Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
  • 4,700 comments
  • 723,962 views
The Board of Directors of a large corporation felt that it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to show some authority and rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was filled with workers and he decided to let them know that he meant business. So he asked the guy, How much money do you make a week ?
The young man was a little surprised and looked at him and replied, $500 a week. Why?
The CEO reached into his pocket, counted out $1000 in cash and handed it to him saying, Here is two weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball was doing here?

From across the room a voice yelled, Pizza delivery guy from Papa John's.
 
Last edited:
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
 
Last edited:
1236494_344512115684631_1395512168_n.jpg
 
Why can't the Jersey Shore cast get a job at a gas station?

Because they can only pump their fists.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.
 
Lil' joke:

"Do you think an elephant can hide in tomatoes?"
"I think not."
"But have you ever seen an elephant in tomatoes?"
"No!"
"Well, you see how well he has hidden!"

Another:

"How long is the flight to America?"
"One moment..."
"Thank you!"
 
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.
 
There was once a chemist
That chemist is no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4



A green little chemist
On a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
In a green little way.

Now the green little grasses
Tenderly wave
Over the green little chemist's
Green little grave.
 
What about some army jokes? :)

Military exercise preparations. A soldier comes to an officer and says:
- Commander, they didn't give me a rifle, what should I do?
- Don't worry. When you see an "enemy", point your finger on him and say "Bang-bang, you're killed!". Got it?
- Roger that!
The exercise begins. The soldier sees an "enemy" crawling in front. He points a finger on him and says:
- Bang-bang, you're killed!
The "enemy" soldier stands up and shouts:
- Are you ****ing stupid or what?! How can you hit a tank with a rifle?!
__________________________________________________________________________

- Private Petrov, what the hell?! You are drunk again! I've told you so many times: if you haven't been drinking so much, you would be a sergeant already!
- I don't give a ****, commander! When I'm drunk, I feel like a general!
__________________________________________________________________________

A platoon of soldiers stands near a trench, and a lieutenant gives commands:
- Private Ivanov, spread your arms, jump in the trench!
- Private Petrov, hands up, two steps right, jump in the trench!
- Private Sidorov, bend in half, three steps left, jump in the trench!
Then a captain comes and says:
- Lieutenant, what the hell? The major is waiting for you in the HQ, but you just keep playing Tetris here!
__________________________________________________________________________

A lesson in a military school. The teacher says:
- The vertical lay angle of BTR-80's machine guns is 60 degrees.
A student asks:
- 60 degrees Celsium or Farenheit?
"- Farenheit" - says the teacher.
The students collapse into giggles. And the teacher says:
- Alright, I'm just kidding. Celsium, of course.
 
Last edited:
Context before understanding the joke
"Less is more". The simplicity of Haiku reveals the essence of a message with very few words. Example:

Winter desolation.
In a world of one color,
the sound of the wind.
-Basho
Click to expand...

It's now commonly used to create geeky text string parodies:

Three things are certain,
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occured?

------------------

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

------------------

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.



All of this was from the book I'm reading Writing the Natural Way.
 
I can't see the end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore...:(

Definitely time for a new keyboard.
 
PS
What happens when a Toyota Vitz crashes into an Austin Mini?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Aushwitz.

(If that offends anyone- sorry, wasn't my joke)
Click to expand...
Hey, my great-grandfather died in Auschwitz.
He fell out of the guard tower. :P
 
Wild West. A young cowboy suddenly kicks in a saloon, gets his revolver and shoots bottles. He makes no misses, the whole bar gets covered with drink splashes and glass shatters. And with a final shot, he blows out a candle, then smiles proudly.
An old cowboy tells him: "Cut the foresight off, kid!".
"Why?" - asks the young cowboy.
"Listen, kid, when I was young like you, I was as brave as you and a nice shooter just like you. But one fine day, I was attacked by some bandits, and I ran out of ammo. They took my Colt over, pushed it in my ass and rotated it three times. Cut the foresight off, kid!"
 
My electrotechnics lector the other day told this short story that happened in soviet collective farms.

When talking about the work and products of the farm the manager would say "on average we've got 100l of milk", "on average we produced 13t of crops from an acre" etc. One of the milkmaids asked what does "on average" mean? The manager said "if we collected the milk from all the cows and then divided it to every cow equally, that's the average amount of milk we got from one cow". The response from the milkmaid was "Then, on average, I'm a whore!". After the laughter settled, they asked why? - "There's two milkmaids - me and Teresa. I sleep with one man and she sleeps with the whole village. That means the average milkmaid sleeps with atleast 10 men."

I swear this was so far the best story I've heard in the context of alternating current.
 
I have a Ruf estimate of a lap time of 9:30.

Terrible I know, I'm more sarcastic than the joker type.
 
Last edited:

Similar threads

B80
Amusing Comments from people not into cars
Replies
1
Views
611
ICEYOU3
ICEYOU3
Touring Mars
Driving experiences in Scotland - recommendations wanted [Urgent!]
Replies
6
Views
571
TheCracker
TheCracker
Famine
The Umbrella Academy (Netflix)
Replies
0
Views
736
Famine
Famine
V
bumping others sideways off track
Replies
2
Views
665
Veil26
V
Chris30
My Mom Has Cancer! (Need Advice)!
2 3
Replies
64
Views
5K
Chris30
Chris30

Latest Posts

Back