Jokes!!

[Dooblewasur]

Stop while you're ahead.

👍

 

[Small_Fryz]

Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of your STICK,
we'd be riding the bus..! so shut the 🤬 up !!

 

[The Stig Farmer]

Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of your STICK,
we'd be riding the bus..! so shut the 🤬 up !!

👍 Great one.

 

[Crash]

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

 

[Nicksfix]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell,"Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day, however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled ...........

"See what you get for five bucks!"

 

[Solo]

Not wanting to be outdone by Findus & Tesco, I hear McDonalds are launching a new Quarter Panda.

 

[Roger the Horse]

What's long and funny?

Something other than this joke.

 

[Carbonox]

I would tell you a vacuum cleaner joke, but it sucks.

 

[The Bman]

I would tell you a vacuum cleaner joke, but it sucks.

I would tell you a fan joke, but it blows.

 

[Small_Fryz]

I would tell you a toilet joke.. but its crap.

 

[Slash]

I would tell you a garbage joke, but it's trash.

 

[Roger the Horse]

I'd tell you a joke with a pun in it, but I don't like puns.

 

[TheBook]

I'd tell you a joke with a pun in it, but I don't like puns.

C-c-c-combo breaker?

 

[mattythedog]

I'd tell you a joke about a pencil, but it has no point.

 

[djinline]

I'd tell you a really fast joke, but you wouldn't get it.

 

[Ross]

I'd tell you a joke about McDonalds but I'm too lazy to chip in.

 

[Callum B]

I'd tell you a joke about a banana but it's not very apeeling...

 

[Roger the Horse]

I'd tell you a joke about Burgers but my throat is hoarse







Unless they're puns Americans wont get.

 

[m8h3r]

You kinda get the feeling that the next Specsavers advert will feature cows, horses and a slaughterhouse.

 

[TB]

I'd tell you a joke amount a 2.2 Camry but I don't know how to.

 

[Roger the Horse]

What do you get if you cross a 2.2 Camry and a Space Shuttle?

Spoiler

A space shuttle that can out accelerate the normal Space Shuttle from the lights

 

[TB]

Except that 2.2 Camry and Space Shuttle DNA just won't splice.

Children!

 

[MSTER232]

I recently caught the flu which is a virus. How could I have prevented that?

Spoiler

I should have used Mcoughee (McAfee)

 

[Liquid]

I'd tell you a joke about Stilton, but it's a bit cheesy.

 

[Roger the Horse]

I'd tell you a joke about mice, but they're all dead

 

[Beeblebrox237]

I'd tell you a joke about amnesia, but I forgot it.

 

[Slash]

I'd tell you a joke about butter, but you'd spread it.

 

[MSTER232]

I'd tell you a joke about jam, but it would sticky this thread in one place.

 

[Slash]

I'd tell you a joke about kidnapping, but you'd get carried away.

 

[funkyDucks]

I'd tell you a joke about a maze, but I'd lose you in it.