My Story. (Warning: Long)
- Thread starter MistaX
- 101 comments
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- 1,785
Same here Fred
John, I spend most of my nights on my computer browsing forums and generally dreaming about what I want to spend my money on. I have very few friends that I socialise with, I have had one girlfriend in the past and she was a waste of time, I don't personally know any girls and my sexual experiences are few and far between. I've sabotaged the only two real friendships I ever had. I spend more time and money on my cars then I should do and I don't socialise well, I have very low self esteem and little confidence when it comes to myself, I'm confident with my work and things that I do, but I have no respect for myself. I'm a loser.
My sister has been through depression and while I feel it's easy for me to go very low, I just don't do it, there is no trying, I just do not let myself get to that level - 'Do or do not, there is no try'
I cried for the first time in ages a few weeks ago, I found out my mother has breast cancer - nothing too serious but what upset me was my father. In the time that his wife needs him the most he still chose to drink. He visits the pub after work quite a lot and the night after my mothers first set of tests he went to the pub. I tried to crack a joke with him and he got all sarcastic and ****ty with me and I snapped, everything came out. How much I hate him and what he does, how much I love him and how I feel he is ruining my family.
The following day I had everything ready to move out into a flat, so it's just as well that I chose that night to have a go at him, I couldn't stand to live with him anymore.
Moving out of home is a decision I made and I felt I had to do it. Living with my sloth of a father, control freak mother and attention seeking sister was getting too much and I feel was contributing to my laziness and lack of enthusiasm for anything.
Living in a flat isn't easy, theres lots of new things I have to contend with (washing machines, dryers, ovens etc) but I'm really enjoying it.
Change is important, whether it be moving from IE to Firefox, changing the layout of your bedroom, changing to a different type of car all the way up to changing your life.
Change isn't easy, nobody ever said it was but everybody can do it. John, I believe you can do it. I can't put into words just how bad I feel right now after reading this thread (late I might add, GTP sucks too much for me to hang around too much nowadays) and all the **** I've given you in the past.
You mean a lot to me, in the time where I had no friends you were there. Even if it meant having a massive MSN convo left on my computer with a whole bunch of idiots that I just don't like. The fact that you added me in the first place means the world to me.
We may not have got on as well as you have with others (Fred, Doug) but I enjoy the good times I've had in those MSN convos with the people I do like, giving you **** or being on the receiving end doesn't matter - I felt included and I'm glad I was a part of all of that.
Now I feel as though this is all in vain. I wish I didn't live on the other side of the world John, it may not be completely obvious to you but there is a lot of love in your world.
Please don't do it, you fat son of a bitch
- 3,770
- Boss-Barracuda
well, I don't know you at all, but i really liked your podcasts. 
If you really are going to kill yourself, then im sorry you feel that way. You've been through alot of ****, and if you really feel its time, then you gotta do what you gotta do.
I somewhat understand how you feel. I get like that most of the time, and can't really find much of a future to live for. The only thing i have to complain about is my psychopath mother (not literally, she's just a crazy ***** most of the time, and she always argues about everything), having to live in Florida which is way to damn hot for a new englander like myself, and some other things.
You seem like a cool guy, and you still have alot to offer GTP. All i can say is Good luck with your life, and i hope things get better from whatever happened.
If you really are going to kill yourself, then im sorry you feel that way. You've been through alot of ****, and if you really feel its time, then you gotta do what you gotta do.
I somewhat understand how you feel. I get like that most of the time, and can't really find much of a future to live for. The only thing i have to complain about is my psychopath mother (not literally, she's just a crazy ***** most of the time, and she always argues about everything), having to live in Florida which is way to damn hot for a new englander like myself, and some other things.
You seem like a cool guy, and you still have alot to offer GTP. All i can say is Good luck with your life, and i hope things get better from whatever happened.
- 25,130
- Somewhere.
Now I feel as though this is all in vain. I wish I didn't live on the other side of the world John, it may not be completely obvious to you but there is a lot of love in your world.
Please don't do it, you fat son of a bitch
And that, John, is the reason why we want you to stay on this earth. We've never met in the actual world, but damn, I know you better than most of my closest real life friends. I wish I could drive down there right now, and smack you on the side of the head and try to inject a bit of common sense in there, but it's not that easy.
Think about it John... you've got real friends that care about you, and your well being. You've just never met them per se... and probably never will, sadly. But we're there.
- 7,956
- BradleyH131
Yes. Many of us care greatly about you. I never needed to met you to know you're a great person and if I ever knew you in the real world I would gladly be your friend.
Don't get rid of all that you have and take the easy way out. I would probably ****ing fly to New Jersey tomorrow if it would could help you and I'm sure many of us would do the same.
Don't get rid of all that you have and take the easy way out. I would probably ****ing fly to New Jersey tomorrow if it would could help you and I'm sure many of us would do the same.
- 38,961
- Application hell
- MP-Omnis
John, you're lame. You have it made compared to a lot of people in this world. You even have GTP Premium. Why let that all go to waste? Stick around, crazyface.
If what's triggered this new outburst is a woman, then the quickest way to get over one is to get under another. Don't make Mr. T drive his tank into your basement.
If what's triggered this new outburst is a woman, then the quickest way to get over one is to get under another. Don't make Mr. T drive his tank into your basement.
the Interceptor
Premium
- 4,168
- BEL / GER
- theInterceptor77
I just stumbled over this thread this morning, and I couldn't stop reading the story ... the whole story. I barely know you, John, and from what I've just read, I can only begin to imagine what it looks like inside you. I'd lie if I'd say I've never experienced at least a few of those things you have, may it be in a different way. But just the fact that you told your story on this internet forum already shows that there are people here you care about, and these people also care about you ... big time it seems. That said, you shouldn't do what you're about to. Look where you came from, and what you have archieved until today. You want to throw all that away? Make it count, and stand up to the situation you're in. You've encountered and mastered so many problems in the past, so this shouldn't be the last one.
- 10,838
- Belgium
- bramturismo
Why does it feel better? Because you talked about it. John, don't go out there and do stupid things. It's not worth it. Think about what life has got to offer, too much to name right now. Back when I was 14 years old, I weighed 100 kilos. I was being fun made of so heavily, that I was put on an internet site, open to everyone with things about me that they wrote in such a way, it felt like somebody was cutting me, slicing me into little bits, I cannot explain how much it hurt me. I was laying and crying in my bed almost every night. I didn't told anybody about it and I had suicidal dreams and thoughts when I was laying there, thinking of how miserable my life was up till then.
But then I realised how much pain I would bring to other people, those who are there for me. My family, the couple of friends which sticked close to me in that time (only 2 or 3 maybe at that time). Think about what you will do to your family, your father and mother. You can finish it off quickly but you cannot imagine how much pain your family would feel throughout all those years. I cannot deal with the idea that my son would commit suicide, if I'll ever have one. I'd probably die of sadness.
Think of all the good things in life, live up to them. Do whatever it takes to meet new people, create new friendships. Friends do an incredible job in those dark times you need someone to talk to. Don't think you can handle it all by yourself, because you can't.
Ever since I moved from Belgium, I'm having the greatest time of my life. I didn't think it would be this great but I lost some overweight, still working on it, learned a new language, got involved into a new culture, met new people. All this makes me realise how much you can do with your life, go out there and do something John! Now, I come home from school everyday with a big smile, glad I am for those who I laughed with and had fun on the bus and in school. This all keeps me going on, looking forward to what the next day brings. You never know what'll happen in your life but don't take it for granted John, don't make stupid mistakes.
On that, it's amazing how you can tell your stories on GTP. In fact, I was touched when I read throughout these 4 pages...I'm pretty sure everyone at GTP will be there for your John, you can even call me, though it would cost a hell bunch of money. Just don't do anything stupid!
I've refrained from posting because I have nothing nice to say. But, I'm going to go out on a limb and say walk it off bitch. From what I've read you havent even gone through half of what I've gone through or anyone else I know for that matter. The only difference is that I never let it get to me and I never tried to kill myself. Life is tough, you cant let it get to you. If something goes wrong, if you make a mistake, learn from it and move forward. You should just think about how selfish you sound. Think about the people on the street starving everyday, people who are dying of diseases, children who live their lifes in group homes because they have no parents, children whos parents abandoned them, children who are forced to live in dog cages, people who lose their whole family in one accident, people who have been murdered, tortured, raped. The way I see it, you have no reason to be depressed, and if you are, then you need stronger medication. You're 19 years old. If you think it's tough now, wait till life really starts to suck.
- 5,216
- Nicest part of hell
Damnit, that sounds so extremely familiar to me.
I too only have two things that makes my life worthy to life, and both are either endangered or very rare and take a lot of effort and money. Time between these things is just waiting, sitting, sleeping, you dont care abot anything except that two things you live for, and most people think you are either a nut ot just lazy.
I had a lot of reasons to love my life some years ago, but suddenly all started to change somehow (6 years ago) , I could not enjoy the things I liked as much as before, after some time I started to abandon things I used to love, my friends, my hobbies, just everything except two things. Everything got worse since that, I dont care about other people, stuff thats going on on the world leaves me unemotional like almost everything, food I used to love tastes like everything else, like cold mud, my employment I liked so much before seems to be meaningless and stupid. And theres that bad feeling of beeing isolated like living on another planet, and I am always tired.
I was a very good scholar with only A's and B's until things got worse without a reason, now I dropped like a stone and everything went to hell. I dropped out of school, did not finish my apprenticeship, got an idiot job, have no money, no friends, nothing....
At least I got some pills from the doctor that makes me feel very wierd, creates headache but the bad thoughts are gone for a short period of time.
I hope depressions will dissappear some day, but it does not look too good right now as I am waiting for that day since 6 years and everything only got worse, even hope will die someday.
I just wanted to say: You are not alone, so keep the hope, hope is dope. And suicide is just stupid, you will die anyway sooner or later so whats the point of suicide?
I too only have two things that makes my life worthy to life, and both are either endangered or very rare and take a lot of effort and money. Time between these things is just waiting, sitting, sleeping, you dont care abot anything except that two things you live for, and most people think you are either a nut ot just lazy.
I had a lot of reasons to love my life some years ago, but suddenly all started to change somehow (6 years ago) , I could not enjoy the things I liked as much as before, after some time I started to abandon things I used to love, my friends, my hobbies, just everything except two things. Everything got worse since that, I dont care about other people, stuff thats going on on the world leaves me unemotional like almost everything, food I used to love tastes like everything else, like cold mud, my employment I liked so much before seems to be meaningless and stupid. And theres that bad feeling of beeing isolated like living on another planet, and I am always tired.
I was a very good scholar with only A's and B's until things got worse without a reason, now I dropped like a stone and everything went to hell. I dropped out of school, did not finish my apprenticeship, got an idiot job, have no money, no friends, nothing....
At least I got some pills from the doctor that makes me feel very wierd, creates headache but the bad thoughts are gone for a short period of time.
I hope depressions will dissappear some day, but it does not look too good right now as I am waiting for that day since 6 years and everything only got worse, even hope will die someday.
I just wanted to say: You are not alone, so keep the hope, hope is dope. And suicide is just stupid, you will die anyway sooner or later so whats the point of suicide?
Blake
Premium
- 10,976
- NSW, Australia
- haswell00
Yeah, he seems pretty convinced. I tried a fair bit to convince him otherwise, and he seemed to be budging a little, but not much. I don’t know if he will stand (or has stood) in-front of that train, but I really hope he comes to his senses.
Mind you, his suicide note sucked. I hope he re-read it and made some revisions. Can you say “sentence fragment”?
Max Powers
(Banned)
- 4,475
- XBL: MelBlount
- MelBlount
I have no idea what to say about this, but I just really hope you're here to post again, John.
- 1,785
John you are not seeking attention, you're the envy of a lot of people on here because of your ability to make people laugh, you're seeking help and everyone here is wants to help not to give you attention.
I want to see you take this low point of your life and use it to turn around, it can be done John! It's easy to take the easy route but theres so much more satisfaction when you take the hard road and suceed!
I want to see you take this low point of your life and use it to turn around, it can be done John! It's easy to take the easy route but theres so much more satisfaction when you take the hard road and suceed!
- 3,770
- Boss-Barracuda
Its quicker
jkI hate it when people bring up "there are people living worse than you" don't you think we already know that. When you don't care about anything but a couple things, starving people in Africa is the last thing on your list. A lot of the time, you just hate people altogether and would rather just get hit by a car
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