- 3,704
Name on Kenedy that has died of natrual causes
Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,414 views
- 1,795
Somehow I don't think that's the best timing/placement for an "opendriver19aName on Kenedy that has died of natrual causes
"
- 3,704
I think your right....3-Wheel DriveSomehow I don't think that's the best timing/placement for an "
- 3,746
Juse read in the Diary that when some students were at Strathclyde Uni back in the day, they used to get the PA announcer to read out announcements similar to Bart phoning Moe's Tavern in The Simpsons.
A particularly funny one was:
"The Mono Testicular Society are holding their ball tonight."
A particularly funny one was:
"The Mono Testicular Society are holding their ball tonight."
- 29,372
- Glasgow
- GTP_Mars
amp88
I must apologise to you for shamelessly stealing this joke last night - but it did get by far the biggest laugh of the evening 👍amp88
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoooooo Hoooooooo what a ride".
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoooooo Hoooooooo what a ride".
- 38,951
- Application hell
- MP-Omnis
We went to this pub after dinner for my uncle's birthday and my uncle told me about this story that happened to his friend Steve. I thought I'd share Steve's story with you guys.
So, Steve's at some airport bar. He's an air traffic supervisor guy, so he's all over the place. Anyway, there are these three guys speaking this language that he'd never heard before. So, the three guys got some beer, and the waitress came by and she had an AWESOME rack.
The guys get their beer, and then one of the guys says something in their language, and the other guys start laughing and stuff. So, later, when everyone's finishing up and stuff, Steve goes over to the guy and asks him, "Hey, I don't mean to be nosey, but what language is that that you're speaking? I don't think I've heard it before."
My uncle couldn't remember if it was dutch or afrikaans, but, anyway, it was one of the two.
So, Steve is like, "Okay, cool. Oh, and one more thing... What did you say that made your friends laugh like that?"
and, the guy replies, "Oh, haha, I said, 'I should've had the milk.'"
HAHAHA
So, Steve's at some airport bar. He's an air traffic supervisor guy, so he's all over the place. Anyway, there are these three guys speaking this language that he'd never heard before. So, the three guys got some beer, and the waitress came by and she had an AWESOME rack.
The guys get their beer, and then one of the guys says something in their language, and the other guys start laughing and stuff. So, later, when everyone's finishing up and stuff, Steve goes over to the guy and asks him, "Hey, I don't mean to be nosey, but what language is that that you're speaking? I don't think I've heard it before."
My uncle couldn't remember if it was dutch or afrikaans, but, anyway, it was one of the two.
So, Steve is like, "Okay, cool. Oh, and one more thing... What did you say that made your friends laugh like that?"
and, the guy replies, "Oh, haha, I said, 'I should've had the milk.'"
HAHAHA
Evolution.
(Banned)
- 3,722
*crickets chirp*
- 3,534
- London
yea, it either was that i didnt get it or that it wasnt that funny....
- 4,522
- TwinTurboJay
OmnisWe went to this pub after dinner for my uncle's birthday and my uncle told me about this story that happened to his friend Steve. I thought I'd share Steve's story with you guys.
So, Steve's at some airport bar. He's an air traffic supervisor guy, so he's all over the place. Anyway, there are these three guys speaking this language that he'd never heard before. So, the three guys got some beer, and the waitress came by and she had an AWESOME rack.
The guys get their beer, and then one of the guys says something in their language, and the other guys start laughing and stuff. So, later, when everyone's finishing up and stuff, Steve goes over to the guy and asks him, "Hey, I don't mean to be nosey, but what language is that that you're speaking? I don't think I've heard it before."
My uncle couldn't remember if it was dutch or afrikaans, but, anyway, it was one of the two.
So, Steve is like, "Okay, cool. Oh, and one more thing... What did you say that made your friends laugh like that?"
and, the guy replies, "Oh, haha, I said, 'I should've had the milk.'"
HAHAHA
Omnis, I don't mean to be harsh'n on your joke budd-eh, but damn, that was alot to read for such a small pay-off...
- 4,522
- TwinTurboJay
boobs = milkGeorge Morley
- 24,127
- Scarfolk
- Grim10
- Are you kidding?
Must be Canadian...
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”
“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.
“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”
“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.
“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.
- 176
GW Bush is sitting in his daily morning meeting, the prime minister of Argentina busts into his office and starts yelling at Mr. Bush "Something has to be done about the situation in my country, it is getting out of hand, yesterday three Brazilian solders were killed, this is uncalled for!" The president starts sobbing, and crying. Everyone in the meeting is just staring at the president, wondering what his problem is. As soon as he stops crying, he turns to Cheney and asks "How many is a Brazilian again?"
- 1,795
A priest, a nun, a rabbi, an Englishman, and an Irishman all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and asks, "What is this? A joke?"
- 176
How many George Bushs does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.
What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? A: Second grade.
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."
How can you tell if George W. Bush is lying? His lips are moving.
What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? A: Second grade.
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."
How can you tell if George W. Bush is lying? His lips are moving.
- 176
thats like 3,000,000,000,000,000 right?
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