Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,701 comments
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- 2,938
- Shrewsbury
- pezzarinho17
Who's the woman standing really far away?
That's Dot.
That's Dot.
- 6,694
- Dallas, TX
Giving coat hangers as a baby shower gift is a bad idea.
- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
If a couple in Kentucky gets a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
Dragonwhisky
Premium
- 7,064
- the land of green, hills, rocks & whiskey
- Dragonwhisky
- 1,830
- England
- Player_7421
- Player 7421
You want a joke? The Toyota Vitz/Yaris championship in Gran Turismo 3. Now that was, and still is a complete joke.
- 5,301
- Tijuana, B.C.
- MRT_Cinnamon
- 11,639
- Intercourse, PA
- Carbonox
A dude is taking his GF to the prom. So, he's getting everything in order before the big day.
He goes to pick up flowers, but there is a line at the flower shop. So, he waits in the flower line and eventually gets the flowers.
He goes to rent his tuxedo, but there is a line at the tuxedo store. So, he waits in the tuxedo line and eventually gets the tuxedo.
He goes to rent a limo, but there is a line at the limo rental. So, he waits in the limo line and eventually gets the limo.
They get to prom and upon sitting down, his GF asks for punch. So, he goes to the punch table, and there's no punch line.
He goes to pick up flowers, but there is a line at the flower shop. So, he waits in the flower line and eventually gets the flowers.
He goes to rent his tuxedo, but there is a line at the tuxedo store. So, he waits in the tuxedo line and eventually gets the tuxedo.
He goes to rent a limo, but there is a line at the limo rental. So, he waits in the limo line and eventually gets the limo.
They get to prom and upon sitting down, his GF asks for punch. So, he goes to the punch table, and there's no punch line.
- 5,646
- North Dakota
- RacingCowboy570
- RacingCowboy570
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
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