man says, Yes, it is. Boy I have a baseball.
Man Thats nice.
Boy Want to buy it?
Man No, thanks.
Boy My dads outside.
Man OK, how much?
Boy $250″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy Dark in here.
Man Yes, it is.
Boy I have a baseball glove.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?
Boy $750″
Man Sold.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, I cant, I sold my baseball and my glove.
The father asks, How much did you sell them for?
Boy -$1,000″ The father says, Thats terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. Im going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, Dark in here.
The priest says, Dont start that **** again, youre in my closet now.
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
I don't get it. I'm sure it's obvious though.
- 12,513
- Ireland
- The__Luke
A man was looking to buy a race-horse, and there was a priest who had a horse he was looking to sell. So, as the man came by the priests house, he met the priest. The priest told the man of how the horse was a little different to other horses, to start running and speed up, you had to say "Oh my god" and to stop you had to say "Amen".
So the man took the horse out to see if he had ability, he got on, started running "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" and he went about a mile or two.
Soon he wanted to stop, but had forgotten how to do so. Panicked, he had remembered how to stop the horse, and he frantically yells "Amen! Amen!"
He got the horse stopped, he looked over the top of the horse. 4 inches from the edge of a cliff.... "Oh my god"
___________________________________
There was a big class test the next day, and the Teacher was telling the students that they must be in at all costs. If they were feeling bad, make that effort, only miss the day if you cannot physically come to school.
One child asked back "what about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As the laughs died down, the teacher replied "well I'm sure you can try use your left hand"
So the man took the horse out to see if he had ability, he got on, started running "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" and he went about a mile or two.
Soon he wanted to stop, but had forgotten how to do so. Panicked, he had remembered how to stop the horse, and he frantically yells "Amen! Amen!"
He got the horse stopped, he looked over the top of the horse. 4 inches from the edge of a cliff.... "Oh my god"
___________________________________
There was a big class test the next day, and the Teacher was telling the students that they must be in at all costs. If they were feeling bad, make that effort, only miss the day if you cannot physically come to school.
One child asked back "what about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
As the laughs died down, the teacher replied "well I'm sure you can try use your left hand"
- 3,549
- Taipei
- GTP_ghskilla
A man walks into a bar and asks: "Bartender, may I have a Less?" To which the bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, what did you want?" "I would like to have a Less please." The bartender then apologizes: "I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?" The man answers: "Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."
---
Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your 🤬 out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"
Helium does not react.
---
Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your 🤬 out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"
Helium does not react.
Similar threads
