- 173
- Brooklyn, New York City
- matanui08
Depression and Anxiety Thread
- Thread starter JohnBM01
- 2,254 comments
- 162,511 views
- 173
- Brooklyn, New York City
- matanui08
I use to feel like I was the only one with depression related problems.
A couple of years ago, I told my story on GTP and got a lot of support. Turned out that by telling my story, I found out that I was definitely not the only one. I use to feel like a screw up, a failure and that I was the only one in the world with severe clinical depression, phobia, anxities, psychoses, daily nervous breakdowns, while everybody else was perfect and had a very nice life. It was the clinical depressions with the daily nervous breakdowns that were the worst. The clinical depression days without my daily nervous breakdowns were not that bad. A nervous breakdown makes a severe depression much, much worse. Believe, I know!
Anyway, I wonder what causes all these psychological problems? I'm not talking about messed up brain chemistry, because that is indeed the problem. I mean, is it a typical Western society (Western civilization) problem that causes these brain chemistry problems?
Is our way of life to be blamed? Air pollution, stress, radiation, food pollution, using toxic stuff in our houses without even knowing it?
There are of course people with genetic mutations that causes these psychological problems but not everybody is suffering from these genetic problems.
A couple of years ago, I told my story on GTP and got a lot of support. Turned out that by telling my story, I found out that I was definitely not the only one. I use to feel like a screw up, a failure and that I was the only one in the world with severe clinical depression, phobia, anxities, psychoses, daily nervous breakdowns, while everybody else was perfect and had a very nice life. It was the clinical depressions with the daily nervous breakdowns that were the worst. The clinical depression days without my daily nervous breakdowns were not that bad. A nervous breakdown makes a severe depression much, much worse. Believe, I know!
Anyway, I wonder what causes all these psychological problems? I'm not talking about messed up brain chemistry, because that is indeed the problem. I mean, is it a typical Western society (Western civilization) problem that causes these brain chemistry problems?
Is our way of life to be blamed? Air pollution, stress, radiation, food pollution, using toxic stuff in our houses without even knowing it?
There are of course people with genetic mutations that causes these psychological problems but not everybody is suffering from these genetic problems.
- 5,215
- Nicest part of hell
Its the unnatural way of life we have nowadays. I'm sure it is in my case.
I sit in front of a computer screen pressing buttons 10 hours / day that sucks the last bit sense of purpose out of me instead of being in the woods chasing game and setting traps.
Instead of hanging out with a tightly knit group of people who depend on me and I depend on I'm surrounded by strangers I neither like nor need. There is nothing that makes people stick together like the immedate danger of getting mauled by sabretooth tigers, starving in the next winter or getting killed by an enemy tribe. Life nowadays is barren, it lacks feeling of adventure, real danger, purpose, responsibility, company, positive stress, creativity.
The absence of all this things is for sure taking its toll on us humans, whether we know it or not, I'm actually certain most depression are caused by the modern way of life which is....too modern.
Just look at the success rate of making depressed poeple visit new exciting places, countries, or taking them out camping in the the wilderness. It immediately helps in most cases.
- 7,436
- Canada
- photonrider
We're here. Someone is always here. Professional help can be a minefield, but while you must seek and work with good professional help, it will also help to know that, even if it is merely a virtual world - blowing snow in the wind - the snowmen in here are real - and are ready to listen to you.
Just hold on and TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Eventually, as you get older (and stronger both physically and mentally) the world will be just that little bit easier to handle.
As this rambunctious rapscallion above says - yes, just writing it out here will make one feel better, and there will always be someone to give attention to a spirit in need.
None of us are without issues. In listening or reading, we are healed ourselves, too.
- 173
- Brooklyn, New York City
- matanui08
Well this is Part 2 of my very traumatic and disgraceful end of the year and I know no one isn't really going to notice this but I need to get all of this off my chest, anyways here we go...
Anyways the Saturday after Christmas Day, I was woken up by my father at 8:30 am because apparently I had a "therapy appointment" at this office in the hospital near the C-PEP place, (I was so 🤬 to not realize it was a trap for me) and anyways me and my dad go and we spend there like an hour because someone else was being "forcibly" admitted into the C-PEP "Prison" and honestly, this whole situation was complete utter 🤬🤬 but anyways I will continue. I was waiting there and I noticed the police officer was looking at me the whole time, I pretended to not notice but the way he stare gave me the chills, but I didn't really care, all I wanted was to get out of there and go home but sadly that wasn't the case. I talked to these two "doctors" specifically, one was an old lady and the other was some nerdy looking one with glasses and of course they ask me the same 🤬 questions every other doctor asks me. I answered them all and blah blah blah, they then question my father twice about I don't know what and then they come back to me and say "Can we take a blood test real quick" and that was my second warning in my mind that something was off. I asked myself "Why the hell do you people need my blood for?" but anyways I 🤬 said "Okay?
" and went with them to this room which apparently was connected to the C-PEP place, and they take my blood and then tell me "Okay now we will take you to C-PEP" and I was like... "ARE YOU 🤬 KIDDING ME, WHY THE HELL WOULD I GO BACK THERE, THERE'S NO BLOODY REASON I NEED TO GO BACK INTO THAT PLACE" and I responded with "Umm are you joking? Why do I need to go back there huh? You have no right to put me back there" and we both started arguing and then the glasses 🤬 told me "You can either go in there peacefully or we can get someone else in here to put you there". I got really pissed off to the point where I literally wanted to kill them, my bloodlust came back and I was about to get the syringe near me and stab them all with it, but I didn't want to risk it so I clenched my fist as hard as I could and said "Fine I will go to that 🤬 place you pieces of human 🤬" and I said that in front of their faces because I honestly didn't care.
Ironically I was in the same room as last time and I started to hit everything around me, I hit the wall, I hit the closets and I threw everything all over the place, I hit the metal barrier windows and I literally bended it and the light from the outside actually became a little visible. I started to cry and started to whine about the same old 🤬🤬 because I was tired and upset of it all, "Why does it always happen to me, Why can't I escape this bloody hell, Why does everything have to crush me over and over" and I kept on hitting the wall over and over. My tears hit the floor over and over, it was literally like rain. Anyways the old 🤬 came to my room and asked "Are you okay, do you need anything?" and I looked at her with a death stare and said "Does it look like I am 🤬 okay you piece of 🤬" and then she closed the door, and I just sat there... crying for like half an hour... It is pretty pathetic for me do that but it was my anger and sadness just all coming out. I honestly have no hope at anymore...
Anyways my father came to see me in that place and he explained the situation, I was apparently being held there for 36 hours for examination and whatnot and that on Monday I will released again. I honestly wanted to punch my father in the face for letting this all happen and not doing a damn thing to stop it but at the time, I honestly couldn't care anymore... I fell into a depression in there and my mind started to collapse, I started to remember things I didn't want to remember and my thoughts were breaking over and over, My memory was starting to muddle and I wasn't feeling like me anymore... Every day and night I was in there, I saw no light and my eyes were faded and blurry, I couldn't eat because I couldn't taste anything and the hospital food made me nauseous, I honestly lost all hope in my life and fell into a hole which I still am in today.
Anyways on Monday morning, I was visited by my physical doctor and I told her everything that has happened, honestly she looked like she could care less and just said "Well maybe you should stay in the hospital more so you can recover" and honestly I felt like snapping because I wanted to get out... I wanted to go "home" and continue my life... but then again I don't even have one anymore... Then my parent's came and said that they will get me out and whatnot and "Things will get better" which was just a lie because things always get worse for me. Anyways guess who came back to see me, Dr. G and she of course questioned me the same bull:censored: as before and said "We have a new plan for you Bryan, and this will help". At first I didn't understand but then I realized... they were putting me into the 21 floor which is where the ill-minded and crazies were. I also found out she was the damn director of this 🤬 place and she controlled who leaves and who stays. Anyways I talked to my parents later and they told me the things I didn't want to hear "You will have to stay in the hospital for now". After I heard them say that, I went off and started to yell at them and tell them everything I wanted to say for years "ARE YOU 🤬 KIDDING ME, WHY DID YOU LET THEM DECIDE THIS, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS HURT ME HUH, YOU ALWAYS WISHED THAT I DIDN'T EXIST HUH, I WAS JUST A WASTE OF TIME, I HATE BOTH OF YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD, MY MIND HAS NO MEMORIES OF ANYTHING ANYMORE, I BEEN ALONE ALL MY LIFE WITH NOTHING, I HAVE NOTHING OF MEANING OR PURPOSE, I NEVER DESERVED TO EXIST, I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYWHERE TO CALL HOME ANYMORE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT EVEN HUMAN ANYMORE, MY HUMANITY HAS BEEN INVALID THIS WHOLE TIME, I HAVE NOTHING, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO ONE TO REALLY CALL FAMILY, I BEEN ALONE ALL THESE YEARS AND YET YOU TELL ME THAT I GOT NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT'S IT'S LIKE TO BE TOLD THAT NO ONE LOVES YOU OR EVEN CARES FOR YOU, I HAVE NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME, I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME NOW.
I then went back into my room and just started to cry... I honestly lost all hope and my mind just broke into pieces...I really am pathetic huh...
Anyways apparently this guy I never seen before came to me at like 3:00 pm and talked to me, He was the director of the program I was going to and the piece of 🤬 that decided the stay at the hospital. He told me the reason I was staying in here was because "I was too skinny and I lost a lot of weight". I looked at him with a angry and confused face. I told me in his face "What type of 🤬 excuse are you telling me, are you 🤬 retarded sir, do you even understand what 🤬 you 🤬 just put me through, of course I will get physically weaker you :censored
f a doctor" and we both started arguing about human rights and how this violated the law and whatnot and of course that stuff didn't even go through his dumb head and he left the room saying "You will be there as long as I permit it, you understand me" and I responded with, "You all can piss off and die". Honestly I was the one who wanted to die at this point but I couldn't... What little morals I had left, I held on as hard as I could, But I honestly have nothing left to hold on to now.
Anyways around 6:00 pm, I went to use the bathroom next to my room because I was holding it in due to all the 🤬 talking to me and as soon as I sit down to use the bathroom, some random nurse comes knocking the door like crazy and telling me to hurry up when I clearly just entered the bathroom like five seconds ago and then two nurses come and try knocking and opening the door and whatnot and I am like, what the hell is wrong with you people and I yell at them telling them to shut up and wait. Then like a 1 min after they try opening the door again and telling me to hurry up and I was like "Are you 🤬 kidding me, let me use the bathroom in peace for God's sake". Anyways I didn't even get to finish and I noticed that I was bleeding after using the bathroom but honestly I couldn't even try to see what was wrong because they were annoying the 🤬 out of me. I get out and tell them "What the hell is your problem, I was using the damn restroom" and one of the nurse comes fast-talking saying "Oh you were taking too long in the bathroom" and I was like "Are you 🤬" so I said "I only took 7 minutes" and she responded with "No you took 30" and I was like "Can you not tell time you 🤬🤬" and anyways after that, they put me in a wheelchair and told me to hold my stuff when clearly I had no strength at the time but I just said "You hold it, I don't even have any energy right now" so I just sat there waiting for the end of me to come. I honestly gave up hope after this. But life was just going to be even worse.
Anyways this is Part 2 for now, Part 3 will be the final and Part 4 will be what's happening to me now. I am sorry for posting a lot but I really need to tell someone, at least some will know the truth of me, what's really going on.
Anyways the Saturday after Christmas Day, I was woken up by my father at 8:30 am because apparently I had a "therapy appointment" at this office in the hospital near the C-PEP place, (I was so 🤬 to not realize it was a trap for me) and anyways me and my dad go and we spend there like an hour because someone else was being "forcibly" admitted into the C-PEP "Prison" and honestly, this whole situation was complete utter 🤬🤬 but anyways I will continue. I was waiting there and I noticed the police officer was looking at me the whole time, I pretended to not notice but the way he stare gave me the chills, but I didn't really care, all I wanted was to get out of there and go home but sadly that wasn't the case. I talked to these two "doctors" specifically, one was an old lady and the other was some nerdy looking one with glasses and of course they ask me the same 🤬 questions every other doctor asks me. I answered them all and blah blah blah, they then question my father twice about I don't know what and then they come back to me and say "Can we take a blood test real quick" and that was my second warning in my mind that something was off. I asked myself "Why the hell do you people need my blood for?" but anyways I 🤬 said "Okay?
" and went with them to this room which apparently was connected to the C-PEP place, and they take my blood and then tell me "Okay now we will take you to C-PEP" and I was like... "ARE YOU 🤬 KIDDING ME, WHY THE HELL WOULD I GO BACK THERE, THERE'S NO BLOODY REASON I NEED TO GO BACK INTO THAT PLACE" and I responded with "Umm are you joking? Why do I need to go back there huh? You have no right to put me back there" and we both started arguing and then the glasses 🤬 told me "You can either go in there peacefully or we can get someone else in here to put you there". I got really pissed off to the point where I literally wanted to kill them, my bloodlust came back and I was about to get the syringe near me and stab them all with it, but I didn't want to risk it so I clenched my fist as hard as I could and said "Fine I will go to that 🤬 place you pieces of human 🤬" and I said that in front of their faces because I honestly didn't care.Ironically I was in the same room as last time and I started to hit everything around me, I hit the wall, I hit the closets and I threw everything all over the place, I hit the metal barrier windows and I literally bended it and the light from the outside actually became a little visible. I started to cry and started to whine about the same old 🤬🤬 because I was tired and upset of it all, "Why does it always happen to me, Why can't I escape this bloody hell, Why does everything have to crush me over and over" and I kept on hitting the wall over and over. My tears hit the floor over and over, it was literally like rain. Anyways the old 🤬 came to my room and asked "Are you okay, do you need anything?" and I looked at her with a death stare and said "Does it look like I am 🤬 okay you piece of 🤬" and then she closed the door, and I just sat there... crying for like half an hour... It is pretty pathetic for me do that but it was my anger and sadness just all coming out. I honestly have no hope at anymore...
Anyways my father came to see me in that place and he explained the situation, I was apparently being held there for 36 hours for examination and whatnot and that on Monday I will released again. I honestly wanted to punch my father in the face for letting this all happen and not doing a damn thing to stop it but at the time, I honestly couldn't care anymore... I fell into a depression in there and my mind started to collapse, I started to remember things I didn't want to remember and my thoughts were breaking over and over, My memory was starting to muddle and I wasn't feeling like me anymore... Every day and night I was in there, I saw no light and my eyes were faded and blurry, I couldn't eat because I couldn't taste anything and the hospital food made me nauseous, I honestly lost all hope in my life and fell into a hole which I still am in today.
Anyways on Monday morning, I was visited by my physical doctor and I told her everything that has happened, honestly she looked like she could care less and just said "Well maybe you should stay in the hospital more so you can recover" and honestly I felt like snapping because I wanted to get out... I wanted to go "home" and continue my life... but then again I don't even have one anymore... Then my parent's came and said that they will get me out and whatnot and "Things will get better" which was just a lie because things always get worse for me. Anyways guess who came back to see me, Dr. G and she of course questioned me the same bull:censored: as before and said "We have a new plan for you Bryan, and this will help". At first I didn't understand but then I realized... they were putting me into the 21 floor which is where the ill-minded and crazies were. I also found out she was the damn director of this 🤬 place and she controlled who leaves and who stays. Anyways I talked to my parents later and they told me the things I didn't want to hear "You will have to stay in the hospital for now". After I heard them say that, I went off and started to yell at them and tell them everything I wanted to say for years "ARE YOU 🤬 KIDDING ME, WHY DID YOU LET THEM DECIDE THIS, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS HURT ME HUH, YOU ALWAYS WISHED THAT I DIDN'T EXIST HUH, I WAS JUST A WASTE OF TIME, I HATE BOTH OF YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD, MY MIND HAS NO MEMORIES OF ANYTHING ANYMORE, I BEEN ALONE ALL MY LIFE WITH NOTHING, I HAVE NOTHING OF MEANING OR PURPOSE, I NEVER DESERVED TO EXIST, I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYWHERE TO CALL HOME ANYMORE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT EVEN HUMAN ANYMORE, MY HUMANITY HAS BEEN INVALID THIS WHOLE TIME, I HAVE NOTHING, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO ONE TO REALLY CALL FAMILY, I BEEN ALONE ALL THESE YEARS AND YET YOU TELL ME THAT I GOT NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT'S IT'S LIKE TO BE TOLD THAT NO ONE LOVES YOU OR EVEN CARES FOR YOU, I HAVE NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME, I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME NOW.
I then went back into my room and just started to cry... I honestly lost all hope and my mind just broke into pieces...I really am pathetic huh...
Anyways apparently this guy I never seen before came to me at like 3:00 pm and talked to me, He was the director of the program I was going to and the piece of 🤬 that decided the stay at the hospital. He told me the reason I was staying in here was because "I was too skinny and I lost a lot of weight". I looked at him with a angry and confused face. I told me in his face "What type of 🤬 excuse are you telling me, are you 🤬 retarded sir, do you even understand what 🤬 you 🤬 just put me through, of course I will get physically weaker you :censored
f a doctor" and we both started arguing about human rights and how this violated the law and whatnot and of course that stuff didn't even go through his dumb head and he left the room saying "You will be there as long as I permit it, you understand me" and I responded with, "You all can piss off and die". Honestly I was the one who wanted to die at this point but I couldn't... What little morals I had left, I held on as hard as I could, But I honestly have nothing left to hold on to now.Anyways around 6:00 pm, I went to use the bathroom next to my room because I was holding it in due to all the 🤬 talking to me and as soon as I sit down to use the bathroom, some random nurse comes knocking the door like crazy and telling me to hurry up when I clearly just entered the bathroom like five seconds ago and then two nurses come and try knocking and opening the door and whatnot and I am like, what the hell is wrong with you people and I yell at them telling them to shut up and wait. Then like a 1 min after they try opening the door again and telling me to hurry up and I was like "Are you 🤬 kidding me, let me use the bathroom in peace for God's sake". Anyways I didn't even get to finish and I noticed that I was bleeding after using the bathroom but honestly I couldn't even try to see what was wrong because they were annoying the 🤬 out of me. I get out and tell them "What the hell is your problem, I was using the damn restroom" and one of the nurse comes fast-talking saying "Oh you were taking too long in the bathroom" and I was like "Are you 🤬" so I said "I only took 7 minutes" and she responded with "No you took 30" and I was like "Can you not tell time you 🤬🤬" and anyways after that, they put me in a wheelchair and told me to hold my stuff when clearly I had no strength at the time but I just said "You hold it, I don't even have any energy right now" so I just sat there waiting for the end of me to come. I honestly gave up hope after this. But life was just going to be even worse.
Anyways this is Part 2 for now, Part 3 will be the final and Part 4 will be what's happening to me now. I am sorry for posting a lot but I really need to tell someone, at least some will know the truth of me, what's really going on.
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- 26,911
- Houston, Texas, USA
- JMarine25
The most important thing in all of this is that you are telling your side rather than have everything get bottled up and ripping you apart inside. Your material may be (as Internet lingo goes) "TL;DR," but at least you're telling your side with people who feel you trust to help make things better for you. Man... Part 3 and Part 4? Take it easy and be well.
- 1,472
- Florida, USA
- Formidable_LG
- Formidable77
Wow man. There was no reason you had to go through any of this. I mean I'm clinically depressed, but I've never heard of anything like this at all.
Just want to say stay strong man. All of us here are willing to help and support in any way 👍
Just want to say stay strong man. All of us here are willing to help and support in any way 👍
Scientist say that lead and mercury can mess up the brain chemistry. Lead can block neurotransmitter receptors in the post synaps of a neuron.
It is a fact that manufacturers use lead to solder parts to the motherboard, graphics card etc... of a computer. It is a fact that some computers can create a lot of heat while gaming. I don't know if it is a fact that this heat creates fumes (lead) that you inhale. I don't know if these fumes are enough to build up enough lead in your system to cause brain, neuron problems causing psychological problems.
rambunctious rapscallion: is this an insult or is this something positive because I can't tell.
It is a fact that manufacturers use lead to solder parts to the motherboard, graphics card etc... of a computer. It is a fact that some computers can create a lot of heat while gaming. I don't know if it is a fact that this heat creates fumes (lead) that you inhale. I don't know if these fumes are enough to build up enough lead in your system to cause brain, neuron problems causing psychological problems.
Indeed! The power of talking and getting it all out of you system and having somebody that listens is really underestimated.
rambunctious rapscallion: is this an insult or is this something positive because I can't tell.
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- 12,893
- Divided States of America
- MikuHime80
@GTracer125 What you went through right there is ridiculous. My heart goes out to you bud.
- 505
- England
- sjc-alpha
@GTracer125 You've done incredibly well with what has been thrown your way, stay true to yourself you're strong enough. Wish I could be more help, I'd give a hug anytime, feel free to call me a friend, don't be alone.
- 173
- Brooklyn, New York City
- matanui08
Well this is Part 3 and 4, well maybe just Part 3 if it gets too long, I would like to thank all of you who read my... well I guess "Life Story" but it's not even a slither of what my life has been like for the past 16 years since I was born. The truth of what really happens inside the psychological wards in my hospital. Anyways here we go, also just to let you guys know, I went into the hospital twice, the 1st time was on Dec 21st and I was originally discharged on Dec 22nd, then after Christmas Day, On Dec 26th I was forcibly re-admitted into the Hospital and then on the 28th, I was "transferred" to the mental ward of the hospital, to what they refer to as the "Unit" and there are 3 of them in total.
After being sent on an elevator at the back end of the hospital, I slowly started to pass out, my skin was pale and my eyes lost their color, My breath was slow and I started to hate the taste of my own tongue, My head was giving me an unbearable pain and I felt like I was dying, but I couldn't do anything about it. I arrived on the 21st floor and it was all empty, the hallways were colored in yellow and white and there was no one around except for a police officer that was siting next to the elevator, I felt like I was fading away and then there was a blocked doorway with a security passcode system next to it, The nurse put in her code and the doors started to open, I first noticed the dim red lighting and there was many security alarms and cameras around. There were other kids just walking around and they were some screaming, some arguing with the doctors, some just not even noticing anything and there was one kid just going back and forth tapping on the walls, I thought to myself in my weakened state, "Well this is gonna be fun... not".
I was taken in this other hallway and they let me off the wheelchair but I couldn't even walk so I asked for a cane (Yeah a 16 year old actually asking for one), they of course didn't provide me with one and just took my vitals and everything. I was basically asked the same questions as always, "Why did you come here? Do you want to kill yourself? Do you cut? Do you do drugs? blah blah blah and honestly I couldn't even care less anymore but I still was honest. After that I was given a "tour"of the ward and it's basically one hallway, a dinner room, two group rooms, a closet and 8 patient rooms with 2 beds in each. I was by myself in one room and whoever was in here before me, left a huge mess because it was super dirty and whatnot so I just went to lay down on one of the beds next to the window. The window was of course chained with a metal barrier but you can actually see the outside, and seeing the skyline just made me even more depressed. The beds had a plastic pillow and a compressed mattress so that was fun. The bathroom was okay except the shower was a never-ending hot rainstorm and you couldn't regulate it since it was just a button. I basically just passed out and then woke up at 7:00 pm because my parents came to visit me and they brought me food. My parents were telling me that they were gonna get me out of here and all I had to do is cooperate. I was holding my anger the whole time and just said "okay"... after that I went to bed and fell asleep.
The next day, I met with the "Doctor" team and I basically explained the whole situation and how it was all a bunch of 🤬 to why I was there. Luckily they actually understood me and helped me get out of the hospital in the end. Anyways after the meeting I was introduced to the other kids and honestly they were "okay" except for a few. Well most of them were drug addicts and suicidal or whatnot and I didn't really pay attention because I was out of focus the whole time. I got along with most of them though, even though my mind was broken at the time, I still had a sliver of sanity in me. The days went by so slow and the food of course was complete and utter garbage. I ate most of it though... because the morning and at lunchtime I had to be stuck with it. Someday's it was morphed mashed potatoes and other's I don't even know. Honestly remembering now makes me nauseous.
Minutes became into hours and hours into days. Talking about the same thing over and over and telling them what I felt being there, it sickens me to think anyone would have to go through this, apparently to "feel better" and now the only difference is that I have a little more control over my mind and sanity. It felt like time was passing me by and everything I look out the window and wonder what I missed all these years and why I am in this point of my life. I had a fake smile to hide the saddened truth behind me of what I did two years before just made it worse. I was alone in this world, that's all I knew. I was alone for the last decade or so and I believed that all of this is just a nightmare in a coma that I thought I was in, too bad it wasn't huh, honestly being in a coma was better than this. The day staff were okay people to be honest, they actually maintained the sanity in the place but the night time staff just pissed me the 🤬 off. They would just lock us all up if any of us did something wrong and they would take away anything that helps us relax. I hated it and they don't even let us sleep properly because they would always turn on some dumb bright light. I hated that place and everything that to do with it. Anyways I of course spend New Years there so that was fantastic, people were arguing with the doctors and nurses and one girl got syringed by crisis management, so yeah Dec 31st was pretty 🤬 except I stayed up to see the ball down even though I couldn't really see it, the fireworks were enough for me. After two weeks in hell, I got discharged by Jan 7th, due to the effort of my parents and me, forcing Dr. H (Read Part 2 to see who he is) and Miss B (Same Part) to let me go. They noticed I "progressed" so they let me go at 3:00 pm. Dr. H talked to me in private first and I of course "rekt" me with my words. He just said in the end "I expect you to be in the program everyday" and he still annoys me with pointless tasks to this day so yeah he is a nuisance.
In the end, I got home... and it's happy to be back I guess. I wanted to explain more about this but just remembering... make my head hurt and it still gives me nightmares and chills but I mostly told you everything. This is end of my "Hospital Stay" and I would like everyone for reading, and all the support I have, it's the reason I still live nowadays so yeah, life lesson I guess. Thank you again and I am happy to be a member of this website, till then keep on surviving guys
,
The end...?
Part 4: I am here...
After being sent on an elevator at the back end of the hospital, I slowly started to pass out, my skin was pale and my eyes lost their color, My breath was slow and I started to hate the taste of my own tongue, My head was giving me an unbearable pain and I felt like I was dying, but I couldn't do anything about it. I arrived on the 21st floor and it was all empty, the hallways were colored in yellow and white and there was no one around except for a police officer that was siting next to the elevator, I felt like I was fading away and then there was a blocked doorway with a security passcode system next to it, The nurse put in her code and the doors started to open, I first noticed the dim red lighting and there was many security alarms and cameras around. There were other kids just walking around and they were some screaming, some arguing with the doctors, some just not even noticing anything and there was one kid just going back and forth tapping on the walls, I thought to myself in my weakened state, "Well this is gonna be fun... not".
I was taken in this other hallway and they let me off the wheelchair but I couldn't even walk so I asked for a cane (Yeah a 16 year old actually asking for one), they of course didn't provide me with one and just took my vitals and everything. I was basically asked the same questions as always, "Why did you come here? Do you want to kill yourself? Do you cut? Do you do drugs? blah blah blah and honestly I couldn't even care less anymore but I still was honest. After that I was given a "tour"of the ward and it's basically one hallway, a dinner room, two group rooms, a closet and 8 patient rooms with 2 beds in each. I was by myself in one room and whoever was in here before me, left a huge mess because it was super dirty and whatnot so I just went to lay down on one of the beds next to the window. The window was of course chained with a metal barrier but you can actually see the outside, and seeing the skyline just made me even more depressed. The beds had a plastic pillow and a compressed mattress so that was fun. The bathroom was okay except the shower was a never-ending hot rainstorm and you couldn't regulate it since it was just a button. I basically just passed out and then woke up at 7:00 pm because my parents came to visit me and they brought me food. My parents were telling me that they were gonna get me out of here and all I had to do is cooperate. I was holding my anger the whole time and just said "okay"... after that I went to bed and fell asleep.
The next day, I met with the "Doctor" team and I basically explained the whole situation and how it was all a bunch of 🤬 to why I was there. Luckily they actually understood me and helped me get out of the hospital in the end. Anyways after the meeting I was introduced to the other kids and honestly they were "okay" except for a few. Well most of them were drug addicts and suicidal or whatnot and I didn't really pay attention because I was out of focus the whole time. I got along with most of them though, even though my mind was broken at the time, I still had a sliver of sanity in me. The days went by so slow and the food of course was complete and utter garbage. I ate most of it though... because the morning and at lunchtime I had to be stuck with it. Someday's it was morphed mashed potatoes and other's I don't even know. Honestly remembering now makes me nauseous.
Minutes became into hours and hours into days. Talking about the same thing over and over and telling them what I felt being there, it sickens me to think anyone would have to go through this, apparently to "feel better" and now the only difference is that I have a little more control over my mind and sanity. It felt like time was passing me by and everything I look out the window and wonder what I missed all these years and why I am in this point of my life. I had a fake smile to hide the saddened truth behind me of what I did two years before just made it worse. I was alone in this world, that's all I knew. I was alone for the last decade or so and I believed that all of this is just a nightmare in a coma that I thought I was in, too bad it wasn't huh, honestly being in a coma was better than this. The day staff were okay people to be honest, they actually maintained the sanity in the place but the night time staff just pissed me the 🤬 off. They would just lock us all up if any of us did something wrong and they would take away anything that helps us relax. I hated it and they don't even let us sleep properly because they would always turn on some dumb bright light. I hated that place and everything that to do with it. Anyways I of course spend New Years there so that was fantastic, people were arguing with the doctors and nurses and one girl got syringed by crisis management, so yeah Dec 31st was pretty 🤬 except I stayed up to see the ball down even though I couldn't really see it, the fireworks were enough for me. After two weeks in hell, I got discharged by Jan 7th, due to the effort of my parents and me, forcing Dr. H (Read Part 2 to see who he is) and Miss B (Same Part) to let me go. They noticed I "progressed" so they let me go at 3:00 pm. Dr. H talked to me in private first and I of course "rekt" me with my words. He just said in the end "I expect you to be in the program everyday" and he still annoys me with pointless tasks to this day so yeah he is a nuisance.
In the end, I got home... and it's happy to be back I guess. I wanted to explain more about this but just remembering... make my head hurt and it still gives me nightmares and chills but I mostly told you everything. This is end of my "Hospital Stay" and I would like everyone for reading, and all the support I have, it's the reason I still live nowadays so yeah, life lesson I guess. Thank you again and I am happy to be a member of this website, till then keep on surviving guys
,The end...?
Part 4: I am here...
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- 1,472
- Florida, USA
- Formidable_LG
- Formidable77
Hey man, glad everything is okay now. Thanks for telling your story. It has influenced me and most likely the others who have read from part 1. I hope things get better for you throughout 2016, and just know that we're here if you need anything 👍
- 505
- England
- sjc-alpha
@GTracer125 Good to see things improving, you've done extremely well, hope this year gets better for you, if you get down don't hesitate to write things down, it helps.
- 11,189
- Central Coast, NSW
- Com_Fox5
- EelX 5
Man, it really does sound like a fictional story, can't believe it happens.
What I find worrying, is that I feel like more people suffer from depression than people who don't. I don't but I know a tonne of people who are suffering from depression and I'm not sure if the numbers increase or decrease.
What I find worrying, is that I feel like more people suffer from depression than people who don't. I don't but I know a tonne of people who are suffering from depression and I'm not sure if the numbers increase or decrease.
It is still confusing me too.I like this part better because it has a happy ending.
(or so I though)
Anyways, I'm glad you're back to normal.
What still itches me though is...WHY WERE YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
- 2,938
- Shrewsbury
- pezzarinho17
Hi all, new to this thread of the forums. Firstly, I'm glad things have worked out currently for you @GTracer125, things sounded really dark for a time.
I've been debating writing anything for the last week or so because it isn't something I fully understand yet. I wonder if I even deserve to talk about what I am feeling as depression, but I want to know what I am facing, or even just discuss it. On the face of it, my life situation is pretty good right now. It's been better, but there is no one thing I wish would go away, or change completely. I have been married for a year and a half, I have a decent job and I don't have unusual debts beyond a credit card I'm still paying off from when I changed jobs 2 years ago. I always thought things would need to be really bad before depression, or the early telltales of it, started. In the past I have had bad thoughts and feelings like I do now, who doesn't? Everyone has a bad day, and sometimes the bad feeling is worse than the situation that got you there, or it lingers far longer than normal. It was never there for more than 12 hours or so though, and then there was suddenly this moment like clouds had lifted or something where it felt stupid to even talk about a depression so short and insignificant.
I've been going through something though since the gap between Christmas and New Year. Again, Christmas itself was good and no reason to be feeling down, but my mood just dropped around the 27th December (is the earliest I can remember feeling like I do now). We have a second christmas around that time (wife's parents are divorced) and we were due to drive south to spend New Years with our friends. I wanted nothing more than to be alone though, I both hated and questioned myself for that but it was a feeling with no reasoning.
We ended up not going back for New Years eve, instead going to my sister in laws. I was convinced our friends from where we were from originally wouldn't care whether I saw them or not. We met some of my sister in laws friends instead, but still I wanted to be alone. I don't think I hid it very well from those new people... My wife and I drove home New Years day, had a huge argument and really kick started 2016 with the worst I have felt ever. I wanted to be alone, and my wife had given me the window to that as we didn't talk for a day. I sat upstairs on my laptop almost all day for the last Saturday before work started again on the Monday.
Skipping forward to now, my wife and I are "ok" but inside I feel hurt by things said in that argument. I don't know whether they were said to hurt in the heat of the argument or if they were truths, but the reality is the same. I feel like the smallest mistakes lead to the biggest and stupidest arguments, so I am constantly in wait for the next. I get uneasy about doing the things I enjoy (like making liveries, or watching my TV shows) until she has gone to bed and don't think that is healthy.
Work hasn't changed in that timeframe either, but it is just feeling worse now. Everything I attempt to do either frustrates me or angers me more than it used to, and again it seems like silly things we should have been getting right for sometime now. I was made a manager over a year ago, but all I have taken on is the extra roles and responsibilities (whatever they are - no job description still) and A LOT of pressure. Inside I feel like shouting at people and instead I prioritise the wrong things to try to settle my mood and do the bits of work I enjoy. Our in-competencies remain though and will need tackling at some stage...
Can someone explain whether these kinds of things are normal? The desire to be alone, the "everything is rubbish" thoughts when actually they aren't? Your brain making things up, like friends forgetting about you or wife not loving you? I know they are not true really, but they sit at the top and won't go away... I just don't want to feel worse, but similarly I don't want to make any changes to what is actually a decent situation. I just can't seem to experience it in that way...
I think that a year ago, I would have tried desperately to shrug this feeling off and lie to myself about the feelings I have. The news about Robin Williams though really changed my understanding of depression though. Someone can appear from the outside to be full of humour and happiness, can be fighting something very dark on the inside...
I've been debating writing anything for the last week or so because it isn't something I fully understand yet. I wonder if I even deserve to talk about what I am feeling as depression, but I want to know what I am facing, or even just discuss it. On the face of it, my life situation is pretty good right now. It's been better, but there is no one thing I wish would go away, or change completely. I have been married for a year and a half, I have a decent job and I don't have unusual debts beyond a credit card I'm still paying off from when I changed jobs 2 years ago. I always thought things would need to be really bad before depression, or the early telltales of it, started. In the past I have had bad thoughts and feelings like I do now, who doesn't? Everyone has a bad day, and sometimes the bad feeling is worse than the situation that got you there, or it lingers far longer than normal. It was never there for more than 12 hours or so though, and then there was suddenly this moment like clouds had lifted or something where it felt stupid to even talk about a depression so short and insignificant.
I've been going through something though since the gap between Christmas and New Year. Again, Christmas itself was good and no reason to be feeling down, but my mood just dropped around the 27th December (is the earliest I can remember feeling like I do now). We have a second christmas around that time (wife's parents are divorced) and we were due to drive south to spend New Years with our friends. I wanted nothing more than to be alone though, I both hated and questioned myself for that but it was a feeling with no reasoning.
We ended up not going back for New Years eve, instead going to my sister in laws. I was convinced our friends from where we were from originally wouldn't care whether I saw them or not. We met some of my sister in laws friends instead, but still I wanted to be alone. I don't think I hid it very well from those new people... My wife and I drove home New Years day, had a huge argument and really kick started 2016 with the worst I have felt ever. I wanted to be alone, and my wife had given me the window to that as we didn't talk for a day. I sat upstairs on my laptop almost all day for the last Saturday before work started again on the Monday.
Skipping forward to now, my wife and I are "ok" but inside I feel hurt by things said in that argument. I don't know whether they were said to hurt in the heat of the argument or if they were truths, but the reality is the same. I feel like the smallest mistakes lead to the biggest and stupidest arguments, so I am constantly in wait for the next. I get uneasy about doing the things I enjoy (like making liveries, or watching my TV shows) until she has gone to bed and don't think that is healthy.
Work hasn't changed in that timeframe either, but it is just feeling worse now. Everything I attempt to do either frustrates me or angers me more than it used to, and again it seems like silly things we should have been getting right for sometime now. I was made a manager over a year ago, but all I have taken on is the extra roles and responsibilities (whatever they are - no job description still) and A LOT of pressure. Inside I feel like shouting at people and instead I prioritise the wrong things to try to settle my mood and do the bits of work I enjoy. Our in-competencies remain though and will need tackling at some stage...
Can someone explain whether these kinds of things are normal? The desire to be alone, the "everything is rubbish" thoughts when actually they aren't? Your brain making things up, like friends forgetting about you or wife not loving you? I know they are not true really, but they sit at the top and won't go away... I just don't want to feel worse, but similarly I don't want to make any changes to what is actually a decent situation. I just can't seem to experience it in that way...
I think that a year ago, I would have tried desperately to shrug this feeling off and lie to myself about the feelings I have. The news about Robin Williams though really changed my understanding of depression though. Someone can appear from the outside to be full of humour and happiness, can be fighting something very dark on the inside...
- 5,215
- Nicest part of hell
No, lead has a melting point of about 400 Celsius or 670 K. if your motherboard gets this hot your computer is toast.
I'd rather worry about all the aluminum we ingest, aluminum is highly cancerous and in the food industry a whole lot of stuff is made of this metal. Even the cans.
As for my depression, its that time of the year again where I switch from an utterly depressed and lethargic downer into a hyper active energetic moron who suffers from insomnia.
I can't tell which state is more annoying, these ups and downs are very exhausting.
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It's been a couple of weeks since my last post. I logged in again today to say that relapsed in a depression again (since friday). It is awful that I have to through it again. Every morning waking up with severe anxiety attacks and depressions. Being Depressed is not the nicest feeling in the world. I haven't eating much the last couple of day. It is just impossible to eat unless I force the food in my mouuth but the depression makes this almost impossible
If only it was possible for geneticist to find the correct defective gene and repair it or remove it, so I'd not have to go through these depressions/anxiety attacts again.
Morbid thoughts is what is on my mind a lot these last few days.
I just read an article that lower levels of the protein p11 in the nucleeus accumbens (part of the brain) could be the reason for depressions.
If only it was possible for geneticist to find the correct defective gene and repair it or remove it, so I'd not have to go through these depressions/anxiety attacts again.
Morbid thoughts is what is on my mind a lot these last few days.
I just read an article that lower levels of the protein p11 in the nucleeus accumbens (part of the brain) could be the reason for depressions.
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- 30,042
- Thailand
Have you tried mild exercise or any kind of medication? I can't remember if you said you'd been medicated in the past.
How about trying to achieve something wild, like ride a bicycle 50km to a place you've never been, have a snack there and then ride back again. It might take a whole day at a steady pace but it'll make you feel better to get the exercise and it's hard to feel down after accomplishing something new and challenging.
- 5,215
- Nicest part of hell
I don't know, the world itself is pretty darn awful, if you're not walking around with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears its pretty damn hard NOT to find a ton of legit reasons to get depressed. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say if you are not depressed you're either living in your own personal bubble or you are lying to yourself.
I don't think my depression is caused by genetics or its the way my brain is built, I'm a reasonable human being that is merely a reflection of its surroundings.
I think in most cases depression is simply caused by not being able to lie to yourself any longer / or turning your ''filter'' off, thats why its so hard to treat.
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- 11,189
- Central Coast, NSW
- Com_Fox5
- EelX 5
I disagree and agree on some points.
For someone who doesn't suffer depression or gets depressed, I am very aware of what goes on in this world, I care for people's personal feelings and are concerned for when my friends are down. However I'm a rather happy person who is enjoying life, I don't know how and why but I usually go with a smile on my face.
I think comes from the idea of society itself, there are those who fit in well, those who try to fit in and those who pretty much gave up. Due to way of Society's expectations, people can be mentally forced to do things they don't want to do just to fit in with others, or lie and hide their real selves just so they can get social approval, this especially comes in relationships as I observed a lot of males and females stripping down what they once were just to be with their partners and it can tear them apart. Sadly, it is really the only real way around too, you have to lie to get jobs, you have to mask yourself so people don't think you're a freak, you have to strip down what made you and was comforting to you so people can appreciate you. You have to sacrifice things you love for people. I know I'm not a Psychiatrist so this can be massivey wrong but from an observation point of view the people who seem to get depressed are really passionate on what others think of them. I think the reason why I don't feel depressed is because I honestly gave up on what Society expects from me along time ago. I still keep contacts with my friends and family and will talk to people but I'm not concerned about looking like a dork, an 🤬 or a scrub to the people of society. I will get saddened it is an inexcapable emotion but most of it concerns with what I think of myself or if I'm scared about what might happen to me, it is rather egotistical but I honestly feel much happier with my life, I still care for others but it isn't to get any sort of approval but in the way of if they are down, I want to help them etc.
Just my 2 cents.
- 5,215
- Nicest part of hell
@RESHIRAM5
Speaking for myself, I really don't care much about what other people think of me, I don't care much about other people in general.
Socially I do the bare minimum to get by with my daily normal life and my job, but thats the max I want to deal with other people. Every time I mingle or go out to a club I regret it.
For me society nowadays has gone so far astray in every possible way its no longer worth to be part of the masses or to value their opinions and judgments, I rather stay true to myself and my beliefs in solitude. This does not make me happy fella -hence why I'm posting in this thread - but other options are strictly worse.
I could go on with a massive rant about why's and how's and about all thats going so wrong nowadays, but that would neither be an interesting read nor would it change anything.-
Speaking for myself, I really don't care much about what other people think of me, I don't care much about other people in general.
Socially I do the bare minimum to get by with my daily normal life and my job, but thats the max I want to deal with other people. Every time I mingle or go out to a club I regret it.
For me society nowadays has gone so far astray in every possible way its no longer worth to be part of the masses or to value their opinions and judgments, I rather stay true to myself and my beliefs in solitude. This does not make me happy fella -hence why I'm posting in this thread - but other options are strictly worse.
I could go on with a massive rant about why's and how's and about all thats going so wrong nowadays, but that would neither be an interesting read nor would it change anything.-
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- 11,189
- Central Coast, NSW
- Com_Fox5
- EelX 5
Just observing your comment, but it kinda sounds like you might be a bit scared about hanging out with others, though I'd need to know more.
I actually would be interested in reading it, though for being helpful, I can't guarantee but I think it would be better to release it so it doesn't buikd up inside you.
I actually would be interested in reading it, though for being helpful, I can't guarantee but I think it would be better to release it so it doesn't buikd up inside you.
- 30,042
- Thailand
This is one of the ways I've avoided the onset of depressive periods. Training myself to see the world through rose-tinted glasses has helped me massively.
Lying to ourselves doesn't work because deep down we all know the truth about our reality and denying it only further confuses the issue.
Being able to see a silver lining and have a 'whatever' mentality can be an invaluable asset to somebody who gets depressed.
