The Simpsons Quotes

[Blake]

Hahaha, that's good.

 

[DRIFT4EVA]

News guy: It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your kids are?
Homer: I told you last night...... No. Where is Bart anyway. His dinner is getting cold and eaten *Homer takes big bite out of Barts food*

 

[Bollocks#999]

Human Fly: Hello, human fly here, c'mon, I stayed up all night dying my underwear


Bart:...and since when did you ever write a song?

 

[Bollocks#999]

Lou: Pretty aint it chief?
Wiggum: Sure is Lou, sure is, get the tear gas

 

[Bollocks#999]

Snake: Wallet inspector
Nerds: Here you go, I believe everythings in order
Snake: I cant believe that worked
Homer: Hey, that isnt the wallet inspector

 

[Cap'n Jack]

Homer: Lisa, wheres christmas?

 

[Bollocks#999]

Homer: How many S's in inoccent?

 

[Solid Lifters]

Homer - "You drive; I eat."

Lisa - "Dad! You were supposed to pay for those snacks!"

Homer - "I saw Kerbopple's butt; I paid!"

 

[Bollocks#999]

Homer: (disguising his voice) Hello dean, you're a stupid head
The dean: (looking out window) Homer is that you?
Homer: Ahhh!

 

[tabs]

Willy: Eeek! I mean, ack!

 

[donbenni]

"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat."

 

[DRIFT4EVA]

Pretzel guy: Where there are starving people...... You will be there. Blah blah, yada yada
Marge: What about fat people? They can't stop eating.
Homer: *Casually walking by* Ooooohhhhh Pretzels

 

[Bollocks#999]

Bart: whoooo thats good squishy

 

[tabs]

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm in charge here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said...

 

[Cap'n Jack]

Marge: What are you doing with all those bowling balls?
Homerh, I'm not going to lie to you Marge...Bye!

 

[Bollocks#999]

From the same episode:

Homer, Marge and Bart: Go to your room Lisa

 

[Cap'n Jack]

homer (getting on list with Mandy in it):Ahhh, I mean Aaahllo.

 

[the_undrtaker89]

Homer tries knocking out marge:awwwww mountain dew..

 

[xAkirax2004]

"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat."

"...To order a special dialing wand, mash the keypad with your palm, now."

Homer: So, what do ya got to wash off that kakalsh out of my mouth?

Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab juice

Homer: EWWWW...Ill take a crab juice.

 

[Solid Lifters]

Homer "I take a wiskey drink; I take a chocolate drink. And when I have to pee; I use the kitchen sink. I sing the songs that remind me I'm a peeing guy."

 

[Cap'n Jack]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

 

[tabs]

Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

 

[Cap'n Jack]

Homer: Ohh, he card read good.

 

[Nick_Johnston28]

*bart tags 'el barto' on wall*

Homer walks up...

*homer tags 'el homo' on wall*

If bart can be, el barto i can be el homo. *gay mexican guy walks up*

 

[Robert Cooper]

Marge: I know what the first eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one? (Holds up longest fork.)

Homer: Marge, I think you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge: Homer, I-oooh, oh this is a life saver!

 

[Robert Cooper]

Homer: I'm sorry that my competitor couldn't show up today. I believe he had more important things to do. (Pretends to drink)

James Patterson: Sorry I'm late. SOMEBODY tampered with my BRAKES!

(Audience gasps.)

Homer: Well, you should of came early.

(Audience laughs)

Patterson: I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Homer: Well, you should turn up your hearing aids, pops!

Patterson: Pops?! I'm only two years older than you!

Homer: Do we want old man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

Patterson: WHAT BUTTON?! I don't even know what you're talking about!

Homer: Wha-wha-wha? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?

(Audience laughs)

Chief Wiggum: He got you there, Patterson!

 

[Blake]

Lol,I like that Pattereson one

 

[eh??]

mayor quimby:did i hear a,ah, briefcase opening?

 

[tabs]

Mayor Quimby: If anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
Girl: But uncle Quimby, I am your niece.
Mayor Quimby: Oh God, I'm an abomination.
--------------------------
Mayor Quimby: Yes there is a comet and yes it is heading for our town. (Scattered clapping) You uh, don't need to applaud that.

 

[eh??]

young homer : who are you?
sea captain : i'm the sailing instructarrr and on weekends i run the movie projectarrr only pg nothing arrr

cheif wiggum : aw cant anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?