Depression and Anxiety Thread

[MatskiMonk]

Showing that you are clinically depressed is kind of admitting to total failure which makes me feel very ashamed - so in order to hide it I do not joke but simply wear a complete mask. I've been doing that fore more than a decade now and I've become so good at being someone else I'm sometimes not sure which ''me'' is more real.
In other words, it totally works.

I pretty much disagree with all of that (especially the parts in bold), but everyone has their own ways of coping, and if it works for you I am pleased.

 

[MoLiEG]

It's been about 3 months since I've started considering dropping some lines here. But today, I've finally decided I need help.

Long story short: Back in December (December 20, 2014, to be exact), my girl and I finally became a couple. For the last 5-6 years, we had ups and downs, good, bad and terrible moments, but finally, after many fails and many fights, she decided to give it a go with me.

And boy, all the wait was worth it. After 12 months, now engaged, I can say I've never been so happy in my life, and overall, we are very happy most of the time. She is happy, I am happy, and with some hard work, we'll be married at some point between 2017-2018. The problem, however, is that when things are wrong, they get incredibly ugly.

The point is, I fear she might have some depression issues and/or bipolar disorder.

Thing is, she can be ok for a few days, or weeks, and then suddenly sink in sadness/rage without any warning, get very sad and/or angry, complain about her life and her overall achievements, complain about our current impossibility of getting married/get a house/have a baby, complain about her allergy issues (which forced her to eliminate a lot of food she loved from her diet), tell me she doesn't feel loved, tell me she wants more love and comprehension, and then, all of the sudden, get happy again. And not only that, this very same mood-change pattern can happen in a single day!

I have to confess, I might be wrong, because as far as I know, the hormones in her body work completely different from the common woman because of the intradermal implant she has, but still, her modd swings are so violent I refuse to believe it's related to the implant.

She told me that a lot of people have told her that she should consider taking some treatment. On a normal situation, I would also recomend her to look for some help, but she takes so many pills to fight her allergy issues, and her stomach is in a very bad shape because of it (and other reasons), I fear it might make things worse.

The situation is delicate because in her violent tantrums, she is capable of taking poor decisions, like drinking (she can't because of her allergies, but she did it twice in the past month, with a bad outcome. She didn't get drunk, but her stomach suffered a lot), eating more than she can eat (especially cakes and chocolate. She can't eat them, too, she is allergic to casein) and smoking (She says she no longer smokes, but I think she still smokes a cigarette from time to time). She can become incredibly rude and mean, she sometimes talks to me and treat me like I'm some kind of stranger, or like I'm the one responsible of all her suffering.

So that's about it, I want to help her, but I don't know how.

Thanks for reading, and all you guys keep it up All my support to you!

@syntex123 I'm sorry for your loss bro. Have a virtual hug.

 

[SJC ALPHA]

Showing that you are clinically depressed is kind of admitting to total failure which makes me feel very ashamed - so in order to hide it I do not joke but simply wear a complete mask. I've been doing that fore more than a decade now and I've become so good at being someone else I'm sometimes not sure which ''me'' is more real.
In other words, it totally works.

This feels so familiar. When I was first told that I am severely depressed and suffering severe anxiety I could not relate to it, I asked the Doctor what was wrong as I didn't believe what he was telling me.
I saw a Councillor for a year and a half, and in that time it showed that I've been this way since a small child and that I have been a failure.
With the Councillor's advice I made a list of how I deal with things only to find that I haven't. For over forty years I've existed in a state of drift, not having friends and basically being anti-social has worked for me, just being what is expected.
It's very difficult to come to terms that where I thought I had control I never did, the front I put up was not for others but was me fighting me, so yes I am extremely ashamed, and to be honest I cannot deal with it.
Sorry for being negative, your post hit a cord with me.

 

[MatskiMonk]

It's been about 3 months since I've started considering dropping some lines here. But today, I've finally decided I need help.

Long story short: Back in December (December 20, 2014, to be exact), my girl and I finally became a couple. For the last 5-6 years, we had ups and downs, good, bad and terrible moments, but finally, after many fails and many fights, she decided to give it a go with me.

And boy, all the wait was worth it. After 12 months, now engaged, I can say I've never been so happy in my life, and overall, we are very happy most of the time. She is happy, I am happy, and with some hard work, we'll be married at some point between 2017-2018. The problem, however, is that when things are wrong, they get incredibly ugly.

The point is, I fear she might have some depression issues and/or bipolar disorder.

Thing is, she can be ok for a few days, or weeks, and then suddenly sink in sadness/rage without any warning, get very sad and/or angry, complain about her life and her overall achievements, complain about our current impossibility of getting married/get a house/have a baby, complain about her allergy issues (which forced her to eliminate a lot of food she loved from her diet), tell me she doesn't feel loved, tell me she wants more love and comprehension, and then, all of the sudden, get happy again. And not only that, this very same mood-change pattern can happen in a single day!

I have to confess, I might be wrong, because as far as I know, the hormones in her body work completely different from the common woman because of the intradermal implant she has, but still, her modd swings are so violent I refuse to believe it's related to the implant.

She told me that a lot of people have told her that she should consider taking some treatment. On a normal situation, I would also recomend her to look for some help, but she takes so many pills to fight her allergy issues, and her stomach is in a very bad shape because of it (and other reasons), I fear it might make things worse.

The situation is delicate because in her violent tantrums, she is capable of taking poor decisions, like drinking (she can't because of her allergies, but she did it twice in the past month, with a bad outcome. She didn't get drunk, but her stomach suffered a lot), eating more than she can eat (especially cakes and chocolate. She can't eat them, too, she is allergic to casein) and smoking (She says she no longer smokes, but I think she still smokes a cigarette from time to time). She can become incredibly rude and mean, she sometimes talks to me and treat me like I'm some kind of stranger, or like I'm the one responsible of all her suffering.

So that's about it, I want to help her, but I don't know how.

Sounds a lot like something a friend went through with his wife, I'd suggest investigating/asking the Doc whether any of her other meds have side effects relating to PMS and/or the implant. It might not be a case of giving her more pills to take, but changing one of the one she's already on, or perhaps removing one if possible. Just my 2 cents, but after 8-12 months of hell, that's what finally helped my friend and his wife.

 

[Com Fox]

Showing that you are clinically depressed is kind of admitting to total failure which makes me feel very ashamed - so in order to hide it I do not joke but simply wear a complete mask. I've been doing that fore more than a decade now and I've become so good at being someone else I'm sometimes not sure which ''me'' is more real.
In other words, it totally works.

I don't entirely agree with this. This sounds like you are losing your self-identity and you are afraid of yourself. Also, when friends and family find out about your depressed side that you are hiding from them, it'll worry them.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I don't entirely agree with this. This sounds like you are losing your self-identity and you are afraid of yourself. Also, when friends and family find out about your depressed side that you are hiding from them, it'll worry them.

There's a fine line between strong mental resolve and denial. Accepting it, and not letting it beat you is a good thing, hiding it and hoping nobody notices it's beating you is a bad thing.

I knew a girl who, it seems, hid her feelings behind a very effective mask... unfortunately her family never found out, and never had time to worry, or help... she stepped in front of a tube train in the first few hours of 2016. Hiding it works for Michael, it didn't work for her.

 

[Michael88]

I don't entirely agree with this. This sounds like you are losing your self-identity and you are afraid of yourself. Also, when friends and family find out about your depressed side that you are hiding from them, it'll worry them.

I'm not sure if I understand, most people behave and act differently when they're not alone, and most people hide things from other people - why is that a bad thing when its done with something like a depression? Showing my weaknesses and failures has never made me feel better, in fact it has always only caused further problems and drama, and people can use it against me. Things I really don't need in my life.
People also like me better when I'm not a depressed downer, nobody wants to spend time with such person, and that would surely worsen my situation.

Plus I know only I can help myself because I know myself and how I work, there is no reason for any outside influence / involving other people.

Besides that, I've been rigorously lifting weights for more than a decade now, its a very effective way of making me forget my problems and giving me goals, as tiny as they might be.

Oh, and I'm not afraid of myself, I just don't like myself. As I mentioned before, nobody wants to deal with a depressed downer, including myself.

 

[Com Fox]

I'm not sure if I understand, most people behave and act differently when they're not alone, and most people hide things from other people - why is that a bad thing when its done with something like a depression? Showing my weaknesses and failures has never made me feel better, in fact it has always only caused further problems and drama, and people can use it against me. Things I really don't need in my life.
People also like me better when I'm not a depressed downer, nobody wants to spend time with such person, and that would surely worsen my situation.

Plus I know only I can help myself because I know myself and how I work, there is no reason for any outside influence / involving other people.

Besides that, I've been rigorously lifting weights for more than a decade now, its a very effective way of making me forget my problems and giving me goals, as tiny as they might be.

Also I'm not afraid of myself, I just don't like myself. As I mentioned before, nobody wants to deal with a depressed downer, including myself.

It's the idea of hiding something that can be as dangerous as depression is rather concerning. This is from a past experience

I had a friend who hid is depression away from people sort of like in your situation, I think he did it ever since I met in Grade 3 (or even before that), no one had any idea of his problem until Grade 10 when he was on the urge of suicide. This led to massive chaos, we tried our best to help (I think you are being too worried about "hanging out with a downer" because I real friend would try to help you through your problem), I was literally scared to death that he might end his own life and so were others. Sadly I wasn't in the position to help anyone with depression issues at the time, but my other friends were able to keep him secure. Even with it over, it still left a rift towards our friendship because of trust issues, especially when his "second life" started peeling out more and more. I didn't know who he was anymore and I struggled to communicate with him, so our friendship ended, other friendships with him ended at the same time or afterwards.

I think you underestimating how much help from friends as well as trust in them can go a long way. Sure some won't be able to help you since they aren't used to friends dealing with depression (like I was originally) but someone more experience with these issues can really help, not to mention there is always professional help which is more helpful than you would think. The fact that you stated you "don't like myself" means that this current method maybe isn't working that good as it seems long term effects are still remaining despite what the positives are.

Though on the positive side; your career in Weightlifting is a good sign of dealing with issues.

 

[SJC ALPHA]

When I eventually had my breakdown I only had one friend who I hardly saw and family who rarely communicated, and yet it still took 2 years to tell my family, after I'd come out of Hospital from a suicide attempt.
The very thought of telling people the state you're in, by this time I'd lost my job, car, life's savings, had no cooker or furniture and close to losing my house, is admitting to my absolute failure in life.
People do not like being around depressed people, they'll always go to the one's having fun, sometimes it's just they do not recognise the symptoms of depression. On the other hand, in my case it is extremely hard to talk about anything in case I give something away that betrays I'm putting up a front or mask.
I never accept anyone saying they like me, I never have, I get many thoughts like they're up to something or someone has put them up to it, when you hate and detest yourself there is no way anyone else will, this makes me run away from help, I'm ashamed of my life past and present, ashamed of my failure to be a part of society, ashamed of the state my existance has found itself in at the moment.
I had a year and a half of Councilling which I paid for, and she told me many times how I would be getting worse with depression the more you go through things, examining my past, how I'd coped or rather not. The realisation is difficult to take, knowing how all the mental things I'd put in place to cope since a child, plus self harming, has just delayed things and not made me get on.
So even when you start to admit things I still avoid contact, the impact on others is just as bad. My parents, when I told them, went for a drive, sat on top of a hill and cried. Knowing this kind of impact keeps me from telling others, why would I want to upset others because of my abject failure, showing I cannot cope or look after myself, so I hide.
The trouble is when Doctors etc have said how I can get to be a part of society, it scares the hell out of me because I've never been in that place, the hell I exist in is all I know.

 

[MoLiEG]

Sounds a lot like something a friend went through with his wife, I'd suggest investigating/asking the Doc whether any of her other meds have side effects relating to PMS and/or the implant. It might not be a case of giving her more pills to take, but changing one of the one she's already on, or perhaps removing one if possible. Just my 2 cents, but after 8-12 months of hell, that's what finally helped my friend and his wife.

My girlfriend has officially gone berserk. She went to talk to a friend of hers yesterday, and she told her she has Somatization Disorder.

She is so mad right now, she is planning to leave her house, ASAP.

Oh, and she is treating me like crap, too.

And she gave me an ultimatum, too. That if some things did not change about myself, she will dump me in 2 months. She is mad about the way I gave her her engagement ring, and she says she is completely disappointed with me.

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

But yeah, this is the situation right now And it's not very promising.

 

[Aki Ko]

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

This sounds more of a relationship issue than a depressive issue unless this entire thing is triggering your depression.

Oh, and she is treating me like crap, too.

And she gave me an ultimatum, too. That if some things did not change about myself, she will dump me in 2 months. She is mad about the way I gave her her engagement ring, and she says she is completely disappointed with me.

Let her leave. Having high expectations in today's world is only gonna lead to massive disappointment and unwanted envy. I wouldn't bend over to her threats if I were you, especially when you're the one who is gonna have to put up with it the most.

 

[Com Fox]

My girlfriend has officially gone berserk. She went to talk to a friend of hers yesterday, and she told her she has Somatization Disorder.

She is so mad right now, she is planning to leave her house, ASAP.

Oh, and she is treating me like crap, too.

And she gave me an ultimatum, too. That if some things did not change about myself, she will dump me in 2 months. She is mad about the way I gave her her engagement ring, and she says she is completely disappointed with me.

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

But yeah, this is the situation right now And it's not very promising.

I always say, when dealing with an ultimatum, always go for the option that goes against the person making the ultimatum. If you choose to still be with her and change yourself, not only are you losing some of your self-identity but you are giving her the mindset power to control your life as she knows she can make you do things with ultimatums and she'll likely keep doing it with you which will just make you more miserable.

 

[MatskiMonk]

My girlfriend has officially gone berserk. She went to talk to a friend of hers yesterday, and she told her she has Somatizacion Disorder.

She is so mad right now, she is planning to leave her house, ASAP.

Oh, and she is treating me like crap, too.

And she gave me an ultimatum, too. That if some things did not change about myself, she will dump me in 2 months. She is mad about the way I gave her her engagement ring, and she says she is completely disappointed with me.

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

But yeah, this is the situation right now And it's not very promising.

You have my sympathies. Personally, I think it comes down to how far you are willing to forgive her. If she gets this worked up because she has legitimate psychological issues, and you love her, then it's reasonable to learn to forgive, and put up with the hard times for the sake of the good times. If it turns out she's just a manipulative witch, and this is simply her character, then she probably doesn't deserve much forgiveness. You know her better than we do.

 

[Johnnypenso]

My girlfriend has officially gone berserk. She went to talk to a friend of hers yesterday, and she told her she has Somatization Disorder.

She is so mad right now, she is planning to leave her house, ASAP.

Oh, and she is treating me like crap, too.

And she gave me an ultimatum, too. That if some things did not change about myself, she will dump me in 2 months. She is mad about the way I gave her her engagement ring, and she says she is completely disappointed with me.

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

But yeah, this is the situation right now And it's not very promising.

If I read this correctly she got a diagnosis for a mental disorder from her friend and she thinks it's legit? I think you can help her by encouraging her to see a healthcare professional to get a proper diagnosis. What are these things she wants to change in you?

 

[photonrider]

.................Snip................
So that's about it, I want to help her, but I don't know how.

MoLiEG, my dear, dear MoLiEG. . . . this (bolded) is at the heart of your problem.
Not to put aside the lovely advice from the others - it comes from obviously seasoned veterans at the relationship game.
But I'll offer another view:

Cast off all moorings. You are attached to toxic waste.

Open the door to someone else.
Change locations; maybe visit a churchyard instead of the singles strip - metaphorically speaking, that is.
The world is rife with energy vampires - but they only haunt a certain beat.

Sorry if that sounded harsh.

Big hugs, buddy, hate to see you being worn down.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I somewhat surprised by those advocating turning your back and walking away from someone that you care about that might potentially need your help, especially in this thread. Is that what people do these days?

 

[Bo]

I think I am in need of some serious help.

In the past 30 minutes or so, I've had some very deep suicidal thoughts. It's the first time this has happened in a while, but I feel like giving up. The last week has seen so many people close to me betray me, set me up and lie to me. I can't trust people anymore. I can't trust anyone. I'm struggling massively in school for the first time ever, I'm struggling to stay awake during the day, I'm stressed and paranoid 24/7. I'm on my final tethers for everything. I truly have no hope in life. I'm sick of giving my all to be the kindest person I can be, but get nothing in return.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I think I am in need of some serious help.

In the past 30 minutes or so, I've had some very deep suicidal thoughts. It's the first time this has happened in a while, but I feel like giving up. The last week has seen so many people close to me betray me, set me up and lie to me. I can't trust people anymore. I can't trust anyone. I'm struggling massively in school for the first time ever, I'm struggling to stay awake during the day, I'm stressed and paranoid 24/7. I'm on my final tethers for everything. I truly have no hope in life. I'm sick of giving my all to be the kindest person I can be, but get nothing in return.

You do have a hope in life, you just can't see it right now.

It's late, things are playing on your mind, whack some classic SuperGT on youtube and try and take you mind off things. Then in the morning, come up with a plan.

 

[Bo]

You do have a hope in life, you just can't see it right now.

It's late, things are playing on your mind, whack some classic SuperGT on youtube and try and take you mind off things. Then in the morning, come up with a plan.

Would do, but I'm racing tomorrow. I feel like my life is stuck on 110% and I just can't keep up. I need a break from life in general.

 

[MatskiMonk]

Would do, but I'm racing tomorrow. I feel like my life is stuck on 110% and I just can't keep up. I need a break from life in general.

Well, use your racing as a focus, and try to treat finding sometime for yourself as a goal or a reward, a break from things should be a positive thing, not a last resort. Just try and keep perspective on things, your life right now isn't your life in 6 months time, or two years time or 30 years time.

 

[Dan]

I think I am in need of some serious help.

In the past 30 minutes or so, I've had some very deep suicidal thoughts. It's the first time this has happened in a while, but I feel like giving up. The last week has seen so many people close to me betray me, set me up and lie to me. I can't trust people anymore. I can't trust anyone. I'm struggling massively in school for the first time ever, I'm struggling to stay awake during the day, I'm stressed and paranoid 24/7. I'm on my final tethers for everything. I truly have no hope in life. I'm sick of giving my all to be the kindest person I can be, but get nothing in return.

Please call your local suicide hotline. They have trained professionals to help you in situations like this. Most of us on GTP aren't professionals, so please talk to someone that will get you the help you need.

 

[photonrider]

I somewhat surprised by those advocating turning your back and walking away from someone that you care about that might potentially need your help, especially in this thread. Is that what people do these days?

It was a relationship issue, Matski, concerning someone with 'depression' (if we could term it that) issues, which is why even the person who had the relationship issues was not sure whether this was the perfect thread to come hunting for advice on how to deal with the situation:

................snip.......

I don't know what to do, how to help her. I don't even know if this is the correct thread to post

But yeah, this is the situation right now And it's not very promising.

The only advice possible - relationship-wise would not be the advice appropriate for the person who has the actual depression issues - for that we have to recommend MoLiEG listen to this advice:

Please call your local suicide hotline. They have trained professionals to help you in situations like this. Most of us on GTP aren't professionals, so please talk to someone that will get you the help you need.

 

[MoLiEG]

If I read this correctly she got a diagnosis for a mental disorder from her friend and she thinks it's legit? I think you can help her by encouraging her to see a healthcare professional to get a proper diagnosis. What are these things she wants to change in you?

Overall, she wants me to change just one thing:

She wants me to make another marriage proposal. Because she did not like what I did when I gave her her engament ring back in october.

She said she was veeeery disappointed with the way I gave it to her, she said it felt like just another dinner. Sure, it was just another dinner, with all the roses I gave her, in a nice hotel outside Mexico City, and with us all alone in the hotel's restaurant, with a great view of the hotel's garden... yeah, just another dinner.

She even says she is ashamed to talk about it when she is asked about it. Isn't that plain sick or what?

And she wants me to ve a more passionate lover, she wants to receive even more love and comprehension. It's not like I'm not all of that already, most people over her think I am just waaaaay too good with her, but apparently she doesn't feel that much love.

Cast off all moorings. You are attached to toxic waste.

Incredibly, that's what A LOT of people say. And I'm starting to believe you are all correct. Maybe I have issues too

This sounds more of a relationship issue than a depressive issue unless this entire thing is triggering your depression.

Let her leave. Having high expectations in today's world is only gonna lead to massive disappointment and unwanted envy. I wouldn't bend over to her threats if I were you, especially when you're the one who is gonna have to put up with it the most.

She is actually making me feel depressed, too. She is drowning me with her.

What she literally told me, is that she expected to have a fairy tale-type of life, with a perfect love and a perfect relationship. Go figure. I'm not going to say I'm the best bf ever, but I'm not a total failure either. I've given everything for this relationship to work.

I always say, when dealing with an ultimatum, always go for the option that goes against the person making the ultimatum. If you choose to still be with her and change yourself, not only are you losing some of your self-identity but you are giving her the mindset power to control your life as she knows she can make you do things with ultimatums and she'll likely keep doing it with you which will just make you more miserable.

I know. If I do it, I will lose even more than my identity, but my whole dignity. If I still have some of that of course.

You have my sympathies. Personally, I think it comes down to how far you are willing to forgive her. If she gets this worked up because she has legitimate psychological issues, and you love her, then it's reasonable to learn to forgive, and put up with the hard times for the sake of the good times. If it turns out she's just a manipulative witch, and this is simply her character, then she probably doesn't deserve much forgiveness. You know her better than we do.

Don't know how legitimate is a diagnosis made by a friend during dinner, but I think she completely bought that idea.

However, I know her better than you, of course. That's why, because of all the things I know (which I can't tell you because it's waaay too personal), I think there is a real disorder.

...

So that's about it. I believe she really has some mental issues, but on the other hand, she has to be 🤬 kidding me about all the things about the "ultimatum", the ring, the things she wants me to change and the expectations she has about our relationship

Thanks for your time and thoughts guys. In these dark days, you've been a great support

And hang in there @Bo, you can do it 👍 We want you to be at your best again. We will be here to support you. You can do it

 

[JohnBM01]

One thing I wanted to elaborate on was that it IS okay to express your weaknesses and ask for help in this context. If you let some things bottle up and stay in you (including discussing any sort of weaknesses), you're just hurting yourself more and more. So you are doing the right thing expressing your weakness(es). It makes you stronger to admit or express certain weaknesses. Even more so if you are able to find ways to overcome those weaknesses if possible. People DO care. I certainly am not going to laugh at or hate on somebody who has certain issues.

I've never been in any real relationship, so I can't help in regards to love and depression. Take advice from your fellow GTPlaneteers to help you deal in this situation.

 

[W3H5]

I'll play, why not. Nothing better than airing my dirty laundry in public, eh?

I'm not depressed. Yet. I experienced a rather traumatic experience a few days ago in the shape of a motorcycle accident and things have started to snowball. Metaphorical black clouds are looming and I have a growing sense of numbness that I usually encounter before depression hits.

I've made do through the last 2 years without incident because my wife has always stood by me and life has been happy (and the odd dose of Prozac) but because she's having to deal with the fallout of the crash it's getting to her and is causing her emotional distress which is then reflected back at me since I've been made out to be the villain in the whole deal.

I refuse to go and 'do a deal' at the police station since there are uncountable innocent foreigners in Thai prisons who were scammed into custodial sentences and if there's even the slightest chance I'll be held I won't take that risk.

Anyway, legal issues aside, I'm going back to live in England on Saturday for the first time in 7 years which has me anxious. Starting afresh and looking for a new line of work will be a challenge and I thought I was up to it but now with multiple physical injuries from the crash and my head in the wrong place I think I'll struggle to get off the ground.

I also won't see my wife for a few months until she flies to meet me in London and after this ordeal we're not seeing eye to eye and I don't want to leave on a bad note.

I thought getting it off my chest here would make me feel better but it hasn't, to be honest. Like I said, I'm not depressed yet but it's going to be a hard fight to keep my head above water. I feel very alone for the first time in years and my wife, who I love dearly, is sitting right next to me but feels so far away.

I'm hoping this will pass once. Hoping.

 

[Dan]

I'll play, why not. Nothing better than airing my dirty laundry in public, eh?

I'm not depressed. Yet. I experienced a rather traumatic experience a few days ago in the shape of a motorcycle accident and things have started to snowball. Metaphorical black clouds are looming and I have a growing sense of numbness that I usually encounter before depression hits.

I've made do through the last 2 years without incident because my wife has always stood by me and life has been happy (and the odd dose of Prozac) but because she's having to deal with the fallout of the crash it's getting to her and is causing her emotional distress which is then reflected back at me since I've been made out to be the villain in the whole deal.

I refuse to go and 'do a deal' at the police station since there are uncountable innocent foreigners in Thai prisons who were scammed into custodial sentences and if there's even the slightest chance I'll be held I won't take that risk.

Anyway, legal issues aside, I'm going back to live in England on Saturday for the first time in 7 years which has me anxious. Starting afresh and looking for a new line of work will be a challenge and I thought I was up to it but now with multiple physical injuries from the crash and my head in the wrong place I think I'll struggle to get off the ground.

I also won't see my wife for a few months until she flies to meet me in London and after this ordeal we're not seeing eye to eye and I don't want to leave on a bad note.

I thought getting it off my chest here would make me feel better but it hasn't, to be honest. Like I said, I'm not depressed yet but it's going to be a hard fight to keep my head above water. I feel very alone for the first time in years and my wife, who I love dearly, is sitting right next to me but feels so far away.

I'm hoping this will pass once. Hoping.

Glad you're alive. I can only wish you the best, hope for a speedy recovery, and for things to settle down between you and your wife.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I'll play, why not. Nothing better than airing my dirty laundry in public, eh?

I'm not depressed. Yet. I experienced a rather traumatic experience a few days ago in the shape of a motorcycle accident and things have started to snowball. Metaphorical black clouds are looming and I have a growing sense of numbness that I usually encounter before depression hits.

I've made do through the last 2 years without incident because my wife has always stood by me and life has been happy (and the odd dose of Prozac) but because she's having to deal with the fallout of the crash it's getting to her and is causing her emotional distress which is then reflected back at me since I've been made out to be the villain in the whole deal.

I refuse to go and 'do a deal' at the police station since there are uncountable innocent foreigners in Thai prisons who were scammed into custodial sentences and if there's even the slightest chance I'll be held I won't take that risk.

Anyway, legal issues aside, I'm going back to live in England on Saturday for the first time in 7 years which has me anxious. Starting afresh and looking for a new line of work will be a challenge and I thought I was up to it but now with multiple physical injuries from the crash and my head in the wrong place I think I'll struggle to get off the ground.

I also won't see my wife for a few months until she flies to meet me in London and after this ordeal we're not seeing eye to eye and I don't want to leave on a bad note.

I thought getting it off my chest here would make me feel better but it hasn't, to be honest. Like I said, I'm not depressed yet but it's going to be a hard fight to keep my head above water. I feel very alone for the first time in years and my wife, who I love dearly, is sitting right next to me but feels so far away.

I'm hoping this will pass once. Hoping.

Tough times, good luck.

It'll be of no consolation to you at all, but I feel England will be that little bit more interesting for having you back!

 

[G.T.Ace]

Sorry for being a bit selfish here, but I have to vent a bit and don't know where...

I'm not feeling good currently, being alone (in a relationship/sexual way) my entire life so far, thanks to my handicap and after exhausting pretty much every available method for me without success. Seeing how my friends' relationships and careers grow, while I have nothing in those regards and no idea how to change it and with my body giving me more trouble recently, I'm afraid I might fall back into a depressed state again. I was pretty stable thanks to my medication I guess, but I'm starting to feel more often like before I got my pills.

Can't see my therapist until at least the end of the year, since I've used up the from my insurance allowed dates with him about a year ago. Talking with other people usually doesn't help much either, because they can't really change the situation. Also, I'm blaming myself for not doing more with my life and the last bit of potential my body provides, but I'm a bit lost with what I should do.

 

[GTracer125]

Part 1: End of 2015
Well it's a new year so I might as well update you all on what is happening to me right now, anyways in early December, I started to go a program in the Hospital that apparently "helps" kids get back to their normal lives and whatnot and it's basically a school in a hospital with a gym and everything, anyways I started on a Friday and of course I didn't really pay much attention to what was going on in the background which was my first mistake, I went the Monday after but I caught the flu from my younger brother so I didn't go to the program for 3 days and that was my second mistake, I went to the ER and the ER told the program staff upstairs that I was ill so they wouldn't think I was "pretending", anyways I went to the program the day after, and then the monday on Christmas Week, I woke up late and I started to get ready until I saw my mother's annoyed but saddened face and that's when I heard "The cops are coming to our home to take you"... I dropped my toothbrush for a sec because that surprised me and I thought "Why would my parents do that, are you people idiots, why would you betray me like that". Anyways I continued my routine to hopefully get out of the house in time to get to the program and explain the situation to them but I was too slow and boom the cops were outside...

I was of course restrained because I was apparently "running away" when I clearly wasn't and put into an cop car and taken to a random hospital near me (Note: I go to a hospital in Manhattan and they took me to one in Brooklyn near my neighborhood) anyways I was in the ER in there from 11:00 am to 6:00 pm so I starved for a long time, luckily my aunt apparently also worked in this Hospital ER at 4:00 pm and brought me and my mom food and water(My mother was also with me the whole time btw). Anyways around 6:30 pm, I was told I was being "transferred" to my hospital in Manhattan which didn't really make sense to me, why take me somewhere else when you could have just taken me to my hospital in the first place. Anyways I was taken into an ambulance to my hospital because apparently I was transferred for "depression" which was complete utter 🤬 because at the time I was feeling fine, and anyways I was taken to this place hidden behind the hospital called C-PEP, which is a "Emergency Room" for mental patients and I was put there and basically abandoned for a day, I was by myself in this white room with one bed with a very big table and chair, closed closets and the window was covered with this metal barrier on both sides so you couldn't even see outside. Anyways some random doctors came to see me and this specific doctor asked me all this personal questions which of course I had no choice but to question her "Why ask me all this", and she responded "Oh I am just the observer here, nothing you need to worry about" and she comes back later in the story but I will refer to her as Dr.G. Anyways the next morning, both my parents came to see me and of course put the same "worried act" that they always do ...

They told me the situation and apparently this was all a mistake made by the doctor's (Yeah a mistake my 🤬🤬) and I was going home later in the day, of course the hospital food tasted like something from the garbage and looked like it might have been poisoned so I didn't eat until my parents brought me food, anyways after that I went home and it seemed like that was the end of it all... it wasn't

The next day, I went to the program with my mother all pissed off and angry because I knew for sure, It had to be someone in here who made my parents call 911, anyways I sign in and my "therapist" (Who I will refer to as Miss.B) came towards us and to me she said "Oh I didn't expect you to be here" and I looked at her like "What the hell do you mean by that, You expected me to still be in that prison downstairs huh," and I responded with "What do you mean? I was stuck downstairs for the last two days, and of course I have to come here anyways". Anyways she starts saying some 🤬🤬 about how I have to come to the hospital during Christmas Break and whatnot and I was like "Oh hell no, I am not coming here after the mess you made me go through yesterday" and I responded with "You expect me to trust you after the stunt you guys pulled on me yesterday" and she responded with "Oh you want to go back downstairs again" and she said this in front of my mother no less so I said "Fine, Fine I will go then if you guys can piss off" (Note: I said piss off under my breath so she couldn't hear me) and the day went by and then Christmas rolled by and my Christmas wasn't really fun, I had an arguement with my parents about a certain subject in which my father said something that pissed me off "You should have stayed in that damn hospital you mistake of a child" and I slammed my door in front of his face and I didn't go to the Christmas Party that we were invited to, they of course went with my younger brother and I stayed home by myself, I then went outside to walk by the East River and it was one of the most lonely walks I have ever taken in my life, since it was dark already and there wasn't a single person in the streets at the time. I of course went to this abandoned warehouse where you can see the whole of Manhattan and I sat there looking on my phone on FB watching everyone else enjoy the holidays and I was there... sitting near a wall overlooking the east river in the cold. I decided to (Which I regret) contacting some people who I got into fights with back then and apologize for everything I have done to them and of course just started more fights between me and them... and I just shut off my phone and started to cry... how pathetic I am honestly.

Anyways I go back home at 12:30 pm so I didn't have to deal with cops asking me why is a 16 year old boy walking alone near the river on Christmas and I get home and just went to sleep without opening any gifts and that's it. The next day, I got a PS4 so yeah... apparently that was a apology from my father for saying that to me and I got a sweater, three long sleeves, new shoes, a book, and a watch, and I didn't feel happy but I accepted them because I didn't want them to take it away. I thought everything was fine but boy was I wrong.

Anyways this is Part 1 for now. I might post later the rest but I needed to tell someone this... I honestly don't want to be alone anymore... I just want someone to be there... to help me get through this once and for all...

 

[jus1029]

Wow. That was a turn of event I've never expected.