First of all,
@Moglet, I really appreciate you engaging in this conversation, and you tend to do so without assuming malice, which is probably not easy for you and is much appreciated.
I meant more on the mental health side, specifically with regards to gender dysphoria. I have days where I look in the mirror and I'm really happy with myself but other days I'll fall into a spiral of hating my own body and wishing things could change. Nothing external has changed between those 2 days occurring; it's all internal.
So this is two issues which are, at least in theory, separable. One is how you feel about your body, which honestly every single person on earth can relate to to an extent. The other is how others treat you, and again, ever single person on earth can relate to that, to an extent, as well. How you feel about your body is not inherently tied into gender unless it's a stereotype within your own mind. Your body just is what it is. In some ways you can change it to match what you want, and again, everyone does this to an extent, and in some ways perhaps you cant - also universally identifiable. But unless you have a notion of what genitalia matches with what personality traits or behavior (a stereotype), gender (as we've been using the term for a while in this thread) is not something that has to come into play when reckoning with your body.
The other battle is the battle against how society treats you. I see gender as something which is being used to coerce society into thinking and treating along preferred lines, but any kind of abuse, incorrect assumptions, or unfair treatment can be pushed back on with or without changing gender from whatever one conventionally uses. So, for example, if someone is agender, but is running into a lot of pressure and confusion from society, one can change gender to one which matches better with the behavior they'd like to see from others, or one can push for fair treatment without changing to either the male or female gender.
As another personal example, sometimes I don't conform to typical male stereotypes, and in fact, sometimes I rail against those stereotypes. I admit that it's easy for me to do this, because I fit a lot of the stereotypical, especially superficial, male description. I mean I have a beard for starters. For the most part, I don't want to be treated as agender or female (edit: actually, maybe agender would be preferable). So I don't have this issue of having an obviously square peg trying to fit a round hole when there's a relatively square hole that would work just about perfectly. That being said, I don't fit perfectly into the male archetype. I'm not sure anyone does. But I don't internalize this, I externalize it. The problem is not with me, it's with the male archetype.
In a world where we have gender stereotypes this is always going to be true and there's no avoiding it. I definitely see what you're saying and it's often a reason why non-binary identities are so difficult to accept for a lot of people. How can someone be agender when they're always going to fall into some form of gender stereotypes even if they don't specifically want to? If someone is gender-fluid and simply changes how they dress and present themselves then surely that's just someone rejecting gender norms rather than having to have a whole new identity? In some cases that is true. But for a lot of people solving the dysphoria and mental health issues requires adopting that identity entirely including pronouns and name changes. Unless we can somehow define what makes a man or a woman beyond gender norms the solutions to gender identity issues will always involve stereotypes to some extent.
Personally I would rather do away with gender and just use sex. This is what we try to do with skin color. We don't permit "oh you have [insert skin color], therefore I will assume [insert trait] about you". That's called racism, or at a minimum, profiling. Why do we permit "oh you have [insert genitalia], therefore I assume [insert trait] about you"? That's sexism, or at a minimum, profiling. And while profiling is impossible to avoid, it can and should be dropped fast in favor of new information.
...and to bring it back to Demi for a second, this is why I wish changing to non-binary was not necessary. Because I'd rather push on what traits and behavior is encompassed by "woman" than further define "woman" rigidly by excluding members.
In my ideal world we wouldn't have any gender stereotypes and we would all be free to wear, look, and act however we liked but with the current situation we're in with years of ingrained gender roles and stereotypes I think expecting people to abolish them entirely might be seen as unfair by those who are happy with things as they are.
No less fair than forcing those gender roles or stereotypes on people. In fact, I think expanding people's perceptions of the variations of humanity is a worthy goal.
This is great if it works for your family and the person being referred to is happy with it but I'm going to say this for anyone reading this thread who may not be aware of it - Please don't do this when speaking to or about trans people unless you know they're fine with it, it can be very upsetting. Most trans people don't see their dead identity as (using MtF in this example) "when I was a man" they see it as "when I was a woman in the wrong body".
I guess I don't see the difference. "when I was a man" vs "when I was a woman in the wrong body"... same thing. For someone who grew up with a transgender sibling, it is part of
their identity to have had a childhood that included a brother (for example), even if that brother is now a woman. "But I didn't grow up with a
sister, I grew up with a
brother"*. Even if it was a traumatic childhood for the transgender person, it did still
happen. There are many traumatic experiences one can face, but generally it is not mentally healthy or well-adjusted to avoid them or pretend they did not occur. Some delicacy is certainly appropriate around any traumatic situation, but I don't think it's fair in this case to deny the event. That's asking a great deal of all of the (hopefully) loved-ones involved, and I'm dubious that it's buying anything positive for the transgender individual.
Edit:
For reference, my transgender family member has described this within her own mind - having memories tied to the old name and the old gender.
*The same can be said of parents, but the parental situation is a bit trickier, which is why I went with sibling
