How do you mend a broken heart?

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Golfman

Golfman

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I know I have been a bit of a loony in some of the other threads in GTPlanet - it's because when I have a strong opinion on something, I don't hold back.

But I am a human being just like anybody else, with feelings and heart.

And my heart has just been broken.

My girlfriend of 5 years has just out of the blue decided she wants some 'space', a 'time-out', 'time to think things over'.............all that stuff.
I asked her if it is anything I have done. She says 'It' not you, it's me.'

I have done nothing to deserve this.
I gave up everything for her - my social life, reduced contact with friends who eventually drifted away. Every piece of money I had, I made sure she came first because I worshipped her.
1 year ago we moved into a flat together. It was decided that she would pay the big bills (rent, electric, water etc.) and I would pay the council tax, food shopping, furnishings, everyday things that we needed.
Every piece of furniture in the place belongs to me. And I will be paying for it for the next 4 years. You see, I splashed out big time because I thought we had a life and be together forever.
Now it looks like I will have to pick up the big bills as well as paying for everything else. I will be permanently skint for the next few years, an will ill-afford to basically have a life.

This may seem like a sad tale for these forums, but honestly, chatting to everybody on here has been like having a whole new set of pals.

So how does a person move on? Do I wait, hoping she will come back? Do I try to find love again? True love.............she was the only one who made me feel this way.

Ho do you mend a broken heart?
 
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Danny Dyer
Cut her face. Then no-one else will want her.
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"It's not you, it's me" means "I'm bored with you and I've already hooked up with someone more interesting - who I'll get bored with in 5 years".

Does she have a sister? 🤬 her sister. Her mum if you're feeling knife-twisty.
 
That's one that can backfire quite hard though. Especially in... errr... insular, rural communities.
 
Golfman
I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but at the moment, alcohol is the last thing I need. The way I'm feeling just now I'm liable to mix it with something else.
Nurofen for example.
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Listen to this song until you feel more miserable about The Cult than you do your girlfriend:

 
this is where your friends step in and keep you occupied, after a while it wears off :)
if she comes back, great, if not at least youv been prepared.

its an utterly stupid thing to do, asking for a break because its easier than straight admitting its over. seems girls choose it in the hope that the guy makes the final cut first instead.
 
Sadly this happens. Sad it happened to you.

Are there people out there that can discuss the other side?

I do not believe she can pinpoint it to one thing, it rarely is something we can express clearly in words; why a relationship does not work from your side.

Take your time, look up some of the friends you lost contact with and notice they are in relationships, have to take the children to the sports club, need to garden, take the bins out... oh yes and nice to have seen you, ....

Relationships change all the time, people move, change interest etc... there are other people out there looking for a new social life.

Intimate relationships that break up hurt.
It is your choice remember the hurt or cherish the good there was and go for the good of your future.
 
What is even harder is the fact we are both in a well-paid, secure job. And both work the same hours in the same department - she started off in different hours but moved her shifts(with my help) to be nearer me. Neither of us would want to leave because the job is so secure. Hard to find work these days.
 
Well my heart was given a firm smack recently too - and it isn't getting easier. This could be because we still live in the same set of blocks on campus at uni and share most of our friends. So I can't realy avoid her - and she is as attractive as ever. No I'm not over her, nor do I want to be. For the time being I'm not going to try and throw it away willy nilly - she meant too much for that.
Do whatever feels natural - but don't question it. I have been conflicted and telling myself how I feel is rediculous - but now I'm at the point where I don't care, I'm following my nose.
 
Another thing that has been playing on my mind is: is this really out of the blue or has she been waiting for a while to tell me?
If it has been brewing for a while, I think it is really nasty to wait until we got settled in our own place and everything. When we both met, I was living at my parent's house, and she shared with a flatmate. I find it really ironic that the 4 years prior to getting our own place were the best years we had together.
I have asked, quizzed, and pleaded with her to give me some sort of explanation. But all she says is 'I don't know how I feel. I am confused', and she is adamant that there is no one else.
All said and done, I don't know how I will get over her. I was 100% devoted to her and she throws the last 5 years back in my face for no reason. What's a guy to do? Are all women like this?
 
She's no doubt reached the point where she has to see a long-term future in this relationship if she's going to stick to it. Perhaps she doesn't know, perhaps the idea scares her.

The only thing that can be done involved a game of darts, a photo of her and a few beers. Friends optional.
 
Golfman
Another thing that has been playing on my mind is: is this really out of the blue or has she been waiting for a while to tell me?
If it has been brewing for a while, I think it is really nasty to wait until we got settled in our own place and everything. When we both met, I was living at my parent's house, and she shared with a flatmate. I find it really ironic that the 4 years prior to getting our own place were the best years we had together.
I have asked, quizzed, and pleaded with her to give me some sort of explanation. But all she says is 'I don't know how I feel. I am confused', and she is adamant that there is no one else.
All said and done, I don't know how I will get over her. I was 100% devoted to her and she throws the last 5 years back in my face for no reason. What's a guy to do? Are all women like this?
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I think maybe there is your answer. Everything was good until you moved in together. It changes the relationship - as far as you are concerned it changed for the better but by the sounds of it it didn't work out like that for her.
The sad fact is people change, feelings change there doesn't have to be one clear cut thing that has made the change. There may have been a whole lot of little tiny things that have made her feelings change, each one on their own not enough to break a relationship but all bundled together has made her think she doesn't want this to be her life.

You will get over it but it will take time. The sad truth is you just gotta move on and not dwell on it. A year from now you will be wondering why the heck you were so cut up over it.
 
Better now than before more "permanent" legal commitments are made, such as getting married.
 
Golfman
Another thing that has been playing on my mind is: is this really out of the blue or has she been waiting for a while to tell me?
If it has been brewing for a while, I think it is really nasty to wait until we got settled in our own place and everything. When we both met, I was living at my parent's house, and she shared with a flatmate. I find it really ironic that the 4 years prior to getting our own place were the best years we had together.
I have asked, quizzed, and pleaded with her to give me some sort of explanation. But all she says is 'I don't know how I feel. I am confused', and she is adamant that there is no one else.
All said and done, I don't know how I will get over her. I was 100% devoted to her and she throws the last 5 years back in my face for no reason. What's a guy to do? Are all women like this?
Click to expand...

You wussied out. Giving up everything and being a 'gent' (a doormat) shows you lack confidence/power. I had pretty much the same thing a few years ago. I gave her everything, changed plans to make her happy and always let her make the decisions. Eventually they get bored of taking advantage and look for someone they actually want.

Seriously, man up! YOU decide what you're doing that day, who you're friends with and take control of your life! Keep her on her toes, to the point she can't figure you out. If she says 'no', do it anyway (within reason, obviously).

A LOT of guys make the mistake of becoming too attached. Saying 'I love you' just because she does, following her around like a lost lamb. Sort it, give her a challenge and be different and she'll love you for it!

EDIT: Oh, and the best way to get over a girl? Get under another. Sounds crude, but seriously, it deactivates your brains 'Oh #@!*, i just lost my breeding partner!' response.

Being truthful, it can take anywhere between 1-2 years to fully get over a long-term partner. Best way to pass this time is to get out, improve yourself by learning new skills, getting fit, making new friends, etc. That way, if you look back at the relationship you've gained something you didn't have before.
 
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Imakuni
You wussied out. Giving up everything and being a 'gent' (a doormat) shows you lack confidence/power. I had pretty much the same thing a few years ago. I gave her everything, changed plans to make her happy and always let her make the decisions. Eventually they get bored of taking advantage and look for someone they actually want.

Seriously, man up! YOU decide what you're doing that day, who you're friends with and take control of your life! Keep her on her toes, to the point she can't figure you out. If she says 'no', do it anyway (within reason, obviously).

A LOT of guys make the mistake of becoming too attached. Saying 'I love you' just because she does, following her around like a lost lamb. Sort it, give her a challenge and be different and she'll love you for it!
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What you call 'wussied out' is what's also known as 'compromise' and is the cornerstone of making a relationship last. You just can't be selfish and expect your partner to stick around for long. 'Giving her a challenge' and 'Keeping her on her toes' is a method that may or may not work in the initial 6 months of a relationship but no women worth keeping hold of will stand for that kind of attitude for long. Unless they're complete dullards, and who wants to have a relationship with a dullard?
 
TheCracker
What you call 'wussied out' is what's also known as 'compromise' and is the cornerstone of making a relationship last. You just can't be selfish and expect your partner to stick around for long. 'Giving her a challenge' and 'Keeping her on her toes' is a method that may or may not work in the initial 6 months of a relationship but no women worth keeping hold of will stand for that kind of attitude for long. Unless they're complete dullards, and who wants to have a relationship with a dullard?
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Yeah. Was about to reply to that one. Back when we first started, I tried doing what I wanted and laying down groundrules. She put up with it the first few weeks then it got to the stage where she accused me of putting my own interests above her. So I did a compromise because I didn't want to lose her. Should have told her to get lost back then before I got too attached.
 
TheCracker
What you call 'wussied out' is what's also known as 'compromise' and is the cornerstone of making a relationship last. You just can't be selfish and expect your partner to stick around for long. 'Giving her a challenge' and 'Keeping her on her toes' is a method that may or may not work in the initial 6 months of a relationship but no women worth keeping hold of will stand for that kind of attitude for long. Unless they're complete dullards, and who wants to have a relationship with a dullard?
Click to expand...

Obviously you compromise (although being open with each other makes compromise kinda obsolete), but it's YOUR life, even when a long-term partner is concerned. If she left you tomorrow, where would you be? Alone and living a hollow life? Not me, sorry!

Letting her make all the decisions, scrapping your social life and friends and treating her like a 'princess' IS NOT compromise. In fact, you're almost buying her time - 'Oooh, if I buy you nice things, pay for dinner and put you on a pedestal, you'll love me forever'... err... nah.

So far it's worked for me to be the way I am. I'm not arrogant and i'm not a doormat either.
 
What seems to work when getting over someone is focusing on the things that drove you nuts about that person. There are going to be times when you say to yourself "I'm glad she's not here to say X". Savor those moments. They may be few and infrequent, but they help.
 
I couldn't help but notice how you mentioned that you changed your life for her.

Seems like when I did that in relationships things never lasted.

When you change to better fit someone, you loose yourself and sense of identity.
When that happens, you are no longer the person that they fell for in the first place.
And even though they spured along these changes, it changes the dynamic of what build that relationship in the first place . . . and things fall appart.

Don't go crawling back.

Don't leave your job.
You are already feeling off center because of this, don't add to it by leaving your job and searching for another. It will be much worse that having to work along side her.

Take this oppertunity to find yourself again.
Take this time to rediscover things that make you happy.
Reconnect with lost friends.
Reconnect with yourself.

You've suppressed part of yourself to make things work.
Wake that side up again! You will be supprised at what happens.

Oh, and for future reference.

To compromise is to give in a little bit, still maintaining who you are
To change is to give in, and to leave yourself behind.
 
I find it bad to focus on the bad things of someone to get over them, certainly when you still have to work with them on a day to day basis.

Be clear that moving in together is a very big shock, certainly when it is your first time.
We actually all hope this is easy and does not change the things that came before, but it is not easy and you habits get shot apart. Certainly in my relationship that was a shock to my partner who had been living alone for quite some time and now had to put me (and I'm not easy) in the equation.

The more you are together, like you, work and living together, the more work it asks according to me. Surprise the other, keep the tension going, give them space from time to time.

However very difficult to judge if that had anything to do with your situation.
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. You can't do much but other than pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

But you can also wish her a good life, and in turn you can learn from this so you will be a stronger person in the future.

Remember, when you are angry and hurt by somebody, you are letting them control you. It will hurt now, and probably for some time. But you will come to realize that it was probably for the better.
 
Uh, vinegar and brown paper? No, that's for heads, not hearts.

Then what Famine said. Best advice he's given. It's something I would have said. Hell, it's something I've done! Trust me, it helps. 👍

You think getting blato might help, but it doesn't. It never did for me. Just made me sick and pushed off the feelings to deal with another day. Might as well face them now, and get it over with.
 
Don't discard alcohol, in small quantities it does help. Get yourself some Haruki Murakami books, I know they're sad but that's how you feel right now. When will you get over her? Only when you fall for someone else. But you have to prepare yourself for it. Oh and don't hate her because she hurt you, you'll only hurt yourself more. Besides, maybe she really just needs to think her life over, the end is not certain yet.
 
Well folks, there has been a development. A few days ago she left me and stayed at a friend's, after saying all the things she did about 'wanting space' etc.
Just got a phone call from her today. She wants to move back in, as a flatmate.
She wants the money situation between us not to change, just to go on as it was before in that regard.
However, she says that she still loves me dearly - as a friend. She says it would be nice to move on, have separate lives and relationships, but at the same time be close enough to support each other and give comfort when needed.
I told her I would think about it.
What do you guys think? Does it really sound the best of both worlds? Getting my life back but still having her around as the best friend in the world?
I think it will take some time, but she says she is always gonna be there as a shoulder to cry on.
And you never know, still living together, those feelings may even come back.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your words of wisdom, support, and advice.
I will keep you all posted as to how it goes.
 
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That really is doormat territory.

She wants nothing to change except she gets to bonk other blokes now.
 
Dude, that just sounds like you bent over backwards too much. Don't do that man. Treat a relationship as a 2 way road and not just a one way to whatever she wants. In other words don't put the 🤬 on a pedestal.

And also tell her to not bother coming back to just be roommates (or at all). Grow a spine man.
 

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