Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
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- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
Often
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
I only just realised the other meaning of that!
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! "
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! "
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan! "
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive! "
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fas t! Made in Japan! "
-————-—-------—-------—------------
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, "Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in. "So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man. He says, "I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed, in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummeting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide. "Wow," said St. Peter, "that's a pretty fantastic story. "So St. Peter calls in the second guy. He said, "One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me! "Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, "Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator... "
-------------------—------—------------------
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? "
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect. "
Support: "What sort of trouble? "
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ",
Support: "Went away? "
Customer:"They disappeared. "
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? "
Customer: "Nothing. "
Support: "Nothing? "
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. "
Support: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out? "
Customer: "How do I tell? "
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen? "
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt? "
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? "
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. "
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator? "
Customer: "What's a monitor? "
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? "
Customer: "I don't know. "
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? "
Customer:.. "Yes, I think so. "
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. "
Customer:.. "Yes, it is. "
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? "
Customer: "No. "
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. "
Customer:.. "Okay, here it is. "
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. "
Customer: "I can't reach. "
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? "
Customer: "No. "
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? "
Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark. "
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then. "
Customer:"I can't. "
Support: "No? Why not? "
Customer: "Because there's a power outage. "
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? "
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. "
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. "
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad? "
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is. "
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? "
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. "
----------------------------—------------------
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do? "
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do? "
The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour. "
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! "
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! "
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan! "
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive! "
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fas t! Made in Japan! "
-————-—-------—-------—------------
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, "Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in. "So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man. He says, "I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed, in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummeting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide. "Wow," said St. Peter, "that's a pretty fantastic story. "So St. Peter calls in the second guy. He said, "One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me! "Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, "Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator... "
-------------------—------—------------------
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? "
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect. "
Support: "What sort of trouble? "
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ",
Support: "Went away? "
Customer:"They disappeared. "
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? "
Customer: "Nothing. "
Support: "Nothing? "
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. "
Support: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out? "
Customer: "How do I tell? "
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen? "
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt? "
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? "
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. "
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator? "
Customer: "What's a monitor? "
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? "
Customer: "I don't know. "
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? "
Customer:.. "Yes, I think so. "
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. "
Customer:.. "Yes, it is. "
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? "
Customer: "No. "
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. "
Customer:.. "Okay, here it is. "
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. "
Customer: "I can't reach. "
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? "
Customer: "No. "
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? "
Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark. "
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then. "
Customer:"I can't. "
Support: "No? Why not? "
Customer: "Because there's a power outage. "
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? "
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. "
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. "
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad? "
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is. "
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? "
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. "
----------------------------—------------------
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do? "
The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved.
What would you do? "
The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour. "
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- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
Actual dialogue I once got from a call centre:
Me: Hello, who is it?
Call centre worker: Good day, is this Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I'm afraid Mrs Smith* died quite some time ago.
Call centre worker: Are you a relative of Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I am the current occupant of the property Mrs Smith* used to live in.
Call centre worker: Well, can I speak to a relative of Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.
Call centre worker: But this isn't the wrong number. It says this number on all of my documents.
Me: Well I'm afraid that your documents need updating. This is the wrong number. Sorry.
Call centre worker: But it isn't the wrong number. Obviously you are just the wrong person...
[silence]
Call centre worker: Can I talk to you about Mrs Smith*?
[I hang up the phone]
*Name changed to protect the identity of the family of the old woman who used to be resident in my abode.
Me: Hello, who is it?
Call centre worker: Good day, is this Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I'm afraid Mrs Smith* died quite some time ago.
Call centre worker: Are you a relative of Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I am the current occupant of the property Mrs Smith* used to live in.
Call centre worker: Well, can I speak to a relative of Mrs Smith*?
Me: No, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.
Call centre worker: But this isn't the wrong number. It says this number on all of my documents.
Me: Well I'm afraid that your documents need updating. This is the wrong number. Sorry.
Call centre worker: But it isn't the wrong number. Obviously you are just the wrong person...
[silence]
Call centre worker: Can I talk to you about Mrs Smith*?
[I hang up the phone]
*Name changed to protect the identity of the family of the old woman who used to be resident in my abode.
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- 6,694
- Dallas, TX
It's a horrible thing now to point your finger at somebody because your hand gesture looks like a gun. Obama should be in trouble because he does it in all his speeches.
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
My wife seems to think I've "serious mental issues."
Stupid woman sounds just like the toaster.
Stupid woman sounds just like the toaster.
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.” The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
- 7,703
- Indy
- xXKingJoshXx
^
- 734
- Manchester
- stiggygonzalez
What does a drug addict say when he's had a shower at rehab?
I'm clean!
I'm clean!
- 2,037
- Colorado
I occasionally sell things on Amazon, like refurbished guitars, used books etc. Well, here's two emails, sent 8 hours apart from each other, from the same person who thinks I'm an automated machine who doesn't sleep and controls the post office with my mind..... Enjoy!
"i have moved into new apartment and i have not got my stuff at my old apartment either neither at the post office can i get my credit back or some thing cause my stuff isn't their this is my new address 1200 .......... apartment 2023, tx 76039"
"Hi. I send you e-mail on sunday bit u did not respond (because I was sleeping). I want my money fore my book cause u said u could not give post office my correct address after I clearly sent u an e-mail on sunday teling u that i mistyped my address into teh order and u never responded. today is now monday and u responded almost 24 hours late i want my money back!!! if this is how u do business than u should be ashamed. it is not that hard to respond to an e-mail same day and it is not hard to call teh post office and give them my correct address."
"i have moved into new apartment and i have not got my stuff at my old apartment either neither at the post office can i get my credit back or some thing cause my stuff isn't their this is my new address 1200 .......... apartment 2023, tx 76039"
"Hi. I send you e-mail on sunday bit u did not respond (because I was sleeping). I want my money fore my book cause u said u could not give post office my correct address after I clearly sent u an e-mail on sunday teling u that i mistyped my address into teh order and u never responded. today is now monday and u responded almost 24 hours late i want my money back!!! if this is how u do business than u should be ashamed. it is not that hard to respond to an e-mail same day and it is not hard to call teh post office and give them my correct address."
- 2,037
- Colorado
I don't know if they had English as a second language or not. Her name was January!
Changed.
There once was a woman one day strolling her baby in it's carriage and she came upon a man and laughed at her baby and said, "Your baby looks like a monkey" The woman was so hurt by this mans comment she started crying hysterically.
That same day, a priest was walking down the street after just finishing his lunch. He took his bannana with him for dessert and decided to walk down the road and just take in the scenery while eating it.
Suddenly, the woman crying hysterically saw the priest and said, "Father, please help me. A man just made fun of my babyand called it a monkey". Moved with compassion the priest replied, " "My child, do not take offense to what this man has said and forgive him" "God will help you in your trial, be not afraid". The woman became calm and was relieved. She couldn't thank the priest enough for his words of comfort.
Finally the priest said,"Go in peace my child and here is an extra banana for your baby."
Changed.
There once was a woman one day strolling her baby in it's carriage and she came upon a man and laughed at her baby and said, "Your baby looks like a monkey" The woman was so hurt by this mans comment she started crying hysterically.
That same day, a priest was walking down the street after just finishing his lunch. He took his bannana with him for dessert and decided to walk down the road and just take in the scenery while eating it.
Suddenly, the woman crying hysterically saw the priest and said, "Father, please help me. A man just made fun of my babyand called it a monkey". Moved with compassion the priest replied, " "My child, do not take offense to what this man has said and forgive him" "God will help you in your trial, be not afraid". The woman became calm and was relieved. She couldn't thank the priest enough for his words of comfort.
Finally the priest said,"Go in peace my child and here is an extra banana for your baby."
Last edited:
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said,
"The answer is -£5,000."
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said,
"The answer is -£5,000."
- 6,598
- United Kingdom
- MSTER232
- PS3 =/= Xbox 360
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
I was hungover this morning so phoned work and said to the boss, "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
Bill was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man" he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $150 million"
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man" he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $150 million"
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
- 8,239
- United Kingdom
^ 👍
👍
- 1,336
- Lisboa
- tronrider345
América: Haters gonna hate!
Canada: Sirs which do not like my opinion will dislike.
Crappy joke yeah..
Canada: Sirs which do not like my opinion will dislike.
Crappy joke yeah..
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
My English teacher said to me "Use 'harassment' in a sentence"
I replied "I was in love with this girl and harassment a lot to me"
Since announcing his retirement from football, Michael Owen says that he wants to go into management. His first job is going to be managing standing up without getting injured.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
I replied "I was in love with this girl and harassment a lot to me"
Since announcing his retirement from football, Michael Owen says that he wants to go into management. His first job is going to be managing standing up without getting injured.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
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