How do you mend a broken heart?

[Diego440]

Regardless of the age you feel, the fact is that you're 38 and very immature. I say immature because you want to do things people almost 20 years younger than you still do, yet you're not mature enough to realize why it's wrong. Is it time to settle down? Yes, it should be.

Do you have friends your own age? Do they also want to go out and get drunk and meet young women? I know it may sound tempting to anyone, but the point is there comes a moment in life where life gets in the way. I'm 34 and I do those things maybe once every two months, not because I'm boring, but because I now find doing that continuously boring; I've grown out of it. Now the idea of meeting at a friend's place or having a few people over at mine, listening to some nice tunes and drinking wine sounds like an awesome plan.

Keep it up and in a few years you'll be the typical die-hard old chap who still dresses like a kid, goes every night to the same bar and hangs out with people half his age, still trying to 'rock it out'! And never really settling down on anything. I used to work in a pub and saw those guys all the time.

 

[Neal]

Why isn't there a "rep button" or similar?

Ah well, Tom Servo gets +1 invisible rep 👍

 

[Blitz187]

Regardless of the age you feel, the fact is that you're 38 and very immature. I say immature because you want to do things people almost 20 years younger than you still do, yet you're not mature enough to realize why it's wrong. Is it time to settle down? Yes, it should be.

Do you have friends your own age? Do they also want to go out and get drunk and meet young women? I know it may sound tempting to anyone, but the point is there comes a moment in life where life gets in the way. I'm 34 and I do those things maybe once every two months, not because I'm boring, but because I now find doing that continuously boring; I've grown out of it. Now the idea of meeting at a friend's place or having a few people over at mine, listening to some nice tunes and drinking wine sounds like an awesome plan.

Keep it up and in a few years you'll be the typical die-hard old chap who still dresses like a kid, goes every night to the same bar and hangs out with people half his age, still trying to 'rock it out'! And never really settling down on anything. I used to work in a pub and saw those guys all the time.

Very well said... I couldnt have done it better... 👍 +1

 

[Diego440]

Why isn't there a "rep button" or similar?

There used to be, and I broke it.


There's a reason I have 25 infraction points


It just irks me to see people older than I whining about how they don't like the way life turned out to be. You know what, if life turned out the way I wanted it to be I'd be the #1 goalie in the NHL. Maybe if you don't like the way life has turned out it's time to do something about it.

Oh you hate your job? Well why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.

 

[cpp214]

There used to be, and I broke it.


There's a reason I have 25 infraction points


It just irks me to see people older than I whining about how they don't like the way life turned out to be. You know what, if life turned out the way I wanted it to be I'd be the #1 goalie in the NHL. Maybe if you don't like the way life has turned out it's time to do something about it.

Oh you hate your job? Well why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.

I don't want to get too off topic here, but this is one of the best quotes I have ever read. EVER. Another invisible +1 for Mr. Servo

 

[Neal]

There used to be, and I broke it.


There's a reason I have 25 infraction points

Oops, double

Oh you hate your job? Well why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.

And that's why I don't say "Off to fun now dear" to my wife when I leave the house in the morning



EDIT: How many invisible rep +1's do you need to cancel out an infraction point?

 

[Diego440]

I don't want to get too off topic here, but this is one of the best quotes I have ever read. EVER. Another invisible +1 for Mr. Servo

And that's why I don't say "Off to fun now dear" to my wife when I leave the house in the morning

he he... I think it's actually by George Carlin, though.

 

[CTznOfTime]

You said earlier that you worshipped her, and do anything in the world for her.

That my friend, is the worst thing you can do. And i know what i am talking about.

With each relationship that i have, i do this less and less... still learning to not get too over excited...

You will probably all laugh at this.

I am 38 years old. Between the age of 18 and 32 I feel I wasted my life going out, getting drunk every weekend with my pals, etc. Then I met her.
This girl - my ex - was the first real relationship I ever had. Sure, before her I had a few dates, one night stands, the usual. But she was the one - or so I thought.
I guess what I'm feeling right now is that I am at the age where I feel I should settle down(like so many people my age), yet I feel so much younger and want to go on experiencing life like guys 15 years younger than me.
Is that so weird?
Is almost 40 over the hill and past it?
They say life begins at 40. If that's the case, what have I done, what have I wasted the past 20 years?
I'm sure there are guys out there - maybe even some of you here on GTP - who feel like me, so I would be interested in seeing your opinion on this.
Am I past it? Is it possible to find another relationship, settle down, have a family, yet still enjoy life at my age?
As I say, I am 38, but still only feel like 25.
And people have said I only look about 30. So that helps, believe me!

Saying that, are there any single female members on GTP who would like to say hellooooo.......?

With all due respect to you, this is exactly the situation i dont want to find myself into in the next ten years.

And therefore, i have been trying to find The One for the last 5 (or let's say 10) years...

Having said that, i know each of us have our fair share of luck and bad luck, unfortunate events and any other excuses we give us to delay the settling part. And thus, i also know that we cannot control everything in our lives...

It's just sad that we have to accept any (all) missed opportunities that were given to us... i think my current relationship is not gonna go anywhere, after having spend 3 years hoping, working at it, investing myself...


Findling love is like playing with stocks, you never know whether your investment will become fruitful, and when you lose... it's your entire life saving, from where you need to start all over...

And all the while, time does not stop..

 

[Golfman]

When I said that I feel like doing a lot of things that guys half my age do, I didn't mean that I act like immature and go out partying all the time. Far from it.
Every Friday(since we broke up), I go out through the day and spend 2 or 3 hours at my local pub having a quiet few drinks with regulars that I see quite often. In fact, it reminds me of the TV show Cheers sometimes!
I am all for going round to friends houses and having a few beers and watching a movie or whatever. I would rather go out through the day than at night, because night time is when all the idiots come out. I should know, cos I used to be one of them.
All I am saying is that if the opportunity comes for me to settle down, I will take it, but I don't want to turn into an old fart prematurely.

 

[Talon]

Premature farts are always bad.

Seriously though, not settling down doesn't make you immature, but settling down doesn't make you an old fart either.

 

[Rey-FD]

Doesn't fix it, but good song. lol

 

[Derekcolns]

I know you are going bad phase of life, but its life what to do. Just try and engage your self in different things, work on your hobbies and you have many such options.

 

[Golfman]

Premature farts are always bad.

Seriously though, not settling down doesn't make you immature, but settling down doesn't make you an old fart either.

Talon, I had a good laugh at the first part, cheers!

'Old fart' is probably too harsh. I think I'm just gonna take each day as it comes, and live it to the full. Life is too short - a phrase that has so much meaning but is so underrrated.

 

[BestWorstRacer]

I think you should enjoy your time being single and explore other things out of your norm. Like doing stuff you always wanted to do that you were never able to because someone or something was holding you back. I think you should open yourself up to new things, new activities, new adventures, meet new people, network, etc. because it helps you realize certain things that may not be in your mind right now.

Being 38 years old these days is not a bad thing. You can still start a family and have a child or children when you're 50 years old! The world we live in is different from the old days when you were expected to be married at a certain age, have kids at a certain age, retire at a certain age. That's not how society is anymore.

Relationships are full of risks. There are no guarantees. Always keep that in mind.

When you do plan to start a new relationship, it helps to be direct and straightforward. You should discuss with your new girlfriend your past relationship and make it clear to her that you do not wish to go through the same crap. If that is what she is after, then be direct and tell her that you are not putting up with that kind of drama. It also helps that you do not go all out such as investing lots of money. Enjoy the simple things.

I wish you the best.

 

[Golfman]

Update.

Things have become more complicated. She has now got her own place, so I am happy for her.
However, there is this guy that we both know, was a good friend to us both. Note the past tense.
During the initial stages of our breakup, it was clear that he thought he now had a chance because I have recently learned that he always had a thing for her.
Anyway, she has told me adamantly that there is no way in hell she would ever consider him - he is almost 50 yrs old. She is only 27. Hell people though the age gap between us was a bit off (11 years).
The problem is, although we are separated, we remain very close friends, and it is this friendship that he sees as the obstacle between her and him getting together. He doesn't like me hanging out with her, basically. She has told him that me and her will always be close no matter what, and he doesn't like it. He is convinced that they will be a couple.
I will never let this guy put a stop to our friendship. She is welcome round my place anytime just to hang out, and vice versa at her place. We both know where we stand with each other.
I can't see any way out of this without me and him coming to blows.

 

[BestWorstRacer]

Wow. That is intense.

Yes, don't let it happen.

However, you have to consider the possibility that they are doing something behind closed doors when you're not around. He said, she said crap doesn't work. Assume and brace for the worst.

 

[icelt]

Haven't read through the whole thread but getting the boot always sucks. No doubt about it. However for insights on how things might have progressed to the breaking point I do very much recommend the following read:
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

The title may make it sound a little pompous but the information/feedback the author provides is surprisingly straightforward and pretty practical. At least give the ToC a peruse and see how it resonates with ya.

Regardless good fortunes, as one who quite recently had to acknowledge that a great, great love interest was just never gonna to pan out... I quite literally feel your pain.

 

[boiltheocean]

Why hasn't she told the creepy old guy? Surely that would just clear everything up.

 

[Golfman]

Why hasn't she told the creepy old guy? Surely that would just clear everything up.

Thing is, before all this, this guy used to have a drink with us if we met him when we went out. He was a good laugh, someone fun to be around, good company. You know the type. We all used to get on really well.

She says she has told him to back off.

Anyway, another problem is that although her side of the family know about our situation, my side don't. And I'm too afraid to tell them. Because my mum, dad, and brother loved her to bits and treated her like the daughter-in-law I hoped she would be someday. She did a lot for her when she was staying with me at my parent's house. My mum has a lot of medical problems, and I'm afraid what this news might do to her.
I suppose if the rwo of us got together and went round to visit my mum and dad, broke the news gently, and showed that we are ok with it, that we are still very close friends, that might soften the blow. But this other guy has really put a spanner in the works

I am in a right old mess. I just want to go away to a corner of the world and bury my head in the sand

 

[Famine]

She is only 27. Hell people though the age gap between us was a bit off (11 years).

To be honest, I always had you down as a bit younger than 16.

 

[Neal]

^

 

[Golfman]

To be honest, I always had you down as a bit younger than 16.

I can only assume that was meant as a joke. But I can't laugh at it.
No offence, but they way I am feeling about the whole situation, that actually upset me a bit.

 

[Touring Mars]

Unfortunately, this is exactly the kind of complication that will always arise when you 'stay friends' with an ex - this is why a 'clean break' is often a better option, even though it is not always possible.

The truth is, there is very little you can do if your ex gets involved with someone who has something against you, and to be frank, it is quite understandable that he would - just as it is understandable that you would have something against him. I may be wrong, but I reckon that most guys who have gone out with a girl who was still friendly with their ex-boyfriend would probably have not been very supportive of that friendship, especially if the ex-boyfriend was disapproving of them. It is only natural for an interested party to expect the former partner to butt out.

In my opinion, if you are no longer romantically involved with someone, you don't have any business interfering with their future romances. You will simply have to trust her judgment and remember that your friendship needs to be able to accommodate new partners, otherwise your friendship will almost certainly not last. It is a hard truth to swallow, but it takes some courage to realise that you may be as much a part of the problem as the other guy.

 

[Sureboss]

It sounds to me a bit like you are trying to hold on to something you won't ever have again. Move on with your life and let her with hers. Staying friends just won't work when you still have feelings for her.

 

[ExigeEvan]

Unfortunately, this is exactly the kind of complication that will always arise when you 'stay friends' with an ex - this is why a 'clean break' is often a better option, even though it is not always possible.

The truth is, there is very little you can do if your ex gets involved with someone who has something against you, and to be frank, it is quite understandable that he would - just as it is understandable that you would have something against him. I may be wrong, but I reckon that most guys who have gone out with a girl who was still friendly with their ex-boyfriend would probably have not been very supportive of that friendship, especially if the ex-boyfriend was disapproving of them. It is only natural for an interested party to expect the former partner to butt out.

In my opinion, if you are no longer romantically involved with someone, you don't have any business interfering with their future romances. You will simply have to trust her judgment and remember that your friendship needs to be able to accommodate new partners, otherwise your friendship will almost certainly not last. It is a hard truth to swallow, but it takes some courage to realise that you may be as much a part of the problem as the other guy.

This man speaks the truth.

As someone who has as 100% record, 2 from 2, for staying friends with ex's, it's not the easy route.

 

[Diego440]

Breaking up is hard to do... but not impossible. The real reason she broke up with you is probably because she sees no future in her relationship. You're 38, still live with your parents and work at a grocery shop... there's nothing in that that could guarantee her not having to work her ass off to support a family and, sadly, women usually expect the guy to carery most of these burdens while they can be busy having kids and raising them. At least that's the way it usually goes.

My best advice to you would be to do something with your life instead of just hanging around and getting plastered every other weekend. It's amazing what a little incentive will do to fix up your life and later show her what she gave up, as opposed to you doing the same thing you did before you two broke up and proving time and again to herself why breaking up was the right choice.

The best example I can put forth is myself: I got divorced a year and a half ago, and until then I weighed 135 kilos, never really 'made it' in my career and was always broke. In the last 18 months I've joined a gym (right, a month and a half ago) and am jogging about 6 kms every day (I've never been able to jog), I'm down to 100 kilos (still about 15 more to go) and I'm doing a presentation next week at work for about 10 international clients. My ex sent me an email the other day, doing what I never thought she would: congratulating me.

 

[Stevisiov]

I can only re-iterate what others have said. If you are going to stay close friends, then you have to expect to deal with these kinds of things, and you are going to have to accept that at some point, she is going to move on, even if you haven't. You have to ask yourself, would you really find it easy to be normal friends with her if you find out she's dating someone?

Your best option is still to completely walk away. It's obviously easy to say from a detached view point, and I certainly don't envy your position, but you're clearly very worked up about this, and it’s not going to get any better over time, likely it’s going to get worse. Telling your parents is your next and perhaps most difficult step, but it’s a better option than simply lying to them and stringing them along. You don’t need her to help break it to your parents, you can do it yourself. The sooner you do it, the sooner that particular monkey is off your back.

 

[Golfman]

Breaking up is hard to do... but not impossible. The real reason she broke up with you is probably because she sees no future in her relationship. You're 38, still live with your parents and work at a grocery shop... there's nothing in that that could guarantee her not having to work her ass off to support a family and, sadly, women usually expect the guy to carery most of these burdens while they can be busy having kids and raising them. At least that's the way it usually goes.

My best advice to you would be to do something with your life instead of just hanging around and getting plastered every other weekend. It's amazing what a little incentive will do to fix up your life and later show her what she gave up, as opposed to you doing the same thing you did before you two broke up and proving time and again to herself why breaking up was the right choice.

The best example I can put forth is myself: I got divorced a year and a half ago, and until then I weighed 135 kilos, never really 'made it' in my career and was always broke. In the last 18 months I've joined a gym (right, a month and a half ago) and am jogging about 6 kms every day (I've never been able to jog), I'm down to 100 kilos (still about 15 more to go) and I'm doing a presentation next week at work for about 10 international clients. My ex sent me an email the other day, doing what I never thought she would: congratulating me.

Actually, if you had read my early posts, you would see that, after staying with me at my parents for a couple of years, we both moved into a place together. And that is when the problems started.
And it's not just a grocery shop we (both) work at. It is a long nightshift at a very successful supermarket chain.

 

[Sureboss]

You work together?

 

[mirial]

Best to be a bit cynical upfront next time to avoid any hurt.

This is no reflection on you, as most of us men are up against it if we're looking for someone desirable, but going by her age and the length of the relationship, looks like she eventually grew to know her options - the majority of women (except socialist women and some exceptions) are only out to get the best from whatever the market has to offer.

You should take stock of what you have, weigh up your own options, and if you've met someone special before, it'll surely happen again.