Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,700 comments
- 723,969 views
- 1,377
- zzxxz
Little Paddy is sent to the headmaster's office accused of copying his friend. The headmaster says "For the first question he put true and you also wrote true." Paddy replies "But the answer is true."
"Well for the second question he wrote false and you put the same" Again Paddy says "The answer is false, what do you expect me to write?" The headmaster then says
"But for the third question he wrote 'I don't know' and you wrote 'neither do I'"
"Well for the second question he wrote false and you put the same" Again Paddy says "The answer is false, what do you expect me to write?" The headmaster then says
"But for the third question he wrote 'I don't know' and you wrote 'neither do I'"
- 11,639
- Intercourse, PA
- Carbonox
An Englishman moved to Iraq and started up a laundromat to support himself. He wasn't yet very good at Arabic, though, so he decided to advertise his business with pictures instead of words. He inserted a three-panel comic outside the store: in the first panel was a dirty piece of clothing, in the second was a washing machine, and in the third, a clean piece of clothing.
Days passed and no customers came, which upset him. Luckily, he then met a local who knew English, and asked him why the business wasn't doing well.
The local had one look at the sign and asked: "You do know we read from right to left?"
Days passed and no customers came, which upset him. Luckily, he then met a local who knew English, and asked him why the business wasn't doing well.
The local had one look at the sign and asked: "You do know we read from right to left?"
- 4,871
- Kentucky
- barrett5
- BarrettMopar
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Duke.
Duke who?
Uhh... I don't remember.
Go cats!
Who's there?
Duke.
Duke who?
Uhh... I don't remember.
Go cats!
- 1,472
- Florida, USA
- Formidable_LG
- Formidable77
Science/Math joke
Newton, Pascal, and Einstein were playing hide n seek.
Newton and Pascal would go hide while Einstein would count to 10. When Einstein started counting, Pascal hid himself. Newton drew a 1 meter by 1 meter square and stood in the middle of it. Einstein reaches 10 and exclaims, "Found you Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
Newton, Pascal, and Einstein were playing hide n seek.
Newton and Pascal would go hide while Einstein would count to 10. When Einstein started counting, Pascal hid himself. Newton drew a 1 meter by 1 meter square and stood in the middle of it. Einstein reaches 10 and exclaims, "Found you Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
- 2,726
- England
- ECGadget
- Eh???
Heard this a long time ago, you guys may have heard it before:
A man was pulled over by a state patrol officer for speeding down an interstate. On approaching the window, the following conversation took place.
"Hello sir, do you know why I have stopped you today?"
"No, officer."
"You were doing twelve over the limit. May I see your documents?"
"I don't have them officer."
"Why not?"
"This isn't my car."
"Well where is the owner?"
"In the trunk."
At this the officer started getting quite concerned, and moved his hand towards his weapon.
"What did you do to him?"
"I shot him."
"Where is the weapon?"
"In the glove compartment."
With that revelation the officer retreated and hastily called for backup, which arrived within seconds. They forced the man out of the car and onto the ground. On searching the glove compartment they found no weapons. Opening the boot, they also found no body. The sergeant went over to talk to the man.
"Where is the owner of the car?"
"That's me"
"Then where are your documents?"
Sure enough, the man produced his documents and handed them over. Whilst the officers looked at each other puzzled as to what was called in the man smiled slightly.
"What? Did he tell you I was speeding too?"
A man was pulled over by a state patrol officer for speeding down an interstate. On approaching the window, the following conversation took place.
"Hello sir, do you know why I have stopped you today?"
"No, officer."
"You were doing twelve over the limit. May I see your documents?"
"I don't have them officer."
"Why not?"
"This isn't my car."
"Well where is the owner?"
"In the trunk."
At this the officer started getting quite concerned, and moved his hand towards his weapon.
"What did you do to him?"
"I shot him."
"Where is the weapon?"
"In the glove compartment."
With that revelation the officer retreated and hastily called for backup, which arrived within seconds. They forced the man out of the car and onto the ground. On searching the glove compartment they found no weapons. Opening the boot, they also found no body. The sergeant went over to talk to the man.
"Where is the owner of the car?"
"That's me"
"Then where are your documents?"
Sure enough, the man produced his documents and handed them over. Whilst the officers looked at each other puzzled as to what was called in the man smiled slightly.
"What? Did he tell you I was speeding too?"
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
He's trying to get out of the speeding ticket.
- 7,485
- East Midlands
- m8h3r
José Mourinho got his settlement cheque today after leaving the Bridge. He raced to the bank so fast he got pulled over by the Police. The officer said "That will be 3 points on your license Sir" He responded "Oh the irony, they fire me and now I finally pick up 3 points"
- 15,393
- TRAPPIST-1g
- ProjectWHaT
What word starts with E and only had one letter in it?
Envelope
Envelope
- 29,302
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
Some asshole knocked on my front door at 2.30 am last Wednesday... fortunately for him I was still up as I was practicing my bagpipes at the time.
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AJ
Premium
- 2,085
- UK [UTC+1]
- GTP_AJ
- GTP AJ
Firstly, how did you hear him over the sound of your pipes?
Secondly, whilst I understand it is frustrating to be disturbed at such an hour, I presume you went to the to the door to see what he wanted, would you be so kind as to complete your account of the incident?
Obelisk
Premium
- 9,762
- United States
- RMedia_Obelisk
Real story (Sorry, kinda TL;DR'd it.)
One Friday, my friend Chris and I decided to go to my college for the weekly video game club meeting. I get him and we're driving to the college. He decided to talk about some games he just got and were obsessed with. Listened to him for about 15 minutes about Call of Duty and some WWE game.
"And I just got Dragonball Xenoverse, yeah blah blah...."
Me: "Chris, if you play Dragonball, you have no balls."
He immediately caught the Dragonball joke.
It took him until we got to the college for him to get the pun.
One Friday, my friend Chris and I decided to go to my college for the weekly video game club meeting. I get him and we're driving to the college. He decided to talk about some games he just got and were obsessed with. Listened to him for about 15 minutes about Call of Duty and some WWE game.
"And I just got Dragonball Xenoverse, yeah blah blah...."
Me: "Chris, if you play Dragonball, you have no balls."
He immediately caught the Dragonball joke.
It took him until we got to the college for him to get the pun.
- 2,129
- FL, USA, Earth, Sol, Local Bubble, Milky Way
- TeamACRZARacingo
- GyroxOpex
(This is actually fictional, but it's been an inside joke among my family ever since I came up with it, so here you go.)
One time I was a bit hungry, but I really didn't feel like making myself anything, so I took a ride with my dad to Burger King. Before we left, we asked my mom to call us if she wanted anything to eat. A few minutes later, as we pulled up to the drive-thru, my phone rang. "Get me a whopper with no pickles, no ketchup and no cheese," Mom said. By this point, we'd already gotten to the mic, so I told Dad what Mom and I wanted, and he placed the order.
We drove around to the window and paid. A brief second later, the lady handed us our food: two Single Stackers, Mom's Whooper, a Sprite and some fries. We parked up in the parking lot to check and make sure our order was right. The Single Stackers were fine, as were the fries. However when I opened up the Whopper, I found it absolutely covered in guess what? Pickles, ketchup and cheese - the exact things Mom didn't want. So Dad and I went back to the drive-thru and explained the situation.
"I'm sorry," the lady said as she took the Whopper back. "I thought you said mo' pickles, mo' ketchup and mo' cheese!"
One time I was a bit hungry, but I really didn't feel like making myself anything, so I took a ride with my dad to Burger King. Before we left, we asked my mom to call us if she wanted anything to eat. A few minutes later, as we pulled up to the drive-thru, my phone rang. "Get me a whopper with no pickles, no ketchup and no cheese," Mom said. By this point, we'd already gotten to the mic, so I told Dad what Mom and I wanted, and he placed the order.
We drove around to the window and paid. A brief second later, the lady handed us our food: two Single Stackers, Mom's Whooper, a Sprite and some fries. We parked up in the parking lot to check and make sure our order was right. The Single Stackers were fine, as were the fries. However when I opened up the Whopper, I found it absolutely covered in guess what? Pickles, ketchup and cheese - the exact things Mom didn't want. So Dad and I went back to the drive-thru and explained the situation.
"I'm sorry," the lady said as she took the Whopper back. "I thought you said mo' pickles, mo' ketchup and mo' cheese!"
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- 2,555
- New Zealand
- GTP_Animera
- Bleh
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin!
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
SPARERIBS
My favorite instrument? the TromBONE, of course.
.............
Skulls are always single because they have no body
Everytime I hear a skeleton joke I feel it in my bones
Man, these jokes aren't even that humerus.
These jokes are very bare bones
Because nothing gets under their skin!
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
SPARERIBS
My favorite instrument? the TromBONE, of course.
.............
Skulls are always single because they have no body
Everytime I hear a skeleton joke I feel it in my bones
Man, these jokes aren't even that humerus.
These jokes are very bare bones
- 29,302
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
How do you know the CIA weren't involved in Kennedy's assassination?
He's dead....
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
What do you call a marine with an IQ of 160?
A platoon
A platoon
Pete05
Premium
- 7,095
- Melbourne, Australia
An Italian lady was invited to dinner at her son Tony's place.
Tony introduced his mother to Maree, emphasizing that Maree was merely a housemate.
During dinner the mother was suspicious, and not convinced that such a beautiful girl could only be a housemate.
A week after the dinner Maree asked Tony if he had seen her good silver sugar bowl.
She said she had not seen it since his mother had come to dinner and wondered if his mother had taken it.
So Tony emailed his mother:
"Dear Mum, I'm not saying you took Maree's silver sugar bowl, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But the fact remains the sugar bowl has been missing since you came to dinner."
His mother replied:
"Dear Tony, I'm not saying that you sleep with Maree and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Maree. But the fact remains that if Maree was sleeping in her own bed she would've found the sugar bowl by now."
Moral of the story: don't mess with Italian mamas.
Tony introduced his mother to Maree, emphasizing that Maree was merely a housemate.
During dinner the mother was suspicious, and not convinced that such a beautiful girl could only be a housemate.
A week after the dinner Maree asked Tony if he had seen her good silver sugar bowl.
She said she had not seen it since his mother had come to dinner and wondered if his mother had taken it.
So Tony emailed his mother:
"Dear Mum, I'm not saying you took Maree's silver sugar bowl, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But the fact remains the sugar bowl has been missing since you came to dinner."
His mother replied:
"Dear Tony, I'm not saying that you sleep with Maree and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Maree. But the fact remains that if Maree was sleeping in her own bed she would've found the sugar bowl by now."
Moral of the story: don't mess with Italian mamas.
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