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Q - Why do melons have to get married in a church ?
A - Because they cantaloupe
A - Because they cantaloupe
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
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UKMikey
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- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
"I, honey, do".
UKMikey
Premium
- 18,223
- Grea'er Laandan
- UKMikeyA
- UKMikeyA
It's that time of the year again:
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons
2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth
12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons
2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth
12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
- 353
- United States
Q - What do you call a fake noodle ?
A - an im-pasta
A - an im-pasta
- 353
- United States
Q - Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500 feet of a school ?
A - Because hes dead
A - Because hes dead
UKMikey
Premium
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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...
Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"
Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"
So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminished seventh, with some arpeggios up and down the keyboard.
The crowd starts applauding and cheering Stevie.
He shouts "Does anyone else have a request they'd like to hear?"
The same Japanese man stands up and shouts insistently "No, do a Jazz chord, a Jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries a bit harder, improvising a jazz solo based around a few key chords, and breaks away into a full 3 minute jam with the backing band. The crowd goes absolutely wild at this incredible display of showmanship, giving him a standing ovation.
Once again though, the Japanese man jumps and and screams "NO, NO, A JAZZ CHORD!"
Frustrated at this man's apparent lack of appreciation for his talents, Stevie shouts back "Alright mister, you come up here, and you do a bloody jazz chord!"
So the Japanese man unblinkingly gets up out of his seat, hobbles towards the stage, gets ahold of the microphone and starts singing..."A jazz chord, to say, a ruv you...."
Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"
Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"
So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminished seventh, with some arpeggios up and down the keyboard.
The crowd starts applauding and cheering Stevie.
He shouts "Does anyone else have a request they'd like to hear?"
The same Japanese man stands up and shouts insistently "No, do a Jazz chord, a Jazz chord!"
So Stevie tries a bit harder, improvising a jazz solo based around a few key chords, and breaks away into a full 3 minute jam with the backing band. The crowd goes absolutely wild at this incredible display of showmanship, giving him a standing ovation.
Once again though, the Japanese man jumps and and screams "NO, NO, A JAZZ CHORD!"
Frustrated at this man's apparent lack of appreciation for his talents, Stevie shouts back "Alright mister, you come up here, and you do a bloody jazz chord!"
So the Japanese man unblinkingly gets up out of his seat, hobbles towards the stage, gets ahold of the microphone and starts singing..."A jazz chord, to say, a ruv you...."
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- Thailand
I don’t remember it in full, and it was from a sketch by an English comedian a while back. I’ll see if I can find the clip as I know I won’t do I justice…
Edit: I can’t find it. I think it was by Jim Davidson and was about Japanese karaoke singers singing “It’s so funny” by Sir Cliff Richards. I don’t want to ruin the punchline so I’ll leave it there.
Last edited:
syntex123
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Dad jokes for all of the dads here.
- Have you heard about the donkey who screamed so much he became hoarse?
- A dad washes his car with his son. The son asks: why can’t you use the sponge…
- Why you shouldn’t brush your teeth with your left hand? It’s much easier to use a toothbrush.
- My wife found a spider in our bed, she asked me if I could take it out. I did, we took a few beers at the pub. Turns out he’s a web designer…
- Who is responsible for selling the milk in Saudi Arabia? The milk sheikh of course.
- This might sound self-centered but I’m pretty sure the hotel receptionist checked me out before I left this morning.
- What did the snowman say to the other? Is it just me or does it smell like carrots here?
- Heard about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
- What does a pregnant woman and a burnt frozen pizza have in common? A man forgot to take it out in time.
- What does it say on the door on your way out of a sperm bank? Thanks for coming.
- Have you heard about the donkey who screamed so much he became hoarse?
- A dad washes his car with his son. The son asks: why can’t you use the sponge…
- Why you shouldn’t brush your teeth with your left hand? It’s much easier to use a toothbrush.
- My wife found a spider in our bed, she asked me if I could take it out. I did, we took a few beers at the pub. Turns out he’s a web designer…
- Who is responsible for selling the milk in Saudi Arabia? The milk sheikh of course.
- This might sound self-centered but I’m pretty sure the hotel receptionist checked me out before I left this morning.
- What did the snowman say to the other? Is it just me or does it smell like carrots here?
- Heard about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
- What does a pregnant woman and a burnt frozen pizza have in common? A man forgot to take it out in time.
- What does it say on the door on your way out of a sperm bank? Thanks for coming.
Last edited:
- 927
- United Kingdom
- Why were the actors arrested?
- They stole the show!
- They stole the show!
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