Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,704 comments
- 737,031 views
- 9,884
- Carthage, TN
- race_emhard
Oh these puns, they always have a Prelude.
- 35,610
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
And an expiration date. Yours is eleven days past the use by.
- 9,884
- Carthage, TN
- race_emhard
Nonsense! Hondas are non-perishable.
- 636
- Alexandria, MN
- TurboLefty78
Yes, maybe we should take an Excursion to the frozen Tundra, or perhaps go on a Safari. We could make an Expedition of it!
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
A tank commander asks the crew:
- What is the main thing in a tank?
"The cannon!" - said the gunner.
"The armor!" - said the loader.
"The tracks!" - said the driver.
"Incorrect!" - says the commander. "The main thing in a tank is not to fart!"
- What is the main thing in a tank?
"The cannon!" - said the gunner.
"The armor!" - said the loader.
"The tracks!" - said the driver.
"Incorrect!" - says the commander. "The main thing in a tank is not to fart!"
- 9,884
- Carthage, TN
- race_emhard
Deep down, all of us on GTP are just a bunch of boobs.
- 9,884
- Carthage, TN
- race_emhard
Let's keep this going, tits the height of hilarity.
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
- 8,100
- Guelph, Ontario
Well it has to, otherwise I'll be stuck on the Tundra.
"The Racer's Toolbox"
Trouble Light
The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
- Who won the Crimean War - Russians or Brits?
- Ukrainians.
- Why???
- Because they have Crimea now.
When Ukraine or Belarus lose in some sport, Russian newspaper say "Loss of Ukraine/Belarus".
When they win, Russian newspapers say "Victory of the Soviet school!".
Vladimir Putin and Alexander Lukashenko in a plane.
Lukashenko says:
- Vova, what do you think: if this plane crashes, who will be mourning more - Russians or Belarusians?
- Ukrainians.
- Why?
- Because there's no Yanukovich with us.
- Ukrainians.
- Why???
- Because they have Crimea now.
When Ukraine or Belarus lose in some sport, Russian newspaper say "Loss of Ukraine/Belarus".
When they win, Russian newspapers say "Victory of the Soviet school!".
Vladimir Putin and Alexander Lukashenko in a plane.
Lukashenko says:
- Vova, what do you think: if this plane crashes, who will be mourning more - Russians or Belarusians?
- Ukrainians.
- Why?
- Because there's no Yanukovich with us.
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- 448
- Santa Cruz, CA
- Reikeimaru08
I had a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. Here's a worse one I made up:
I thought I'd fail my anatomy class, but all I had to do was look inside myself.
Hyuk hyuk~
I thought I'd fail my anatomy class, but all I had to do was look inside myself.
Hyuk hyuk~
- 35,610
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES!
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill
Clinton
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill
Clinton
- 35,610
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with everyone about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice whiskey. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
- 19,311
- Inland Empire SoCal
- SOLID_LIFTERS
A Christmas Tradition
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this.
- 19,311
- Inland Empire SoCal
- SOLID_LIFTERS
What a Ten-Month-Old Baby Wants for Christmas
http://theuglyvolvo.com/2013/12/10/a-ten-month-olds-letter-to-santa/
http://theuglyvolvo.com/2013/12/10/a-ten-month-olds-letter-to-santa/
- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
Early 1970's, the Space Race. The US President Nixon recieves a phone call from NASA:
"Mr. President, the Soviets have landed on the Moon and they're going to paint it in red! What are we going to do?"
Nixon answers: "Do not do anything."
A week later, the President receives another call:
"Mr. President, the Soviets have painted half of the Moon in red! Anything to do with it?"
"No, leave it as it is."
One more week.
"Mr. President, the Soviets have painted the whole Moon in red and left! Any orders?"
"Now, take the white paint and write Coca-Cola on it!"
"Mr. President, the Soviets have landed on the Moon and they're going to paint it in red! What are we going to do?"
Nixon answers: "Do not do anything."
A week later, the President receives another call:
"Mr. President, the Soviets have painted half of the Moon in red! Anything to do with it?"
"No, leave it as it is."
One more week.
"Mr. President, the Soviets have painted the whole Moon in red and left! Any orders?"
"Now, take the white paint and write Coca-Cola on it!"
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- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
Nixon. 
Damn, I should have checked the English version of the Wiki page before spelling a name in English.
Sorry, my language issues...
Damn, I should have checked the English version of the Wiki page before spelling a name in English.
Sorry, my language issues...
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