Jokes!!

[Akmuq]

I just lasted an hour and 15 seconds in bed. Thanks Daylight Savings.

 

[Daniel]

I just lasted an hour and 15 seconds in bed. Thanks Daylight Savings.

That's an hour and ten seconds more than usual!

 

[Akmuq]

That's an hour and ten seconds more than usual!

You'd know.

 

[Carbonox]

If Bruce Jenner was a superhero, what team would he be on?

Spoiler

Ex-Men.

 

[Halcyon925]

Where did Hitler take the Nazi Army to mingle with single women?

 

[BobK]

Where did Hitler take the Nazi Army to mingle with single women?

Someplace funny, I hope?

 

[dxm8975]

Boy : Wanna hear a joke ?

Girl : Of course !

Boy : Knock, knock !

Girl : Who's that ?

Boy : Marry.

Girl : Marry, who ?

Boy : Marry, me ?

Oh boy...

(Oops, now I remembered my Seminar teacher's first girlfriend was also named Marry. )

 

[TB]

Someplace funny, I hope?

It's in his non-visible spoiler tag.

 

[W3H5]

It's in his non-visible spoiler tag.

How does that work then? I saw it the other day, quoted to ask for a punch line and it only showed up in the quote.

How odd.

 

[Halcyon925]

Someplace funny, I hope?

I had placed a spoiler before it was posted. Odd how it never came up. The answer is "The Sudetenland".

 

[TB]

Odd how it never came up.

You put "The Sudetenland" in as the title of the spoiler, not the content of the spoiler.

As the title:

[SPOILER=""The Sudetenland""][/SPOILER]

Proper spolier:

[SPOILER]The Sudetenland[/SPOILER]

 

[Halcyon925]

You put "The Sudetenland" in as the title of the spoiler, not the content of the spoiler.

As the title:

[SPOILER=""The Sudetenland""][/SPOILER]

Proper spolier:

[SPOILER]The Sudetenland[/SPOILER]

Thank you for clearing that up, TB. My apologies for messing that up, as it was my first attempt at adding a spoiler to a post.

 

[Jedi2016]

There's an "Edit" button...

 

[Roo]

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

 

[MisterWaffles]

Boy: Our Principal is stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No.

Girl: I'm the principal's daughter.

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good *walks away*

 

[Turbo]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?

Bison.

 

[RoadRunner36]

If a Chevy popped a tire, would it get a..................................... Malibuubuu?

 

[MisterWaffles]

Doctor: Welcome to speech therapy, what seems to be the problem today?

Wife: Doc, it's my husband. He keeps using common phrases incorrectly and its pissing me off.

Husband: Oh, cry me a table Mary.

 

[The87Dodge]

I know a little German. He's four foot two and his name is Wilhelm.

 

[polysmut]

I wouldn't say my mother-in-law was fat...

Because to judge her on her physical attributes would detract from what a horrible [sexism-based insult comparing a person to a female dog] she is.

Edit: I think that's the most PC joke in the entire one-liners book.

 

[V0RT3X]

What is a dog's favorite breakfast food?

Woofles!

 

[Peter.]

What is a dog's favorite breakfast food?

Woofles!

Go get it, boy.

 

[Obelisk]

Go get it, boy.

Don't be blunt, just coat him into leaving and he'll go.

 

[W3H5]

Jacket in, the lot of you.

 

[Scuderia Paul]

Sleeve him alone.

 

[RoadRunner36]

Is that Jenson Button's Jacket?

 

[Obelisk]

Ah, zip it.

 

[Leadfoot530]

I think it's time to hang up the puns.

Why was Noah's Ark made of wood?
They didn't have arc welders back then.

 

[TB]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says: "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this. So they find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

"🤬, Dude....... How much water did you drink?"

 

[Michael88]

Bad joke inbound!



Whats black and smells of toffee?

A diabetic after a fire.

And whats red and is lying next to him?

That one's still glowing.