Jokes!!

[Dooblewasur]

^ I don't get those last two.

Strawberries are red and naughty people sit in corners...and...erm...

 

[sparkytooth]

Note to self,stop orchestrating these puns.C'mon guys please note that I engineered this joke.

I make bad jokes anyway .Sorry

 

[Jump_Ace]

Lance Armstrong is so dope.


Jerome

 

[The Stig Farmer]

Lance Armstrong is so dope.

Jerome

Boom!

 

[ADzstat]

Couldn't find any burgers in Tesco erlier today , but i did try sum of their meatballs.
They're the dogs nuts

 

[heingericke]

My vegetarian wife was having a laugh when the news broke, so I bought her some Tesco horseradish. That shut her up.

 

[Roger the Horse]

What do you get if you cross a burger and Jeremy Clarkson?

 

[heingericke]

What do you get if you cross a burger and Jeremy Clarkson?

Dude, I can't believe you're waiting for a "I don't know, what do you get if you...."

Drop the punchline already.

 

[W3H5]

A bad joke?

I thought there was a warning given about posting bad jokes?

 

[ADzstat]

My vegetarian wife was having a laugh when the news broke, so I bought her some Tesco horseradish. That shut her up.

Hahahaha that made me giggle

 

[GazMac]

I'm just Shocked at how this thread was started in 2004, almost 10 years ago! and it's still alive and kicking!

 

[MoLiEG]

Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? The blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?" The man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, "I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"



More here:

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/index/jokelist/id/24

 

[sparkytooth]

?????^^^^ don't get it.

 

[Dooblewasur]

?????^^^^ don't get it.

^^Good one.

 

[Nicksfix]

A man walks into a discount pharmacy and asks the clerk - "can I get 3 packets of condoms"

The clerk replies - "do you need a paper bag"

The mans replies back - "nah, she is pretty good looking, no need for one"

 

[MoLiEG]

A man walks into a discount pharmacy and asks the clerk - "can I get 3 packets of condoms"

The clerk replies - "do you need a paper bag"

The mans replies back - "nah, she is pretty good looking, no need for one"

Lol old but gold 👍

 

[che69velle]

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:"Crap!"It took him two weeks to air out the church.

 

[ADzstat]

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:"Crap!"It took him two weeks to air out the church.

Hahahahaha nice one lol

 

[Patrick]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she said with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[Nicksfix]

The wife asks her husband - "am I the only woman you have slept with"
The husband replies - "why, yes sweetheart"
The wife smiles and walks away very happily.
The husband mutters under his breath - "your the only one I've slept with, the other women I have been with have been able to keep me awake."

 

[playnthru]

A baby seal walks into a club!

 

[TB]

At dawn, the telephone rings ...

"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new titanium head golf club with the graphite shaft."

SILENCE ..LONG SILENCE ...

VERY LONG SILENCE ...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep 🤬."

 

[W3H5]

That's great!

I can't be the only one who read the caretaker parts in a Spanish voice, can I?

 

[Eks]

Take the F out of way.

 

[Lock2Lock]

That's great!

I can't be the only one who read the caretaker parts in a Spanish voice, can I?

Probably.. i read everything in Morgan Freeman's voice anyway hahaha

 

[Ross]

That is definitely a mans joke and @shem, you are not alone, if you read it with the accent it just becomes funnier.

 

[ADzstat]

@ TB

That made me giggle

 

[Dooblewasur]

REDAClTlED

 

[TB]

Stop while you're ahead.

 

[cphbullet]

That's great!

I can't be the only one who read the caretaker parts in a Spanish voice, can I?

I did as well although for me the joke was made by the fact that there was someone named ernesto in it