- 35,431
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
The joke doesn't really work if you lead off with the "stranger" is Norwegian, does it?
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,470 views
- 11,186
- Central Coast, NSW
- Com_Fox5
- EelX 5
2 Women watch the 6 O'clock news about a guy anout to jumpoff the bridge. Girl 1 bet money that he'll jump while Girl 2 bet that he won't. The guy did and Girl 2 was about to give Girl 1 the money:
Girl 1: No, you can keep it.
Girl 2: Why?
Girl 1: I watched the 4 O'clock news with the same story, I can't take your money.
Girl 2: I watched it too, I didn't know he would jump again.
Girl 1: No, you can keep it.
Girl 2: Why?
Girl 1: I watched the 4 O'clock news with the same story, I can't take your money.
Girl 2: I watched it too, I didn't know he would jump again.
- 11,639
- Intercourse, PA
- Carbonox
A cop pulls over a group of five driving an Audi Quattro.
Cop: Quattro means four. You can't carry five people in this car.
Driver: That's ridiculous! It's just the car's name, there's no rule like that!
Cop: I'm going to fine you for this blatant misdemeanour.
Driver: Where's your superior? I want to complain to him.
Cop: He's right over there, but he's a little busy right now, fining those two fellows driving a Fiat Uno.
Cop: Quattro means four. You can't carry five people in this car.
Driver: That's ridiculous! It's just the car's name, there's no rule like that!
Cop: I'm going to fine you for this blatant misdemeanour.
Driver: Where's your superior? I want to complain to him.
Cop: He's right over there, but he's a little busy right now, fining those two fellows driving a Fiat Uno.
- 2,865
- Australia
I had long attributed it to titan of the romantic era of classical composition, Johannes Brahms. It turns out however that it was Max Reger that in response to a highly critical newspaper review of a performance of his Symphony in A major Op. 90, Reger wrote back "I am sitting in the smallest room of the house. Your review is in front of me. It shall soon be behind me".
- 897
- NRW
- Third_Reign
A colored woman named Betty goes to the butcher to buy some beef. The butcher answers: "No, black Betty, ham or lamb?"
- 30,033
- Thailand
John gets a text from his best mate Bob:
"Hi John, look, I've got a confession to make. For a while now I've been taking advantage of your wife. I feel really bad about it and I can't live with this secret. I'm really sorry, mate. At first it was just once in a while but now it's quite frequent. Hope you're not too pissed off."
After reading the text, John flies into a rage fit, shaking uncontrollably. He grabs his gun, walks into the lounge where his wife is sitting and shoots here dead.
A minute later another text from Bob comes through:
"Sorry, mate, I meant WIFI. Stupid auto-correct."
"Hi John, look, I've got a confession to make. For a while now I've been taking advantage of your wife. I feel really bad about it and I can't live with this secret. I'm really sorry, mate. At first it was just once in a while but now it's quite frequent. Hope you're not too pissed off."
After reading the text, John flies into a rage fit, shaking uncontrollably. He grabs his gun, walks into the lounge where his wife is sitting and shoots here dead.
A minute later another text from Bob comes through:
"Sorry, mate, I meant WIFI. Stupid auto-correct."
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- 4,877
- Kentucky
- barrett5
- BarrettMopar
What do all of the children in Kentucky want the Easter Bunny to bring them?
Better refs.
Better refs.
Brett
Premium
- 8,632
- Oklahoma
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
So with Mortal Kombat X coming out next week, I thought this would be the appropriate time to make a Mortal Kombat joke.
So Onaga is known as The Dragon King. However, if I was to go on google translate and put in Onaga's name, this is what it translates to.
So this means that Onaga went from this
To this
Onaga The Drag Queen.
So Onaga is known as The Dragon King. However, if I was to go on google translate and put in Onaga's name, this is what it translates to.
So this means that Onaga went from this
To this
Onaga The Drag Queen.
- 30,033
- Thailand
- 5,301
- Tijuana, B.C.
- MRT_Cinnamon
That's very dark.
I like it.
I like it.
- 12,389
- Betelgeuse
- Beeblebrox_237
An elderly gentleman is suffering from erectile dysfunction. Worried and a little embarrassed, he asks his gp if there's anything he can do to help, to which the doctor replies: "how hard can it be?"
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- 7,313
- Land of the smelly onion
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria : "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife : "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria : "Your husband, he say so."
Wife : "Oh yeah?"
Maria : "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife : "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria : "Your husband did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria : "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife : "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria : "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife : "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria : "Your husband, he say so."
Wife : "Oh yeah?"
Maria : "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife : "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria : "Your husband did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria : "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife : "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
Shao Kahn: The Earth was created in six days; so too shall it be destroyed; and on the seventh day, mankind will rest... in peace!
Nostalgia Critic: Jehovah Witnesses...
pokemonfan58: Let me rephrase this. "The second Mortal Kombat Movie Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was created in 2 years *after the first one*; so too shall it be destroyed; after 6 days of figuring out it was craptastic, on the 7th day, this quote will rest... in pieces!"
THIS QUOTE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THE WRESTLER THE UNDERTAKER WAS WRITING THE SCRIPT FOR THIS MOVIE!!!
Nostalgia Critic: Jehovah Witnesses...
pokemonfan58: Let me rephrase this. "The second Mortal Kombat Movie Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was created in 2 years *after the first one*; so too shall it be destroyed; after 6 days of figuring out it was craptastic, on the 7th day, this quote will rest... in pieces!"
THIS QUOTE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF THE WRESTLER THE UNDERTAKER WAS WRITING THE SCRIPT FOR THIS MOVIE!!!
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
- 35,431
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
- 4,541
- Los Angeles
- racingheartruby
- RubyWooby
Eerr...I think someone should give you a definition of joke, first. 💡 @pokemonfan58
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
- 995
- Waterford MI
- V0RT3X7373
A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
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