Okay, I'm going to have to lampshade the Armageddon Van in the finale. you guys are just being so ridiculous, I can't help it.
Chapter 27: Two Birds, One Stone
"So, what is a set of German twins doing in Italy?"
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Same reason as anyone else. Plot conveniences."
"Ah, that explains everything then."
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Yes, yes it does."
"But that's an utter bull**** answer, we need a better one for those people who don't like the utter lack of a fourth wall in this story."
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Um, well, I guess they liked the track, and stayed here for it. It's not like they don't have enough money."
Well, we're here in Italy, in this town that I can't remember the name of because it's name was in a flashback chapter. Our quest for today is to meet and defeat the twins, Hans and Franz, in one chapter, so the author can have a nice clean ending chapter. I think I'll be able to manage that, if my sheer ability is anything to go by.
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Whee! I bought us a milkshake!"
Kyoko was enjoying this far too much. After I confessed to her two chapters ago, and we, uh, "sealed" our relationship, she's been rather... Clingy. Take this for example. She's gone and gotten a milkshake for the two of us to share, complete with two straws with hearts on them. This is so unmanly, that if I didn't exude awesome from every single orifice of my body, my testicles would have retracted by now. But this is just musing of my manly side, the rest of me is enjoying this thoroughly. It's almost like the author's going to have me killed by the end, leaving a child I conceived to exact revenge for me... Or maybe that's a rejected alternate ending. I used a condom, after all. Well, four, but...
"
It almost makes me sick, seeing you two being all lovey-dovey like that."
"Well, there's no rule we have to be the only ones. Did you call up that girl? You could probably help her out emotionally."
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I did, actually. She said she's doing okay, the funeral for her friends is in a week. Did you want to come?"
"If it's in a week, I might not be able to make it, depending on how long these battles stretch out. But tell her I'll try to make it if at all possible."
I took a sip of the milkshake, then realized that a sip gets you nowhere if you're drinking a milkshake, and I took a long, drawn out gulp.
"So, what's the battle plan for today?"
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Find the twins, challenge them both, then have one do the time attacks, then you race the other, and beat the time while racing. I think they'll agree to that."
"Yeah, but I'll hang around here until they show up. They always do, somehow or other."
So thus, our, now famous racing team, is sitting here, doing nothing, until a bunch of German twins stumble upon us in the middle of Italy. Logic dictates that this would never happen, but then again, logic dictates that a five year old child cannot possibly learn to drive a car, let alone race it to S Class abilities, but I digress. I've never bowed to logic, and neither should you. Our team talked briefly about our plans for the future. I remember that dream I had those weeks ago, about the sort of awesome things I'm destined to do. I am easily the fastest, or at least second fastest man on Earth, so I don't see any reason why I can't start doing some serious races after I'm done beating in the Solar Flares and bringing their stupid ace down to ground. I've got some pretty serious money under my belt right now, I'll use that on my MR2, then I'll sell that RSC and get myself a race car, then I'll emerge onto the big stage...
Looking back now, I'd never have guessed I'd even possibly have this choice open to me. I can become a god of the racing world, my name could shine in lights as the greatest driver that lived... This could work.
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Ja, zen I vas der, being all like 'das is mein schlong.'"
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That wasn't very funny, and you know it."
"Oh, look, plot."
Two identical german men. One with a horrible accent, one without one. I get the distinct feeling these are our men.
"Excuse me, Which one is Hans?"
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Oh, Das ist me! Vat ist it?"
"Franz, I'm going to challenge the both of you to a race."
I'll be damned if I'll listen to that accent.
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Erm, why?"
"Because you are the twin captains of Solar Flare, right?"
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Uh, no. We're just tourists."
"Oh. Never mind then."
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Ve are kidding of course, silly man. Ve are Hans and Franz, ze racing twins!"
"You, shut up. Look, I want to get this race over as fast as possible, so could you go ahead and do a time attack to begin with?"
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Uh, why?"
"I need to get these done in one chapter, and this is the only way. I need you to set a lap time for me to beat, then I'll break it when I race with Hans."
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That's a pretty lofty goal there. Think you can manage it?"
"I think so. You seem nicer than the other captains. The last one was a bit of a prostitute."
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We all have our quirks. Ours is that we're twins, and Hans has a horrible accent for no reason other than comic relief."
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Ja, das ist mein Blitzkreig!"
"Does he shut up?"
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Only if you subject him to German stereotypes."
"Hey, Hans!"
I found a poolside chair, put a towel in the shape of the german flag on it, then put a bowl of sauerkraut on that.
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Oh mein gott!"
"Alright, now that he's out of the way, could you go do a time attack?"
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Alright. At once."
Franz walked away, dragging Hans along with the bowl of sauerkraut in tow. We were situated by the start line, so he'll be coming along soon.
"
Have you decided what car you'll be driving?"
"I was thinking about driving your Renault. It'll be like home to that car."
"
Nice. So, the twins always drive the same car from the time attack to the one on one race. I think it's coming."
We all looked over to our right, when the car crested over the hill.
"Isn't that..."
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Renault 5 Turbo. This'll be an interesting race."
"He's probably decked it out as much as yours."
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Yeah, probably."
The Renault sped across the start line. We waited two minutes, then we heard the car approaching again. There was a GT race adviser here, to do the official lap time. The red Renault crossed the finish, then I asked the race adviser for the time.
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1:45.43."
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Wow, he's around 1:45. I don't know if even I could do that."
"Eh. Your car's good enough. I'll beat it."
I walked over to the Renault after it stopped.
"1:45. Good time."
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I'm proud of it. It's Hans' turn now. Still think you can beat that time?"
"I've got my own trickery this time."
Hans and Franz switched places in the car, and I went back to get the keys to Andrea's car.
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You know how dangerous the car is, right?"
"Yeah, I know. Don't worry."
I ran to the house my mother stayed in, and grabbed the Renault. That car used to stay there all the time. It's like nostalgia for cars. I drove the car on to the track, and found the other Renault.
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You brought your own Turbo! I like it! Maybe it'll be a good fight if it's tricked out enough."
"Don't worry, it is."
Hans started driving, and I followed suit. If I pulled this off, I'd be killing two birds with one stone. I'd be metaphorically comboing these guys. We drove up to, and crossed the start line.
This is why he's a captain. My car's faster on the straights, his is slightly faster in the corners. This normally poses no problem, but not only is he a better than average driver, this track is narrower. I simply couldn't find a way past here.
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Good work David! Keep the pressure on him!"
I brought Kyoko along. I didn't need any help, but I wanted the woman I love by my side. Thinking back, that was a genuinely stupid idea, what if I crash?
"He's faster in the corners, but I'm fast enough to make up for that on the straights. I just need a long enough straight, and one wide enough..."
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Oh! Here!"
My prayers have been answered. I put my foot down, and pulled along side him.
Oh. Wait.
Wall.
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Well, you can get it next time! Don't lose hope yet!"
"I never lose hope."
This had rather thrown a wrench in the works. I was planning on executing a First Lap Finisher, then doing the time attack later. Looks like I'll have to forgo that.
Oh. Straight.
"Kyoko, I love you."
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Wah! That came out of nowhere!"
Eh. Didn't quite make it. Oh well, the uphill bit here is a straight too. I took the lead here.
Erm, or here.
"Now is the time to end my discontent."
I drove. I drove hard. I pulled every last bit of power out of this car now, and I am going to beat that time.
And across the line!
"
Yay! We won! Think we managed to do it?"
"We did two chapters ago... Oh, you mean the time trial? Yeah, I think so."
We pulled the car over to the side of the road, and a race adviser came up.
"
You beat the time attack as well."
"I thought I would. By how much?"
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Your time was 1:41.32."
"Uh, really?"
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Yep."
Wha...?
"You did it!"
Kyoko kissed me. Again, to hear my feelings about it, please- actually, no. A kiss is manly too.
We drove to the house after getting my money, and Andrea was there to greet me.
"
I don't know how you managed it, but you got nearly 1:40. Congrats!"
"Thanks, though it's not that impressive."
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Kurt's time in a similar car is 1:42.11. You're already beaten his time. Be proud."
Wow, maybe I really can beat this guy. Cool.
"
Alright, the next guy is a fellow called Miss Butch. He, or rather, she, is a transvestite."
"Uh. Okay. My father used to hang around some pretty weird ass people."
"
You're telling me. Well, she is scheduled for a race back at Grand Valley, in France. It'll be a quick jump over to challenge Kurt too."
"Am I set for a race against him?"
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Yes you are. Her."
"It."
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Do I get to speak?"
"No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
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No."
No.
======
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He beat your time. 1:41.32 around Aria."
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And he was in a Renault?! I can't believe it!"
I posted that time when I was in my prime! It can't be... He is from Seattle... He has to be his child. There is no doubt about it. I need to race him directly first, then the truth will come out.
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Is Butch going to be racing him?"
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He's secured a place in the grid with her. I can't see why not."
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This may be my chance to see him up close. Ready the anti-gay beam."
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Yes sir."
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Another thing."
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Yes sir?"
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Ready the GT."
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Yes sir."
"
Muahaha. MUAHAHA. MUUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" *cough* *hack* *bleed* *intestines*
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End of chapter 27.