- 14,045
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- driftking18594
- CiaranGTR94
You never know, it could go each way.
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,700 comments
- 723,986 views
You never know, it could go each way.
- 4,572
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
A CIA agent is ordered to infiltrate a secret military object in Russia. It is located near a village, and the first part of his plan is to move to that village, pretenting he's a new farm worker. So, he learns Russian perfectly and moves to that village.
He arrived and walks though the village, and meets a local old man. To seem polite, the spy greets him:
- Hello, mister!
And the old man replies:
- Hello, American spy!
- ??? Why do you think I'm an American spy?
- Kid, I haven't seen any black guys in our village for a long while!
He arrived and walks though the village, and meets a local old man. To seem polite, the spy greets him:
- Hello, mister!
And the old man replies:
- Hello, American spy!
- ??? Why do you think I'm an American spy?
- Kid, I haven't seen any black guys in our village for a long while!
- 5,230
- Buckeye Nation
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of
people having 'Guts' or having 'Balls'. But, do you really know the difference between them ?
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere ?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby !'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, both can be fatal.
= = = = = = = = = =
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
= = = = = = = = = =
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
people having 'Guts' or having 'Balls'. But, do you really know the difference between them ?
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere ?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby !'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, both can be fatal.
= = = = = = = = = =
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
= = = = = = = = = =
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
- 15,855
- QLD, Australia
- Small_Fryz
I love those last two 👍
- 6,694
- Dallas, TX
That's a strange looking lesbian. Oh wait, it's just Justin Beiber.
- 1,326
- SC
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong."Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.""Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.""That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
- 4,572
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
Instead of using teargas, Mongolian police cuts onions quickly and throws it to the crowd.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An email to tech support:
- IhaveaproblemmyspacekeyisbrokenwhatshouldIdo?
- True_PC_users_do_not_use_the_space_key.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Military conscription medical board. A naked young man stands in front of a doctor and complains about very bad vision. The doctor shows the man his fist and asks:
- What do you see?
- Nothing. Completely nothing.
The doctor calls his nurse, undresses, touches her breasts, and asks the draftee:
- What do you see now?
- Something unclear...
- Kid, maybe your eyes do let you down, but your penis clearly shows the direction of the barracks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An email to tech support:
- IhaveaproblemmyspacekeyisbrokenwhatshouldIdo?
- True_PC_users_do_not_use_the_space_key.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Military conscription medical board. A naked young man stands in front of a doctor and complains about very bad vision. The doctor shows the man his fist and asks:
- What do you see?
- Nothing. Completely nothing.
The doctor calls his nurse, undresses, touches her breasts, and asks the draftee:
- What do you see now?
- Something unclear...
- Kid, maybe your eyes do let you down, but your penis clearly shows the direction of the barracks!
- 5,210
- Essex, UK
Someone else has been reading the top 10 fringe festival jokes I see.
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
- 4,572
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
- Commander, we're out of ammo!
- Completely out of ammo?
- That's right!
- Squad, stop firing!
- Completely out of ammo?
- That's right!
- Squad, stop firing!
Dan
Premium
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- 3,679
- Warwick Uni
- lbsf1 GTP_lbsf1
- obsmu (my brothers acount)
Here are the jokes voted top 10 at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
EDIT: I read this page of the thread but somehow didn't see that some of these had been posted previously, oh well here's all of them.
1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
EDIT: I read this page of the thread but somehow didn't see that some of these had been posted previously, oh well here's all of them.
- 19,013
- Jersey V.1.0
- axletramp
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
- 897
- NRW
- Third_Reign
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman... "BMW tinks of everyting..."
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman... "BMW tinks of everyting..."
- 4,572
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
^^
The U.S. military has spotted three Russian nuclear submarines patrolling in the U.S. territorial waters near the East Coast. The Defence Ministry of Russia disproves this claim.
First, there are not 3 - there are 8 of them.
Second, they're not patrolling, they're looking for a sunken container full of vodka.
The U.S. military has spotted three Russian nuclear submarines patrolling in the U.S. territorial waters near the East Coast. The Defence Ministry of Russia disproves this claim.
First, there are not 3 - there are 8 of them.
Second, they're not patrolling, they're looking for a sunken container full of vodka.
- 862
- Northamptonshire
- Ryanswannell
This ones may be a little risque, but..
Premature ej***lator seeks a women with large breasts, good lips, a nice bum and... Oh God... never mind.
I took a dyslexic bird home last night and she ended up cooking my sock!
Premature ej***lator seeks a women with large breasts, good lips, a nice bum and... Oh God... never mind.
I took a dyslexic bird home last night and she ended up cooking my sock!
- 1,601
- Vienna
- bmw123_
- 4,572
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
- Why Mikhail Gorbachev is still alive?
- Because Devil is afraid that he will collapse Hell.
- Because Devil is afraid that he will collapse Hell.
- 1,326
- SC
Husband and wife are drawing up their will and the wife starts to think about what would happen if she was to die first. She asks her husband, "If I die first, will you re-marry?"
Cautiously thinking, he says unassuringly... "uh, well yes I think I would honey."
She thinks about it and says, "yeah thats ok".
Then thinking more about it she asks, "If I die, will you let your new girlfriend drive my Mercedes?"
"Well, I suppose I would, yes" says the husband.
Wife looks more concerned this time, but still agrees that it would be okay.
Next she asks, "Would you let your girlfriend use my golfclubs?"
The husband replies "I couldn't do that." Eyes widening and smiling she asks, "You couldn't? Why Not?"
The husband says "No, she's left handed"
Cautiously thinking, he says unassuringly... "uh, well yes I think I would honey."
She thinks about it and says, "yeah thats ok".
Then thinking more about it she asks, "If I die, will you let your new girlfriend drive my Mercedes?"
"Well, I suppose I would, yes" says the husband.
Wife looks more concerned this time, but still agrees that it would be okay.
Next she asks, "Would you let your girlfriend use my golfclubs?"
The husband replies "I couldn't do that." Eyes widening and smiling she asks, "You couldn't? Why Not?"
The husband says "No, she's left handed"
- 2,335
- United States
- Dooblewasur
- Dooblewasur
- 2,790
- Vancouver, BC
- liampage123
Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
- 862
- Northamptonshire
- Ryanswannell
What sort of biscuit can fly?
A plain one.
A plain one.
ITCC_Andrew
(Banned)
- 18,532
- Kitchener
Tightening cylinder head bolts:
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