- 1,326
- SC
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
- 724,611 views
- 1,282
- Kidlington
- GC255
W3HSTry - He's not a pheasant plucker, he's a pheasant plucker's son.
Say that without spilling your manors.
Add to that he's only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes.
- 11,639
- Intercourse, PA
- Carbonox
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
- 3,475
- Vilnius
Old but gold 
Though very unrealistic. Priests rarely prefer girls over boys...
Though very unrealistic. Priests rarely prefer girls over boys...
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
Vladimir Putin decides to see how Russian people live. He disguises himself as a mere citizen and comes to a grocery store. He asks a seller:
- How much does the meat cost?
- 400 roubles ($13) for 1 KG.
- Why so expensive?
- Because our president is an asshole.
Next day, Putin comes to the same store as he is, in suit and with security.
- How much does the meat cost?
- 400 roubles / 1 KG.
- Why so expensive?
- I've told you yesterday, :censored:hole!
- How much does the meat cost?
- 400 roubles ($13) for 1 KG.
- Why so expensive?
- Because our president is an asshole.
Next day, Putin comes to the same store as he is, in suit and with security.
- How much does the meat cost?
- 400 roubles / 1 KG.
- Why so expensive?
- I've told you yesterday, :censored:hole!
Last edited by a moderator:
- 9,884
- Carthage, TN
- race_emhard
- 29,353
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he's made love to a young lady from the village. The priest asks, 'Who was the young lady?' and the guy replies 'I'm not telling you, I just wanted to confess my sins...'. The priest says, 'I can't give you absolution unless you tell me who it was - was it Mary from No. 21?', to which the guy replies, 'I'm not telling you, I just wanted to confess!'. The priest replies, 'Look, I can't absolve you unless you tell me who it was - was it Margaret from No. 35?', and the guy replies 'Look, I'm not telling you, I just want to confess!'. The priest says, 'But I can't absolve you unless you tell me who else was involved in your sin! - was it Shiela from No. 62??', and the guy replies, 'Well, I can't tell you, I just needed to confess!' and with that he leaves the confession booth. Outside, he meets his friend who has been waiting patiently and his mate asks, 'So, did you get absolution?', and guy replies, 'No, but I got three bloody good tips for Saturday night!'
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A couple are in a supermarket and the guy picks up a 12-pack of lager... his wife immediately says, 'What are you doing?! We're not buying those!' and so he puts them back. A while later they are in the beauty aisle and the woman picks up some skin lotion... the guy says 'What are you doing? That stuff is £20 a jar!'... his wife replies, 'This is my skin cream - and it makes me look beautiful!'... the guy replies, 'So does 12 cans of lager!'
-
A couple of friends are playing golf, and just as they are about to tee off, one of the guys sees a funeral cortege passing the course in the distance. He pauses for a moment, removes his hat, looks down and crosses himself before saying a quick prayer, and then takes his shot. His friend says 'I saw what you did there, and I must say, that was very respectful, well played Sir!'... the guy replies, 'Ach well, it's the least I could do, she'd been a good wife to me.'
--
-
A couple are in a supermarket and the guy picks up a 12-pack of lager... his wife immediately says, 'What are you doing?! We're not buying those!' and so he puts them back. A while later they are in the beauty aisle and the woman picks up some skin lotion... the guy says 'What are you doing? That stuff is £20 a jar!'... his wife replies, 'This is my skin cream - and it makes me look beautiful!'... the guy replies, 'So does 12 cans of lager!'
-
A couple of friends are playing golf, and just as they are about to tee off, one of the guys sees a funeral cortege passing the course in the distance. He pauses for a moment, removes his hat, looks down and crosses himself before saying a quick prayer, and then takes his shot. His friend says 'I saw what you did there, and I must say, that was very respectful, well played Sir!'... the guy replies, 'Ach well, it's the least I could do, she'd been a good wife to me.'
--
- 29,918
- Bratvegas
- GTP_Liquid
Michael Schumacher is holding a dinner party. Guests include Flavio Briatore, Ross Brawn, Jean Todt and Luca di Montezemolo. They order their food and the pit wall supremos are surprised to see the food being brought over by Martin Brundle, Johnny Herbert, Eddie Irvine and Rubens Barrichello.
"Don't worry", Schumacher says, "They're acting under team hors d'oeuvres"
"Don't worry", Schumacher says, "They're acting under team hors d'oeuvres"
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Rage Racer
I've always loved these type of jokes.
Hahaha!Liquid
Liquid
Well played....
Russia is hosting the 1982 Olympics and the president, Leonid Brezhnev, was up on stage to give his ceremonial speech. At this point, Brezhnev's right-hand man comes on stage and gives the president his flashcards.
Brezhnev starts off with “Oooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
And the crowd goes wild! Repeating Brezhnev patriotically.
Brezhnev gives another “battle cry": “Oooooooooooooooooo!!!"
And the crowd, again, repeats.
Brezhnev again goes for the battle cry, and at this point the crowd is confused.
“What is he doing? I don't understand"
Brezhnev's right-hand man frantically runs back on stage to save his leader from further embarrassment and whispers in his ear
“Comrade, those are the Olympic Rings.... your speech is below."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leonid Brezhnev is invited to a party at the house of his right-hand man. As he walks around, he notices a lot of these beautiful paintings in his house, but, this one particular painting strikes his eyes. He calls the man over, and inquires
“Comrade, what beautiful paintings you have....."
“You are most kind, sir."
“Hmm, yes.... may I ask, what is this hideous painting?? Look at it! It's so ugly, so asymmetrical.... what is this-this....Abomination!"
“Comrade...... I'm afraid, that is a mirror."
RocZX
Premium
- 8,849
- New York
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
Yeah
But a little correction: the Moscow Olympic games were hosted in 1980, not '82, and Brezhnev's office was General Secretary ("gensec"), not President.
I've heard it, but that was about a Jewish boy...--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow, 1930's. Joseph Stalin decides to see how Soviet people live. He disguises himself as a mere citizen and comes to a cinema.
When the film ends, the screen shows Stalin's portrait and the Soviet anthem is played. All the audience stands up and sings, but Stalin keeps sitting silent. And a man nearby tilts down to him and says quietly:
- Comrade, I know, everyone here has the same feelings, but it will be more safe if you stand up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man is interrogated in KGB.
- We have an info about you learning Hebrew. Are you planning to move to Israel?
- Yes, I am!
- Why don't you want to live in the Soviet Union anymore?
- There are two causes for it. First - my neighbour threatens to kill me and my family when communism ends.
- But communism will never end!
- And this is the second cause!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man is interrogated in KGB.
- Is it true that you're planning to move to Israel?
- Yes, it is!
- Don't you know the saying - "The best place to live is where are no us"?
- Well, I'm going where are no YOU.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man is interrogated in OBKhSS (Department Against Misappropriation of Socialist Property).
- We know you have a Volga car. Where'd you get such money for it?
- I had a Lada, I sold it, saved up a bit and bought the Volga.
- And where'd you get money for the Lada?
- I had a Moskvich, I sold it, saved up a bit and bought the Lada.
- And where'd you get money for the Moskvich?
- I had a Zaporozhets, I sold it, saved up a bit and bought the Moskvich.
- And where'd you get money for the Zaporozhets?
- I had a bike, I sold it, saved up a bit and bought the Zaporozhets.
- And where'd you get money for the bike?
- I was already processed for that!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian man visits his old friend who immigrated to USA and lives in New York, Brighton Beach. They talk, and the guest realises that his immigrant friend doesn't speak English at all. He asks:
- How can you live here without speaking English?
- Why do I have to speak it? I don't walk to America.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Dad, everyone in the school calls me a mafioso.
- Well, I'll pay the director a visit.
- Ok, Dad, but please, make it look like an accident!
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- 1,326
- SC
Strange enough I think I can actually hear bees! Oops nevermind, its just the sound of crickets and slide trombones - whah whah... But seeing as how you are obviously a liberal, I am sure you had to think very hard to come up with that one, so I applaud your efforts. 
- 12,389
- Betelgeuse
- Beeblebrox_237
I thought it was quite good. Clearly someone doesn't know the definition of a joke.
- 863
- oops_sorryy
Carbonox
On that note; How can you tell if a stage is level? If the bassist drools put of both sides of their mouth.
- 14,055
- Ireland
- driftking18594
- CiaranGTR94
Strange enough I think I can actually hear bees! Oops nevermind, its just the sound of crickets and slide trombones - whah whah... But seeing as how you are obviously a liberal, I am sure you had to think very hard to come up with that one, so I applaud your efforts.
My butthurt detector is off the charts!
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse is on the phone!!!
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse is on the phone!!!
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Straight from the horses mouth!
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
I just canter help it!
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
It can be a night-mare but I think its trotting along quite nicely.
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
Odds are they will cease eventually.
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