Jokes!!

[Obelisk]

I've seen a variation of that before.
Edit: It replaced sugar bowl with silver plate, and it ended with "under her pillow".

 

[Dagger311]

I've seen a variation of that before.
Edit: It replaced sugar bowl with silver plate, and it ended with "under her pillow".

I've seen it with a gravy boat, too.

 

[Touring Mars]

When my wife left I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a motorbike, slept with two women and blown a grand on booze and drugs. She'll go absolutely mental when she gets home from work.

 

[Leadfoot530]

What type of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White Vans.

Three guys are sitting in a boat, with four cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. What do they do?
Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

 

[Pete05]

What type of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White Vans.

Three guys are sitting in a boat, with four cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. What do they fo?
Throw one overboard to to mame the boat a cigarette lighter.

👎

 

[m8h3r]

👎

Someone wears Vans

 

[Pete05]

Someone wears Vans

I don't even know what Vans look like.
The thumbs down was because some of us don't find a single thing funny about jokes to do with paedophiles. If you knew someone who was a survivor of horrific child abuse, and the chances are you do but don't know it, you'd feel the same way.
By all means, let's have a laugh but let's show some taste when doing so.

 

[Leadfoot530]

I don't even know what Vans look like.
The thumbs down was because some of us don't find a single thing funny about jokes to do with paedophiles. If you knew someone who was a survivor of horrific child abuse, and the chances are you do but don't know it, you'd feel the same way.
By all means, let's have a laugh but let's show some taste when doing so.

I see what you mean, and I appologize for it. I had just watched a video revolving around puns, and I did get a good chuckle out of it, but I do see your point.

 

[Famine]

I don't even know what Vans look like.
The thumbs down was because some of us don't find a single thing funny about jokes to do with paedophiles. If you knew someone who was a survivor of horrific child abuse, and the chances are you do but don't know it, you'd feel the same way.
By all means, let's have a laugh but let's show some taste when doing so.

Some of us don't find a single thing funny about jokes to do with Italians. If you knew someone who was a survivor of horrific (insert something to do with Italians here), and the chances are you do but don't know it, you'd feel the same way:

An Italian lady was invited to dinner at her son Tony's place.
Tony introduced his mother to Maree, emphasizing that Maree was merely a housemate.
During dinner the mother was suspicious, and not convinced that such a beautiful girl could only be a housemate.
A week after the dinner Maree asked Tony if he had seen her good silver sugar bowl.
She said she had not seen it since his mother had come to dinner and wondered if his mother had taken it.
So Tony emailed his mother:
"Dear Mum, I'm not saying you took Maree's silver sugar bowl, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But the fact remains the sugar bowl has been missing since you came to dinner."
His mother replied:
"Dear Tony, I'm not saying that you sleep with Maree and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Maree. But the fact remains that if Maree was sleeping in her own bed she would've found the sugar bowl by now."
Moral of the story: don't mess with Italian mamas.

Sometimes someone will make a joke about a subject that you think should be off limits. Sometimes you'll make a joke about a subject that someone else thinks should be off limits. That's the nature of comedy - and you're no more required to account for other people's sensitivities than they are of yours.


Personally I'm more offended by the fact that the white Vans joke was a crap joke...

 

[Touring Mars]

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and he orders himself a gin and tonic.

 

[TenEightyOne]

I found a small mole growing on my arm and went to see the doctor. He examined it with a magnifying glass and told me it was sprouting two tiny trees and a miniscule picnic bench.

Apparently it's some kind of beauty spot.

 

[polysmut]

A new paedophile in town is chatting to one of the older, more established paedophiles from the area. He asks "Where are the best places to find kids around here?
"Oh, it's swings & roundabouts really."

 

[Roo]

Scared of paedophiles?

Grow up.

 

[FoRiZon]

That guy is cool.

That girl is hot.

They wondered why their child looked like a dispenser.

 

[BobK]

From Scott Adams' blog:

Trump offered to build a ballroom for the White House. I assume he will use an adjoining room for the rest of his body.

 

[250 GTO]

 

[wvmgmidget]

View attachment 512453

Another few rows back: "I'm gluten-free".

 

[Dennisch]

Another few rows back: "I'm gluten-free".

" Stop mocking my gender choice! "

 

[Legro]

"I'm lactose intolerant and just ate some ice cream!"

 

[AbsoluteBarstool]

"I'm an asexual trans-black genderfluid!"

 

[R5]

"I identify as space-kin because I once looked up at night and there was a star which changed from red to green and moved for me I swear"

 

[Touring Mars]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman meet at a father and son day at school. The Scotsman says 'This is my son Andrew, as he was born on St. Andrew's Day'... The Englishman says, 'And this is my son George, who was born on St. George's Day'. The Irishman says 'This is my son Pancake...'.

 

[TenEightyOne]

Just found the kids trying to explain this joke to Mrs. Ten...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

[TB]

What's brown and sticky?

Mr. Hankey.

 

[adamp93]

View attachment 512453

These go RT'd on my twitter feed today, I had a right laugh while I should have been working.

 

[Roo]

What's black and never works?

Spoiler

McLaren Hondas, you racist.

 

[RoadRunner36]

If a man crashed his Impreza, would it have a... Subruise?

 

[CSMDuty11]

>A guy makes a thread on... ...an unspecified forum and claims to be the developer for Car Mechanic Simluator 2015 that says there will be a Mercedes-Benz themed DLC coming.
>Pretty much nobody believes him.
>...It ends up existing three days later

 

[Famine]

>A guy makes a thread on... ...an unspecified forum and claims to be the developer for Car Mechanic Simluator 2015 that says there will be a Mercedes-Benz themed DLC coming.
>Pretty much nobody believes him.
>...It ends up existing three days later

You might have posted that in the wrong thread. This is the thread for telling jokes.

 

[TexRex]

What did the microbiologist say when he accidentally kicked a chair while barefoot?

...

...

MITOSIS!!!

...

...



(Sorry.)