Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
- 725,189 views
- 325
- UK
- Ask Me :)
- Don't ask me :(
There were two cats one called 123 who was english and the other called Un Deux Trois who was French ,they were racing each other on rafts across a swimming pool. Which cat won ? .......
123 because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
( Get it ??? )
123 because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
( Get it ??? )
- 1,336
- Lisboa
- tronrider345
Clever. 
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
Explain?
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
- 15,898
- wrexham
- jameskent86451
- Jamobomb86
So the paper printed 20 of the funniest tweets of 2012 yesterday..heres a few..
I havent seen a cowboy film in a while, its all quiet on the western front..
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
Suffer from a phobia of numbers? Call the Number Phobia Helpline on 847382040403209537264940302746809880829800888674729. Ask for Ethel.
Due to an autocorrect cock-up, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture
I havent seen a cowboy film in a while, its all quiet on the western front..
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
Suffer from a phobia of numbers? Call the Number Phobia Helpline on 847382040403209537264940302746809880829800888674729. Ask for Ethel.
Due to an autocorrect cock-up, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture
livemusic
Premium
- 10,239
- Blumenau, SC
- livemusic81
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
So a man buys clothes for his significant female parter as a gift...
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
livemusic
I feel stupid, maybe ignorant, but I still don't get it. But don't bother explaining it more, I'll just ruin it.
- 15,994
- United Kingdom
- haitch40
- Xbox?
Quatre cinq is said cat(re) and sank.
Last edited:
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
Just heard this one: What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
You're pointless.
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
Why did Kim Jong Un cancel the Kimjonglympics?
All the contestants were shot because he didn't win.
What do you call a brown plant that is eaten often?
A potato.
What is the difference between Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan?
...
...
You don't know either, huh.
All the contestants were shot because he didn't win.
What do you call a brown plant that is eaten often?
A potato.
What is the difference between Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan?
...
...
You don't know either, huh.
- 5,897
- Canada
People are making end-of-the-world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
That might need to be edited, a bit....
- 35,420
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just had the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just had the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
- 7,551
- London
- MattyTheDog
Brilliant! What's the best cheese for hiding a horse?
Mascarpone.
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Oh he is in trouble
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
@ TB and porthillking ... excellent 👍
After the wedding and the reception, a newly married couple arrive home. Before anything else, the husband says to his new wife ---
"I have some rules of marriage that have to be laid down"
To which the wife replies : "sure, lets talk about them"
The husband replies : "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
The wife replies : "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
After the wedding and the reception, a newly married couple arrive home. Before anything else, the husband says to his new wife ---
"I have some rules of marriage that have to be laid down"
To which the wife replies : "sure, lets talk about them"
The husband replies : "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
The wife replies : "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
- 354
- United Kingdom
I bought the wife a vacum cleaner for christmas this year. She said she loves it, but I'm not too sure she likes it really. It's been collecting dust ever since I gave it to her.
Last edited:
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
Haha, our 6th grade health teacher told us that. It's pretty true, too!
Similar threads
