Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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ghskilla
Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your 🤬 out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.
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http://[domain blocked due to malware]/instances/300x/30612412.jpg

Well, here's my joke:

There's this man that is so tall that whenever he eats yogurt, it gets rotten at the time it reaches the stomach
 
Roger the Horse
Correct!

Now, once I was feeding a parrot when suddenly it announced
"Look out! It's Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel!" So I turned around only to see Tony Blair in a Humongous Mecha, so I replied
"That's not Gordon Brown and Angela Merkel, that's Tony Bl..."
But before I could finish Blair blasted the parrot into little pieces, and this made me feel very unhappy, so I pulled out ÂŁ7 and demanded that Blair buy me a new parrot, but he only told me that my parrot was resting. Seeing the incoming Monty Python sketch I gave up and asked Tony what he was doing. He told me that he had heard Silvio Berlusconi was having a bunga bunga party, and that he assumed that that had something to do with Humoungous Mech suits. Finding such naivety amusing, I informed Tony that such parties had nothing to do with Humoungous Mecha's, but that he should probably go there with it just to distract everyone.
So off Mr Blair went, only to be stopped by Nicolas Sarkozy, who threw a huge lump of concrete at the mecha, knocking it to the floor. Tony got out, and asked Nicolas what he was doing. Sarkozy claimed it was a chunk of the Berlin Wall, however Blair figured otherwise, immediately noticing that it was the bit of his garage floor that had gone missing a fortnight ago.
So Tony Blair called the police, and Nicolas Sarkozy was once again arrested for stealing chunks of garage floors, which leads me onto my next issue.
Blue Cheese.
Blue Cheese is a product often produced in France, much like French presidents, and as with many French things it can be substituted for by something similar made in another country, but Blue Cheese is however a food product so the French should do it better than others, right?
Wrong, Stilton is British, and yet it is superior to everything. STILTON IS MY GOD!
If you refuse to worship Stilton, then obviously you are secretly the pet of a high ranking government official who is about to start demanding an arrest warrant against one 'Roger the Horse' for filling this thread with complete and utter nonsense that nobody finds funny, although the "funniness" of jokes is subjective and some people may actually find this 'Roger the Horse' characters joke's hilarious, probably due to underexposure to actual comedy, in which case they should probably see a doctor.
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"You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."
 
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Why is reading a Playboy magazine like reading National Geographic?

You get to see a lot of great places you'll never visit.
 
Want to make your wife or girlfriend feel like a princess this christmas?

Then simply obsess about her sisters posterior.
 
Not sure if its a joke or not. True story though.


Guy knocks my door and asks if its ok to take a parcel for next door. Ok I says. "right Ho Charlie unload the van". A ****ing double mattress now adorns my passageway.

Hope there not on holiday.
 
Spagetti69
Not sure if its a joke or not. True story though.

Guy knocks my door and asks if its ok to take a parcel for next door. Ok I says. "right Ho Charlie unload the van". A ****ing double mattress now adorns my passageway.

Hope there not on holiday.
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What would be a joke though, is if you swap it for your old piss stained one.

Edit: And, when you say passageway.... :)
 
heingericke
What would be a joke though, is if you swap it for your old piss stained one.

Edit: And, when you say passageway.... :)
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That made me laugh mate.

It's gone now, my passage is clear once more. Lol.
 
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmothers' dementia has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
 
A group of guy friends start making plans to go camping the upcoming weekend. All is agreed upon except for Jerry, who said he would have to discuss it first with his wife. Knowing how Jerry's wife is and poor Jerry being whipped harder than a racing horse the friends knew Jerry would not be going camping. The rest of the week goes by and Saturday morning comes. The friends get together and head for the mountains. When they arrive at their favorite camping spot they are shocked to see Jerry there with all the camping gear already set up. Seeing the surprise on his friends faces Jerry explains his story. "Well, I asked my wife if I could go camping this weekend and she said, 'we'll see', and we all know what that means. So Friday night I'm reading my book in bed and all of a sudden the bedroom lights dim. I looked up and there stood my wife, butt naked at the end of the bed, holding a bottle of lotion and a rope. She slowly crawled up the bed, grinning at me. She then whispered in my ear, 'anything, you can do anything you want, I don't care.' So I tied her to the bed and now here I am!"
 
The difference between ET and an illegal alien is ?

1. - ET looked better
2. - ET smelled better
3. - ET learned English
4. - ET did not claim benefits
5. - ET had his own bike
6. - ET wanted to go home
 
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
 
Man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

"Ugh!" Says the doctor "That looks nasty!"

"Nasty?" Replies the man "Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
 
Nicksfix
The difference between ET and an illegal alien is ?

1. - ET looked better
2. - ET smelled better
3. - ET learned English
4. - ET did not claim benefits
5. - ET had his own bike
6. - ET wanted to go home
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Oh god. :lol:
 

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