Funny/Strange News Stories

[Famine]

Policeman too busy playing with himself to catch burglar - caught on video.

(SFW - and misleading )

 

[dhandeh]

Policeman too busy playing with himself to catch burglar - caught on video.

(SFW - and misleading )

Good to see our Police are some of the finest in the world.

*facepalm*

 

[Pupik]

Tub of lard found fit to eat after 64 years

Germany found our leftovers...

Millions of tins of “Swift’s Bland Lard” – a pig fat which was used as a spread similar to butter or as a cooking fat – were distributed by US soldiers to West Germans after World War II in care packages that included other essentials like powdered milk, cheese and sugar.

Some of those made their way to communist East Germany, including one to Hans Feldmeier, a pharmacist from the Baltic Sea town of Warnemünde who never opened the can.

Worried that the lard had passed its expiration date, the 87-year-old recently decided to turn it over to the state for a comprehensive inspection.

The response was surprisingly positive.

“Overall, the product has a degree of freshness and material composition necessary to be assessed to be satisfactory after 64 years,” according to the State Office for Agricultural, Fisheries and Food Security.

The authorities did, however, find minor deficiencies in the lard’s smell and taste, discovering that it was slightly gritty and appeared old, meaning it could not compete with the quality of a fresh sample. Still, it appeared to be fit for human consumption, they said.

The office credited the air-tight US can and preservatives for maintaining the lard in such pristine condition over the years.

Feldmeier promptly asked for his tin of lard back, calling it “beautiful” and saying he couldn't imagine parting with it.

So the authorities sent it back to him – empty.

 

[prisonermonkeys]

How to win Grammys using only the power of Satan:

Skrillex Uses Satanic and Homosexual Influence to Win Grammys

Skrillex, a Gothic icon and Lesbian fashionista whose name is Latin for “Homosexual Satan Wasp”, is the biggest act in Dubstep today — a music genre founded on consuming massive amounts of drugs and having raucous pre-marital sex with numerous partners — and his winnings at the 2012 Grammys prove that his satanic presence will be felt for years to come. As long as Skrillex wins Grammys and is accepted by mainstream media, he will claim souls for Satan and molest our children through his perverse philosophy of futuristic devil machine music.

Skrillex is the inventor of “dubstep” whose sole purpose is to provide a “drop” — common youth terminology for procuring and snorting drugs. In addition, the rhythm patterns he employs in his “music” are known to cause seizures to certain people, which provides ample opportunity for other concert-goers to rape said afflicted person(s).

Skrillex, a known emosexual, was born Sonny Moore. He rose to fame with the satanic Rock ‘n roll band “From First To Last” (a band name that celebrates falling from God’s grace) and soon parlayed that success into something much more blasphemous; something that incorporates elements of Warhol-era rampant homosexuality and perversion, electronic “music” and lesbian-influenced haircuts. It is rumored that 1 in 3 women are raped at a Skrillex concert and forced to abort their children soon after.

Over 100% of homosexual gays listen to, or have listened to Skrillex in their life — mostly while participating in door-to-door recruitment for sex orgies or attempting to molest children in one of the patented “Rape Vans” used by the gay homo community.

In addition, Skrillex has launched a grotesque fashion trend, where upon weak-minded woman destroy their hallowed vessels of child birthing by SHAVING the side of their head — the same thing responsible for the downfall of Samson is being ENCOURAGED by this gnome-ish pervert. Skrillex will stop at nothing to get every teen in America hooked on dubstep and “ecstasy” (a potent street drug responsible for terrorism).

As a proud parent of four, healthy, able-bodied children, I urge all fellow parents to think thrice before allowing their own children to attend a dubstep show. These shows are full of unemployed “Occupiers” who seek to rape and maim your children and family life. Skrillex fans are MORE likely to rob a gas station and set a retirement home on fire than 1000% of Christians.

Please join with me in boycotting dubstep and this evil, satanic harbinger of deceit.

I particularly like the image and accompanying caption:

(Skrillex, shown here drinking “ecstasy”, in particular the potent “X3″ version)

Especially how, when you look at the URL for the image, the "potent X3 ecstacy" is actually iced coffee ...

See also the about the author section:

I have been praying for the gentle hand of God to eradicate all evil Muslim, Black Gangmember, and Homosexuals from Earth. With prayer, we can solve the drug problem and convince all Mexicans to return to the volcano from which they emerged! 1st Lieutenant --God's Army. Prayer Warrior.

 

[Tesla]

Obviously satire, but still brilliant

 

[BobK]

That site's out of the same mold as The Onion, though.

 

[daan]

FOOTBALL star Aaron Ramsey was being bizarrely linked to Whitney Houston's death by fans last night after a series of odd coincidences.

Every time the Arsenal midfielder scores, a famous figure dies. Whitney was the fourth in under a year.

Her body was found hours after Ramsey, 21, netted during the Premier League game against Sunderland on Saturday.

Arsenal player Aaron Ramsey killed Whitney

 

[Dennisch]

I failed blowing up a plane, so giving me a life sentence is too harsh.

 

[Omnis]

Wouldn't you know it, they're goons in real life too!

 

[Pupik]

I failed blowing up a plane, so giving me a life sentence is too harsh.

I think one count of attempted aggravated assault per passenger and crew member is fair enough, then. Plus the 5 years per item of contraband. That's 299 years, so he can get out at the age of 324.

Thanks to him, I've lost about 8 hours of my life due to even longer security lines.

Wouldn't you know it, they're goons in real life too!

Can they go back in time and give him another two years?

 

[DK]

I failed blowing up a plane, so giving me a life sentence is too harsh.

Kinda reminds me of Sideshow Bob complaining about his sentence for attempted murder.

 

[ROAD_DOGG33J]

http://news.yahoo.com/gps-tracking-...ive-straight-pacific-172043575--abc-news.html

Three Japanese tourists in Australia, misled by their GPS device.

Three Japanese tourists in Australia found themselves in an embarrassing situation after their GPS navigation system lured them down the wrong path.

The three, who are students from Tokyo, set out to drive to North Stradbroke Island on the Australian coast Thursday morning, and mapped out their path on their GPS system.

The road looked clear, at low tide - but the map forgot to show the 9 miles of water and mud between the island and the mainland.

As the three drove their rented Hyundai Getz into Moreton Bay, they found the GPS device guiding them from a gravel road into thick mud. They tried to get back to solid ground, but as the tide rose they were forced to abandon their car. Passengers on passing ferries watched in amazement.

"It told us we could drive down there," Yuzu Noda, 21, told the local Bayside Bulletin. "It kept saying it would navigate us to a road. We got stuck . . . there's lots of mud."

Noda and her friends made it about 50 yards offshore before they realized they were stranded. A tow truck driver eventually gave them a lift back to the mainland. The students decided not to have the car repaired because of the damage. The car was insured, though Noda will still have to pay about $1,500 that was not covered.

The students will fly back home to Tokyo this weekend, but they said they plan to try a trip to the island again some time in the future.

"We want to come back to Australia again," Noda told the Times. "Everyone is very nice, even today."

 

[Zenith]

It's both hilarious and infuriating that the article is trying to spin the blame onto the GPS.

 

[Wiegert]

Messi accused of sending secret signals to Syrian rebels using his dribbling skills.

 

[Barra333]

Rock band finds yet another reason to postpone a show

 

[ROAD_DOGG33J]

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2012/04/13/state/n053953D89.DTL&tsp=1

Weightlifter shot when he drops dumbbell on bullet
(04-13) 05:39 PDT Modesto, Calif. (AP) --

A California weightlifter says he accidentally shot himself by dropping a dumbbell on a bullet.

The man was wounded in the shoulder.

He told Modesto police officers he was lifting dumbbells in his home Wednesday night when he dropped one on a .22 caliber bullet. The man's name hasn't been released.

Modesto police investigators say the man's story is suspicious, but not impossible.

Officer Chris Adams tells the Modesto Bee ( http://bit.ly/HOfb79) that impact on the rim of the bullet could have caused it to shoot.

Officers did not find a gun but did find the shell casing.

Neighbors did not see anyone leaving the man's home.

 

[Zenith]

Heh, it is a rimfire cartridge, sounds possible.

Hopefully the small round will have minimal nerve and tissue damage. An irresponsible mistake to leave live ammo around, but one that hopefully leaves nothing but a lesson.

 

[tomhart9]

'Pilot fatigue' caused Air Canada jet dive

Fatigue led a pilot to send a passenger plane into a dive over the North Atlantic, injuring 16 people last year, Canadian authorities say.

The drama began when the co-pilot of the Air Canada flight from Toronto to Zurich woke up and wrongly believed the plane was on a collision course.

He mistook the planet Venus for another plane. Passengers without their seat belts on were thrown from their seats

 

[Pupik]

Now we need to create a mission to Venus, to install a blinking red light to a tower, so that never happens again.

I've saved the space program.

 

[sumbrownkid]

I hate it whenever the pilot of the plane I'm flying on mistakes another celestial body for an aircraft, and then proceeds to take evasive action.

 

[The Bman]

I made a whole thread out of this one: http://now.msn.com/now/0418-burgerwhopper-plus.aspx

 

[terminator363]

Made me hungry beyond belief.

 

[The Bman]

Made me hungry beyond belief.

It puts Epic Meal Time to shame.

 

[GT_Jwolf]

http://gawker.com/5904379/canadian-...ing-morning-news-program-blames-crossed-lines

Heard this story yesterday on the radio.

 

[Famine]

Scottish lorry driver fined £1,375 and given 9 points on his licence after falling asleep at the wheel and crashing...

... into a sign advising "Tiredness can kill - take a break".

 

[Callum B]

Am I possibly allowed to bring Russell Howard's Good News? In my mind the strangest and funniest news story's I've come across.

 

[Lizard]

I will try to find a link but a local head teacher is being done for fraud as he used school money to buy himself.





Sex toys.
(Luckily not a sexual abuser as far as I know though)

 

[PeterJB]

Standard school teacher you got there. A few of mine had affairs with students, my former tutor married a student, and one of the P.E. teachers punched another teacher who was also his wife in front of students.

 

[Lizard]

Nah it wasnt your classic pedo teacher it was buying odd things using schools money.

 

[PeterJB]

Sounds more like the government.