- 9,554
- Vermont
- catamount39
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff.
Ba-dumm-tss
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,704 comments
- 726,382 views
Obelisk
Premium
- 9,812
- United States
- RMedia_Obelisk
Found on TV Tropes.
A doctor is making his rounds through the hospital when he stops to talk to the head nurse. The nurse says , "By the way, doctor, did you know you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear?" The doctor feels around his ear and says, "Great, some asshole has my pen."
An officer had pulled a woman over for a minor infraction. This woman started attempting to get out of the ticket by asking "I thought you guys didn't give tickets to pretty women."
The officer responds: "You're right, we don't. Now sign here."
A doctor is making his rounds through the hospital when he stops to talk to the head nurse. The nurse says , "By the way, doctor, did you know you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear?" The doctor feels around his ear and says, "Great, some asshole has my pen."
From a fail video:
An officer had pulled a woman over for a minor infraction. This woman started attempting to get out of the ticket by asking "I thought you guys didn't give tickets to pretty women."
The officer responds: "You're right, we don't. Now sign here."
Last edited:
- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
https://mail5.mimecast.co.za/mimecast/click?account=CCSA2A44&code=b8d1593691579f67663fb38285f58d84
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
https://mail5.mimecast.co.za/mimecast/click?account=CCSA2A44&code=b8d1593691579f67663fb38285f58d84
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
https://mail5.mimecast.co.za/mimecast/click?account=CCSA2A44&code=b8d1593691579f67663fb38285f58d84
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
https://mail5.mimecast.co.za/mimecast/click?account=CCSA2A44&code=b8d1593691579f67663fb38285f58d84
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
- 7,959
- Wreckage, Turn 1
- PrecisionVI
A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son."
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
He sat down and wrote :
"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son."
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"
- 20,681
- TenEightyOne
- TenEightyOne
This year's Official Edinburgh Funniest Joke;
I just cleared all the German names from my phone. It's Hans free.
My own favourite actually came in at number 7;
Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Blue sky at night, day.
I just cleared all the German names from my phone. It's Hans free.
My own favourite actually came in at number 7;
Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Blue sky at night, day.
- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
- 1,817
- Weirs Beach, NH
- RS73private
I love this joke, because it's long and wastes everyone's time 
So a frog goes to a bank asking for a loan. He said he is the son of Mick Jagger. The bank teller, Patty Whack, says "do you have anything worthy for a loan?" The frog gives her this tiny little pink elephant. She goes to the manager, not knowing what it is and if she should give him a loan. The manager takes it and looks at her, and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan; his father is a rolling stone"
So a frog goes to a bank asking for a loan. He said he is the son of Mick Jagger. The bank teller, Patty Whack, says "do you have anything worthy for a loan?" The frog gives her this tiny little pink elephant. She goes to the manager, not knowing what it is and if she should give him a loan. The manager takes it and looks at her, and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan; his father is a rolling stone"
BobK
Premium
- 7,020
- Massachusetts, USA
FTFY.I love this joke, because it's long and wastes everyone's time
So a frog goes to a bank asking for a loan. He said he is the son of Mick Jagger. The bank teller, Patty Whack, says "do you have anything worthy for a loan?" The frog gives her this tiny little pink elephant. She goes to the manager, not knowing what it is and if she should give him a loan. The manager takes it and looks at her, and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a rolling stone"
- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees..'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?’
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees..'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?’
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
- 6,658
- Marietta, GA
- Dagger31198
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
- 1,223
- Kalayaan Islands
Snake 1: Ah-ah-a-are we venomous?...
Snake 2: Yes. Why you ask?
Snake 1: I bit my tongue bruh...
Snake 2: Yes. Why you ask?
Snake 1: I bit my tongue bruh...
- 4,019
- Riga
Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?
- 4,573
- Moscow
- Rage_Racer_VOLK
- RageRacer48
So, are you a moderator now?
- 11,202
- Central Coast, NSW
- Com_Fox5
- EelX 5
We still don't have a "track editor" we just have a "track-path editor"
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
I can be in your imagination or I guess I was wrong.
- 17,931
- Florida
- GranTurismo0517
- RandomCarGuy17
I guess he was wrong.
- 35,487
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost
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