Jokes!!

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It's that time of the year again:

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
 
A little boomer humour:

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminished seventh, with some arpeggios up and down the keyboard.

The crowd starts applauding and cheering Stevie.

He shouts "Does anyone else have a request they'd like to hear?"

The same Japanese man stands up and shouts insistently "No, do a Jazz chord, a Jazz chord!"

So Stevie tries a bit harder, improvising a jazz solo based around a few key chords, and breaks away into a full 3 minute jam with the backing band. The crowd goes absolutely wild at this incredible display of showmanship, giving him a standing ovation.

Once again though, the Japanese man jumps and and screams "NO, NO, A JAZZ CHORD!"

Frustrated at this man's apparent lack of appreciation for his talents, Stevie shouts back "Alright mister, you come up here, and you do a bloody jazz chord!"

So the Japanese man unblinkingly gets up out of his seat, hobbles towards the stage, gets ahold of the microphone and starts singing..."A jazz chord, to say, a ruv you...."
 
Pete05
Well come one Shem.

You can't just leave us hanging like that.
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I don’t remember it in full, and it was from a sketch by an English comedian a while back. I’ll see if I can find the clip as I know I won’t do I justice…

Edit: I can’t find it. I think it was by Jim Davidson and was about Japanese karaoke singers singing “It’s so funny” by Sir Cliff Richards. I don’t want to ruin the punchline so I’ll leave it there.
 
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W3H5
I don’t remember it in full, and it was from a sketch by an English comedian a while back. I’ll see if I can find the clip as I know I won’t do I justice…

Edit: I can’t find it. I think it was by Jim Davidson and was about Japanese karaoke singers singing “It’s so funny” by Sir Cliff Richards. I don’t want to ruin the punchline so I’ll leave it there.
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The power of the Google machine.

And yes, I see the similarities with the Stevie Wonder joke 😂
 
Dad jokes for all of the dads here.


- Have you heard about the donkey who screamed so much he became hoarse?

- A dad washes his car with his son. The son asks: why can’t you use the sponge…

- Why you shouldn’t brush your teeth with your left hand? It’s much easier to use a toothbrush.

- My wife found a spider in our bed, she asked me if I could take it out. I did, we took a few beers at the pub. Turns out he’s a web designer…

- Who is responsible for selling the milk in Saudi Arabia? The milk sheikh of course.

- This might sound self-centered but I’m pretty sure the hotel receptionist checked me out before I left this morning.

- What did the snowman say to the other? Is it just me or does it smell like carrots here?

- Heard about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.


- What does a pregnant woman and a burnt frozen pizza have in common? A man forgot to take it out in time.



- What does it say on the door on your way out of a sperm bank? Thanks for coming.
 
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A friend of mine was cycling home and was overtaken by a council lorry spraying the icy road. He was covered from head to toe.

Not one to complain, he simply smiled through gritted teeth
 
During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
 
My favourite parrot joke:

A woman went to a pet shop to buy a parrot, and there was a beautiful blue and gold parrot in the shop that immediately caught her eye.

"How much is this one?" she asked, and the pet shop owner said "£5". Disbelieving, she replied "£5? But he's absolutely beautiful!", to which the pet shop owner replied, "Ah, well, to be perfectly honest with you, he used to live in a brothel, and he has picked up a rather colourful vocabulary over the years...". Undeterred, the woman replied "Oh well, for £5 I think I'll take that chance!", and bought the parrot.

Upon returning home, she removed the blanket from over the cage, and the parrot took a look around and said, "New place, very nice!". Half an hour later, the woman's daughters arrived home, and the parrot said "New place, new girls, very nice indeed!". An hour after that, the woman's husband came home and the parrot said "Hello Keith!"
 
A man was walking down the street and a radio fell on his head and he didn't die, why..


The radio was playing soft music.
 
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion quid." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "l want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "l want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I ****ed up."
 

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