Ok update on the update!
If someone has a similar problem - it seemed to have worked.
I tried to copy the update files to usb, but that didn't work, first it took forever, only 10kb/s...tried to copy a movie file - that was 16MB/s so it's not the usb, plus at some point it told me "error cannot copy this file", so obviously copy protection...
Ok.
Deleted the whole thing (all update files, old and new).
Went to > update / security so it would create a new "download" folder for updates (windows does this automatically as soon you go to updates).
Set my connection to metered under > network settings
Set windows updates to > disable under > services.msc (setting this to manual will not work, tested that)
Restarted the laptop = the restart and update option under > power is gone!
In > update / security it tells me "Good news we're about to 🤬 up your computer! :-) :-) :-)" (I might be mis remembering the exact wording...) instead of " Update ready to install, restart your computer now!".
So, yes deleting the > Download folder under > Software Distribution works to defer a Microsoft Windows 10 feature update you just have to also disable automatic updates and or set your connection to metered (haven't tested what happens if I restart the update service yet).
And my harddrive is dead silent again as it should.