No Alcohol: Day 42
Today is 6 weeks since the last drink. I believe this is usually how long it takes to detox from alcohol.
It's beginning to get a bit difficult again, I've really not noticed a tangible improvement in my health or well-being.
I've made a lot of improvements to my life over the past 6 weeks - but this could just as easily be part of the same desire for change mechanism that lead me to quit in the first place, as it could be an effect of quitting... heck, it could even be just because I'm now more open to God! who knows!
Problem is, the underlying reasons for me drinking haven't changed in 10 years, and now I can't loose my mind somewhere towards the bottom of a bottle of Rum I'm becoming more acutely aware of that each passing day. It's not fun, in fact it's total ****, and as the days have turned into weeks the idea that, at 33, this is how everyday for the rest of my life is going to be makes everything so much harder.
I've resigned myself to accepting this as a test of my resolve and I will not be weak and I won't give in (although I am sat here drinking 0% beer as a placebo)... I'm just not yet sure why I'm doing it, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm better off on the drink.
"The Gospel according to Matski"
.. this is a little bit religious, which really I feel foolish saying, but I asked God* for help and strength through a difficult time; I was broke and had 2 weeks to move out, so I gave up drinking. One-day that week I had a chat to a friends Dad, he's firmly a christian believer... it was an interesting conversation and whilst I assured him my belief is in science and not religion, I did also talk with him about my Mum having cancer - this scares the crap out of me and I've not verbalised any of my feelings on it before. He was the one that gave me a bible...
.. within that week I'd agreed with my new/current landlord a deal to move into a bigger, better house, that is also cheaper (2 bed semi with garage and garden from 2 bed flat), but at this stage, I didn't have the money to fulfil my part of the deal. Since I've no savings and was being turned down by everyone for loans, I was a bit stuck.
.. So, I asked* for help again, did the lord provide? Well, specifically it was my boss... who lent (actually "gave" would be the word) me the money to move, and to buy the essential furnishings.
So now I find myself in a nicer place, with better stuff, and I'm not drinking.
Open to the idea that 'maybe I should start believing in this', I asked for a sign... the following morning I'm woken up by two preachers at the door... it was a real short conversation, and I went back to bed none the wiser, but the coincidence struck me later...
.. so I said again* 'maybe I should start believing in this', feeling that maybe this would help me improve my life - I just needed a sign, something to motivate me. The following day, a distant friend was re-introduced to me. Not a close friend, or somebody I speak to that often, but somebody that was there for me once when I really needed it, and without even realising it helped me through some tough times - this is somebody that helps me to see that it is worth making the effort each day. (She's also quite attractive which is nice)
... so, I said* 'If all it takes is belief to give me the strength to get on, then all I need is Hope, and I can do the rest'.
And lo, it put was put before me the following day, the opportunity to become a director within the company I work for, which would come with both risk and more importantly... reward --- yep, bigger paycheque... (not that I'm shallow or materialistic, but I'm sick and tired of being in debt and basically skint over the last 15 years and not having anything to show for it)... the company has just started turning over millions of pounds a year, with foreseeable and probable growth of 200% over the next 3-5 years.
So... There is hope.
Question is now, do I believe?
One thing I am sure about, is you don't have to believe in God to give thanks for the good things, such as the good health of friends and family, for having a better standard of living, and having far more freedoms and opportunities than billions of other people in the world, and for being physically and mentally healthy enough myself to live my own life... just at the end of the day, after you've turned out your side-light, even if you just say it to yourself, I believe it's important to acknowledge such things.
*I would say, I had a discussion with myself, in the hope that fate, the cosmos, somebody, or something would hear.
Aaaaannyyhow... I've also been using the multi-gym, incline bench and free-weights most nights. Still not massive work-outs, but it's still new enough that my muscles properly hurt even before I start, that should pass by the end of the week I hope.
The boredom that has arisen from not drinking and having 0% social life lead me to start removing unwanted body hair with an epilator. It hurts like "F", don't ever do it!
! ever !
In other news, I may learn a new language.
I also saw a good advert on Facebook, no idea what it was for but it included the quote:
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything"... which I thought was good.
_
Mind: Cleaner, but not clearer
Body: 1.5st lighter, marginally more toned, and partially hairless
Soul: Maybe not lost!
.. oh man that will be a TL;DR post!
) is perfectly natural and a good way of cleaning the pipes, so to speak. No reason to give it up unless you believe the old wives' tale of going blind!
I still feel a bit down at times, but nothing like I felt in the past. I've also started thinking about getting into better physical shape recently. Finally, I want to work hard on my shyness around people, especially women and become better at expressing my emotions. I will forever be grateful for my late grandmother and this woman for pulling me out of a hole I fell in and almost couldn't get out of. 👍
Back on topic, I'm going to a get-together tomorrow for the neighbors we helped move; I'll try my new found self-confidence out. 
