- 1,459
- USA
What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
You're too young to smoke.
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
- 724,794 views
- 35,408
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."
- - - - -
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
- - - - -
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!
- - - - -
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
- - - - -
An attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!
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- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer. --Robin Williams
- 7,432
- Fort Collins, CO
- Koios1031
- koios1031
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides"
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides"
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
Good stuff TB 
👍
==========
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $5.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull 5 bucks out of their wallet. And then the woman pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $20.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a twenty dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The woman then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
👍==========
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $5.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull 5 bucks out of their wallet. And then the woman pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $20.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a twenty dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The woman then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
- 7,432
- Fort Collins, CO
- Koios1031
- koios1031
For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”
He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’. She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”
He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’. She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce.
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Ken Koios
Hahaha!! Good one!
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?" --Billy Connolly
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television. --Billy Connolly
You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler... --Dylan Moran
Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!" --Dylan Moran
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. --Zach Galifianakis
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- 7,432
- Fort Collins, CO
- Koios1031
- koios1031
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?’
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?’
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "
51 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! "The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together...the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days! "
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "
51 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! "The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about? The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together...the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days! "
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- 8,239
- United Kingdom
haitch40
*baddum-tsh*
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
Yuri, a well-to-do Soviet, wanted to buy a car. He knew that it would take ten years for his papers to trickle down to the appropriate level for him to obtain a car, and he was aware of the high price, but nevertheless, he wanted a car.
So Yuri went down to the Soviet department building to fill out the forms.
After filling the forms he turned them in to the man at the front office who said, "Alright, thank you, come back in ten years." Yuri replied, "Morning or afternoon?" to which the confused office man said, "In ten years. Why would the time of day matter?" Yuri bluntly replied, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning."
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A for reference if that wasn't funny but you still want to understand so that you can tell me how bad I did)
So Yuri went down to the Soviet department building to fill out the forms.
After filling the forms he turned them in to the man at the front office who said, "Alright, thank you, come back in ten years." Yuri replied, "Morning or afternoon?" to which the confused office man said, "In ten years. Why would the time of day matter?" Yuri bluntly replied, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning."
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A for reference if that wasn't funny but you still want to understand so that you can tell me how bad I did)
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
''Speaking."
''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV (AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
''Speaking."
''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV (AIDS). We can't tell which is which."
''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
- 19,013
- Jersey V.1.0
- axletramp
Heard this last night on the wonderfully title TV show 'Old Jews Telling Jokes':
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"Can you talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's full of crap. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"Can you talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's full of crap. He didn't do any of that stuff."
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
In the film the lion the witch and the wardrobe, when the evil witch died, eternal winter ended and summer started. This weekends temperature is going to be 20 degrees. Coincidence?
They say that when you do some public speaking you should always open with a joke.
I wonder how many more would have survived if I'd got straight to the tsunami warning?
I was standing outside the pub when a woman walked over to me.
"Am I supposed to meet you here? I'm from 'match.com'." she said.
"That's bloody amazing." I replied, pulling out my cigarettes.
"I've just lost my lighter."
Margaret Thatcher meets Jimmy Saville at the gates of hell and Saville says "What are you down 'ere for Maggie "?
"Same as you " says Thatcher,
"What would that be then, love?" asks Saville
"Shafting miners"
As I walked up to the door of the newsagents today I saw that the sign said 'CLOSED' "Oh, great!" I yelled, looking directly at the man behind the counter, "Can you let me out please mate?"
I was on holiday in the alps when I saw a sign saying Ski Hire. So I went a bit further up the slope.
They say that when you do some public speaking you should always open with a joke.
I wonder how many more would have survived if I'd got straight to the tsunami warning?
I was standing outside the pub when a woman walked over to me.
"Am I supposed to meet you here? I'm from 'match.com'." she said.
"That's bloody amazing." I replied, pulling out my cigarettes.
"I've just lost my lighter."
Margaret Thatcher meets Jimmy Saville at the gates of hell and Saville says "What are you down 'ere for Maggie "?
"Same as you " says Thatcher,
"What would that be then, love?" asks Saville
"Shafting miners"
As I walked up to the door of the newsagents today I saw that the sign said 'CLOSED' "Oh, great!" I yelled, looking directly at the man behind the counter, "Can you let me out please mate?"
I was on holiday in the alps when I saw a sign saying Ski Hire. So I went a bit further up the slope.
- 325
- UK
- Ask Me :)
- Don't ask me :(
^
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
What do you get when you cross a panda, a horse, and a washing machine?
A Porsche!
Great stuff porthillking!
A Porsche!
Great stuff porthillking!
- 1,257
- England
- porthillking
- 862
- Northamptonshire
- Ryanswannell
I'm not sure if these have been posted already, sorry if they are reapeats.
I've just accidentally eaten some scrabble tiles. My next s*** could spell disaster.
My wife gave me £50 yesterday and told me to go out and spend it on something to make her look sexy. You should have seen her face when I came home drunk.
Damn, I've just been thrown out of B&Q. What happened was a bloke in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking, but I managed to land the first punch.
I've just accidentally eaten some scrabble tiles. My next s*** could spell disaster.
My wife gave me £50 yesterday and told me to go out and spend it on something to make her look sexy. You should have seen her face when I came home drunk.
Damn, I've just been thrown out of B&Q. What happened was a bloke in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking, but I managed to land the first punch.
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- 29,357
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Classic.
- 5,551
- Controls set for heart of sun
- GTP_RogerTheHors
Seen this floating about quite a bit on the internet. Made me burst out laughing:
The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The ex-PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, "did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Conservative in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Thatcher seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope punched her.
The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The ex-PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, "did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Conservative in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Thatcher seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope punched her.
- 4,035
- Derbyshire, UK
- DG Silva
Couldn't think of anywhere else to put this:
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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- porthillking
Ahahahaha whaaaat? ^^
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Thank god for Pam Ayres 👍
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