I rarely post on here much anymore, but considering I joined more than seven years ago, I figured it's worth making a post about. Maybe I need to post here more, even if I don't Gran Turismo as much as I used to.
There's a few members here who I talk to regularly, and a few more sparingly, who already know what happened, but for the rest, here it is. I say that not intended in a demeaningful way.
Shortly after the past Christmas, my mom died of essentially unknown reasons. In October, she was in a terrible car accident involving an 18-wheeler, and although not present (I was at work, and was unable to leave) I saw only one way the accident could have happened; positioning, speed, etc, after seeing the car. I saw the police report in early December with the incident diagram depicting exactly what I had imagined. From the beginning (after hearing my dad saying she was in an accident), for some reason my first instinct was suicide. He disagreed with me 100%. As morbid as it may sound, I think that, although diagnosed and hearing my mom tell others she was not depressed, I feel like I know that shortly after I was born, it was the beginning of the end. There were a multitude of health problems that arose in her including thyroid shutdown, fibromyalgia, a recent onset of possible Parkinsons, overperscription of pain meds, and to be honest, a feeling of worthlessness that was brought during these last 20 years, that I did nothing but contribute to excluding 2018.
I wanted an autopsy done to see if it could have possibly been cardiac related, sleep apnea, etc. Something along those lines. To condense a long story into a couple sentences, I'm a manager at a Texas-started restaurant and predominately work nights; this particular night (12/28), I got off at 4am, having to stay late and had to report an incident regarding a gun being pulled by a customer. I woke up around 11am and had to get a couple things taken care of before I went in again at 5pm. My dad had asked me to check on my mom beforehand; she was snoring, and didn't want to bother her, so I set out. I got back around 3pm and checked on her then because she wasn't snoring. I called her and no response; I touched her hand and already knew but called 911 because I didn't know what else to do.
The first few days were tough. Really, really tough. I was sleeping a lot. I'd sleep my normal time, then later i'd try and take a nap and wake up 5 or 6 hours later. Just for sakes, it's worth mentioning I asked for literally one thing during the first week; before my nap on 12/31, I essentially cried myself to sleep and asked God for a beautiful sunset. I've had my ins-and-outs regarding religion in my life but these last three years, i've been considering and 'studying' it. I woke up from my nap and went out to buy some fireworks and alcohol and pulling in to my house, and only in my street in particular, I noticed the ground was red and not gray. I looked to the north of our house and saw some nice cloud formations and nice, red colors; I got in the backyard and looked past the trees to the northwest and man, i'm not posting the picture for attention purposes, but it was something else. I had my dad come out to see it but still haven't told or talked to him the importance of that night until he read about it on a FB post; two weeks after the fact.
So back to the autopsy; although I wanted one, and offered my dad to cover the expenses, he didn't want one done. As much as I wanted one, both him and my mom knew how much into facts I was, I honored his wishes and we didn't get an autopsy done. During the discussion it was basically him saying, "I really don't want to know if she killed herself." I get it. She had been in so much pain for so long. Because of the government shutdown, she still hasn't been cremated. Funeral home said something about death certificates, etc etc but i'm calling them tomorrow after they open ahead of time so i can see the body again, basically to confirm they still have it. My dad wants to spread the ashes over many places, but I haven't really heard of that before, so i was hesitant; a couple places, sure. Further research says it isn't too much of a disturbance of peace and what not, so i'm on board now.
I've battled my own depression before. I've battled alcoholism before. I've wondered before what it would be like, multiple times, if I was not in existence. Today was a productive day; I reserved my Uhaul truck for my apartment move in next Tuesday, that I signed for two weeks ago; I started moving a lot of boxes into the garage, where I had been keeping the furniture for three weeks; I bought new shoes, I started looking to get internet set up ahead of time, I already signed up for electricity to start the day before I move in. Unknown to anyone before this post, simply because I don't think it really means a lot, was the first time in my life I actually considered killing myself.
It lasted a short while. Maybe thirty minutes. I keep a .40 cal handgun downstairs in case someone decided to break in; the magazine is kept outside the gun. I never touched the gun today. But I actually thought about it, for the first time. I was crying uncontrollably. The music drowned out the tears and sobbing. It does again, right now. Last Wednesday I drank a whole bottle of Jager in three hours. It was also the first night I drove while even remotely intoxicated since 2015. It was so i could buy more alcohol. Emotionally, didn't really feel much, except for praying that I didn't encounter much traffic. Right now I'm at a third of a bottle since 2pm, plus three beers as chasers, essentially. I have nowhere to go tonight except bed. I woke up at 12.
edit- I forgot to mention I haven't forgone any kind of therapy. my own therapy has been writing poems. essentially nothing else.
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