Depression and Anxiety Thread

[Michael88]

Interestingly, the condition that seems to resemble yours (ulcerative colitis, at least going from the information you've provided and my limited knowledge) may have seasonal variation:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3870560/

https://sciencenorway.no/climate-di...limate-can-explain-intestinal-trouble/1397209

An interesting read, thanks. Due to the current circumstances, I can actually rule out some factors. For example, respiratory infections causing a relapse, I have been doing severe isolation due to the Covid outbreak since spring, using respiratory protection religiously. The last cough/cold I had was ten years ago or so. The isolation would also rule out infections with bacteria and viruses contracted from other people.

This time my relapse is really bad, and there were a few things special in this year (besides covid) Climatically, the summer was very short, wet and temperatures declined way quicker than in the last couple years. This year I also stayed indoors much more than in the previous years, I usually do lots of mountain climbing and hiking - not this year though. Eating might also be a factor, 2020 I tried to eat as LITTLE diverse as possible to rule out problematic foods causing my condition. All I ate was rice, potatoes, meat, fish and a little chocolate (magnesium), no spices no sauces, no nothing. Apparently, that did not help.

Those realizations will all be incorporated into my 2021 self-restoration plan. I'll move into the city, eat more diverse (but still healthily), be physically more active outdoors, start climbing and hiking again. Maybe it will help depression and my condition. At least I need to try.

There seems to be a connection between being vit D deficiency and depression.

I guess most dramatic vitamin deficiencies lead to depression and weakened health eventually.

 

[kikie]

I guess most dramatic vitamin deficiencies lead to depression and weakened health eventually.

I mean, specialists say that it is directly related to depression and not a general vitamin deficiency.

 

[W3H5]

I mean, specialists say that it is directly related to depression and not a general vitamin deficiency.

I’ve heard this many times before. I must say that I find it to be somewhat true in my case.

 

[Michael88]

I’ve heard this many times before. I must say that I find it to be somewhat true in my case.

You have a Vitamin-D deficiency despite living in Thailand? That problem is usually reserved to people living in the colder climates -

 

[W3H5]

You have a Vitamin-D deficiency despite living in Thailand? That problem is usually reserved to people living in the colder climates -

I had it when living in London. The first few years here I bounced through without even a hint of depression. Not even medicated.

 

[kikie]

You have a Vitamin-D deficiency despite living in Thailand? That problem is usually reserved to people living in the colder climates -

Not true. People living in countries with tropical climates have a Vit D deficiency as well because it is so hot in those countries that they prefer to stay indoors or cover their bodies to protect against the brutal sun.

EDIT: also people with darker skin need to be much longer in the sun than people with fair/light skin.

 

[W3H5]

Not true. People living in countries with tropical climates have a Vit D deficiency as well because it is so hot in those countries that they prefer to stay indoors or cover their bodies to protect against the brutal sun.

EDIT: also people with darker skin need to be much longer in the sun than people with fair/light skin.

I have neither problem; I spend plenty of time in the sun and have translucent white skin.

Saying that, I do now have quite a few worrying patches on my skin that might be cancerous.

 

[JohnBM01]

I hope you all get to celebrate Christmas time safely and happily. Be sure to get help or use any available methods if you are depressed or anxious this time of year.

 

[kikie]

Spoiler: Very negative post, rant, complaining about myself. Don't read if you want to stay happy.

10 months and still not depression free. This is the longest time I have been in a depression. It is .
Suicide thoughts/feelings were very strong yesterday and today and had to fight hard against these thoughts/feelings. Luckily these feelings went away this afternoon.

I have only one person to blame and that is myself. Last Saturday I started taking Temesta again (crisis here at my home), low dosage the first two days. Monday and Tuesday I took more. As I have told this before, I believe it was last year (?), when I take benzodiazepines I always relapse big time. Even though it is obvious, I still have doubts that it's a benzo problem. Maybe it is the depression that makes me doubt and makes stupid and wrong decisions? I don't know anymore. I was doing better last week but my situation here at home is very difficult and that makes it even harder. My father is also depressed but not all the time and 7 years ago he became disabled and has been in a lot of pain since then. I see this all the time, I mean that he is suffering a lot. I have nobody to help me because I'm an only child and I lost my mother many years ago. Luckily I have support from my cousins and nieces. They worry about me which I don't understand why and call from time to time to see how everything is with me and my father (their uncle ).
Even when I'm severely depressed, like the last two days, I still have to take care of my father, do groceries, see if he takes his medicines, make lunch, which is most of the time impossible. Also a huge problem is his brain. He had 8 major operations (surgery) between March 2012 and December 2015. The anesthesia didn't do any good. He had a few hospital confusions (I don't know how to call it in English) and hallucinated all the time when in hospital. His short term memory is shot and sometimes he asks questions, which he should know the answer to and sounds like a little boy. Luckily he is not like this all the time.
After 7 years I found out that there is a relation between him being confused and the painkiller he sometimes took (combination of paracetamol and Tramadol). It is the Tramadol that messed up his brain and he got very confused (this was one of the crises last week that made me take Temesta again). I hope I can eat a little bit today.
Life sucks and I truly hope that I die rather young instead of getting old and suffer all this time.

I'm very sorry for the negative rant, it is Christmas and I should be enjoying myself. It helps to write it down though. I'm aware that a depressed and anxious person like me is someone you like to stay away from, in person and online.

I'll try to stay active on GTP but it is hard when I'm feeling terrible but I have managed to do so these last 10 months. I can't even think properly and struggle to write this post in English.

 

[JohnBM01]

Just because a new year is upon us doesn't mean the world's problems from the previous year will magically go away. It just means a new year brings new hope. It may even bring pleasant surprises that you may not see coming. So remain hopeful and always make the most of each day moving forward.

Just like any year- don't let depression or anxiety win.

 

[GTboyz]

My anxiety and depression is joining forces with my alcohol consumption so 2021 might be worse after all.

 

[W3H5]

My anxiety and depression is joining forces with my alcohol consumption so 2021 might be worse after all.

I found these two factors to be a vicious cycle. The more I drank, the more anxious I felt which led to depression and thus drinking more to ‘pick myself up’.
I’ve always been of the view that life is dull when I’m sober but really it’s just normal. When I’m drinking I think I’m eradicating the boredom but I’m just numbing the pain of existence instead of embracing it.

 

[GTboyz]

I found these two factors to be a vicious cycle. The more I drank, the more anxious I felt which led to depression and thus drinking more to ‘pick myself up’.
I’ve always been of the view that life is dull when I’m sober but really it’s just normal. When I’m drinking I think I’m eradicating the boredom but I’m just numbing the pain of existence instead of embracing it.

I think I'm just really afraid of embracing it. I also feel like a better nicer person when I'm drunk which makes me sound like a big jerk.

 

[W3H5]

I think I'm just really afraid of embracing it. I also feel like a better nicer person when I'm drunk which makes me sound like a big jerk.

I catagorically can state that I am a big jerk when I’m drunk. Life’s scary, man, no doubt. If your drinking for escapism (to feel a different way) then be careful as that leads down a dangerous path. I don’t know how far invested you are into drinking but I’ve seen it rip apart lives, including my own, when it gets heavy, so choose carefully.

 

[Michael88]

Strange how differently people react to drugs and alcohol. I only drink alcohol because of the taste, and only very rarely, like a good quality beer or a glass of rum watching my favorite TV show once every two weeks or so.

Thing is, when I drink alcohol to the extend it alters my perception and my behavior, (getting drunk) it amplifies my bad thoughts, worries and troubles. I always get so sad and miserable when I drink on parties or festivities that my friends ask me what's wrong with me, and I have a hard trying to act like I'm supposed to, funny and lighthearted. I don't get aggressive, happy, stupid or anything else, I stay that way until I am so intoxicated I keel over.

Which is not a bad thing I guess, otherwise I would resort to alcohol to dull my problems.

On the other hand, a high quality south American cigar, a churchill-format or bigger, calms me tremendously. Such cigar has the nicotine dosage of about 50 cigarettes and works wonders on my mood for hours. I feel relaxed, troubles seem far more minor than before AND I am not intoxicated like when drunk.

 

[GTboyz]

I catagorically can state that I am a big jerk when I’m drunk. Life’s scary, man, no doubt. If your drinking for escapism (to feel a different way) then be careful as that leads down a dangerous path. I don’t know how far invested you are into drinking but I’ve seen it rip apart lives, including my own, when it gets heavy, so choose carefully.

No doubt. I can say that I'm a bit far as the thought of drinking pops up everytime I feel just a bit... Pressed.

I could say I relapsed really hard this time since I had been able to be sober before and at least controlled my intake.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Spoiler: Very negative post, rant, complaining about myself. Don't read if you want to stay happy.

10 months and still not depression free. This is the longest time I have been in a depression. It is .
Suicide thoughts/feelings were very strong yesterday and today and had to fight hard against these thoughts/feelings. Luckily these feelings went away this afternoon.

I have only one person to blame and that is myself. Last Saturday I started taking Temesta again (crisis here at my home), low dosage the first two days. Monday and Tuesday I took more. As I have told this before, I believe it was last year (?), when I take benzodiazepines I always relapse big time. Even though it is obvious, I still have doubts that it's a benzo problem. Maybe it is the depression that makes me doubt and makes stupid and wrong decisions? I don't know anymore. I was doing better last week but my situation here at home is very difficult and that makes it even harder. My father is also depressed but not all the time and 7 years ago he became disabled and has been in a lot of pain since then. I see this all the time, I mean that he is suffering a lot. I have nobody to help me because I'm an only child and I lost my mother many years ago. Luckily I have support from my cousins and nieces. They worry about me which I don't understand why and call from time to time to see how everything is with me and my father (their uncle ).
Even when I'm severely depressed, like the last two days, I still have to take care of my father, do groceries, see if he takes his medicines, make lunch, which is most of the time impossible. Also a huge problem is his brain. He had 8 major operations (surgery) between March 2012 and December 2015. The anesthesia didn't do any good. He had a few hospital confusions (I don't know how to call it in English) and hallucinated all the time when in hospital. His short term memory is shot and sometimes he asks questions, which he should know the answer to and sounds like a little boy. Luckily he is not like this all the time.
After 7 years I found out that there is a relation between him being confused and the painkiller he sometimes took (combination of paracetamol and Tramadol). It is the Tramadol that messed up his brain and he got very confused (this was one of the crises last week that made me take Temesta again). I hope I can eat a little bit today.
Life sucks and I truly hope that I die rather young instead of getting old and suffer all this time.

I'm very sorry for the negative rant, it is Christmas and I should be enjoying myself. It helps to write it down though. I'm aware that a depressed and anxious person like me is someone you like to stay away from, in person and online.

I'll try to stay active on GTP but it is hard when I'm feeling terrible but I have managed to do so these last 10 months. I can't even think properly and struggle to write this post in English.

Are you studying or working or a full time carer?

Sometimes things can give purpose to life and focus the mind away from depressive thoughts.

How has the Temesta use been since this post?

 

[kikie]

Are you studying or working or a full time carer?

Sometimes things can give purpose to life and focus the mind away from depressive thoughts.

How has the Temesta use been since this post?

I'm not allowed to work due to me relapsing all the time (every 3 years).

I've used Temesta (actually Lorazepam (Ativan)) with every depression but not as much as in 2017 and 2020 (Temesta expidet). I know since 2017 (found out myself by thinking and reasoning about my depressions/anxiety) that Temesta is to blame for making my depressions much worse than it had to be without Temesta. Also, Temesta creates a lot of anxiety.

Problem is that when I'm in hell and suffering big time you want it to stop so you take Temesta. Although last year, I managed a few times to not touch Temesta for a long period of time, which is even more hellish. But I gathered all my willpower and managed to stay off it. Don't forget, I was depressed all day long from when I wake up until around 10 or 11 pm (until I started to get better). So I stay up late to enjoy (literally) two hours of feeling normal. These last two hours were always my rescue because when I went to bed, the suicidal, compelling thoughts/feelings were always gone.


I still have quite the collection of Benzos left over from all those years. I also have Lysanxia.

 

[HenrySwanson]

That's interesting that you use it when you have the depressive episodes - is it for a specific type of anxiety?

 

[kikie]

That's interesting that you use it when you have the depressive episodes - is it for a specific type of anxiety?

Me?

Temesta is a tranquilizer for calming down get rid of anxiety and feel normal during depressions.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Me?

Temesta is a tranquilizer for calming down get rid of anxiety and feel normal during depressions.

Was just wondering how good it was for depression. I've seen it prescribed mainly for anxiety so was interested in how useful you find it.

 

[kikie]

Was just wondering how good it was for depression. I've seen it prescribed mainly for anxiety so was interested in how useful you find it.

It is only used in case of emergency. It is not for daily use.

 

[HenrySwanson]

It is only used in case of emergency. It is not for daily use.

Sounds like you're suffering pretty badly at the moment if you're having to use them more frequently. Does anything relieve the depression, even if only for a few hours? Maybe try something small that can act as an escape, whether it's exercise or watching a Youtube channel, and build from there day by day. Even venting here or other more specialised (for mental health problems) boards might help.

Really sorry to hear that this relapse has been so long/severe.

 

[kikie]

Sounds like you're suffering pretty badly at the moment if you're having to use them more frequently. Does anything relieve the depression, even if only for a few hours? Maybe try something small that can act as an escape, whether it's exercise or watching a Youtube channel, and build from there day by day. Even venting here or other more specialised (for mental health problems) boards might help.

Really sorry to hear that this relapse has been so long/severe.

I'm still moderately depressed every day but it gets better in the afternoon. Right now, when writing this post, I'm depression free and feel good and normal.
Yes I can relieve the depression for a few hours but that is the problem. I have to take Temesta/Lorazepam/Ativan to relieve the depression for a few hours. Because I was severely depressed every day until I went to bed, I had to take Temesta every day but by doing so I got more depressed and got very anxious. It was a vicious circle that I managed to get out by not taking Temesta anymore and had to use all my willpower to stay away from Temesta and go through the agony of depression/suicidal thoughts and anxiety every day. The half-time of Temesta is 3 and a half days.

When I'm depressed like last year (10 months) it was nearly impossible to browse the internet or watch TV. When I did, the concentration made me even more depressed. I literally felt the stress going up significantly. The only thing I could do was lying on the couch (for at least 9 months) with earplugs and an eye mask because I couldn't stand anything. Every single thing that I heard, saw, felt was too much and triggered anxiety.

I still wonder how it is possible that I managed this for almost 10 months. There were some episodes, e.g. July, that I was actually almost depression free (because I stopped taking Temesta, a psychiatrist said I had to stop taking it. She called it poison. ). At the end of July I started taking Temesta again, 3mg a day and relapse about 9 days later. I came from 4.5mg a day. In 2017 I took 6 mg a day and when I stopped (reduced the dosage over a period of 6 months) I got better very quickly because I took a high dosage of Sertraline/Zoloft all these months.

I have proven that I react paradoxically when taking benzos. At least one of the 8 very severe depressions and especially the anxiety was caused because of taking Temesta when I was depression free. The other depressions got worse and worse because of Temesta.

The worst thing was that I still had to do groceries because I have to take care of my father. Thinking about going to the grocery store was hell, going was even worse. Many times I called the grocery store to tell them that I wasn't able to come and pick up the things I ordered. I went the next day because I had to. This went on for months.

I kept my pyjamas on, put on sweatpants and a hoodie and went to the grocery store.


I'm seeing a psychologist at last. I had to cancel three appointments last year (October, November and one in December) because I was way too depressed. I haven't checked myself but you probably can check my posting history to see when I was able to post on GTP.

 

[W3H5]

Benzodiazepines are seriously dangerous when used over the long term. Beware of those.

 

[kikie]

I have no idea what is happening to me. Yesterday afternoon and evening I was actually really good but now I am back to where I was last year. It 2 pm and still struggling to feel better. I wonder if the antidepressant that helped me all those years stopped working or is less efficient. It is almost 11 months now. I usually am better after 4 - 5 months.

I went to the grocery store at 9 am to get my father's pastry I ordered last evening. Maybe it was too much.

BTW I did a thing that I'm not supposed to do. I took 0.5 mg Temesta. Only one time won't hurt. If I should take it at least for 3 - 4 days, I'm back to being depressed all day long.

 

[HenrySwanson]

It is unfortunate that Temesta is giving you depression and anxiety - maybe you need a change of the antidepressants. Have you booked an appointment with the psychologist?

 

[kikie]

It is unfortunate that Temesta is giving you depression and anxiety - maybe you need a change of the antidepressants. Have you booked an appointment with the psychologist?

Yes, next week. But I'm not sure if I can go. The 0.5 mg of yesterday has its toll. It is 4:45 pm and I'm barely capable of using the computer but I'll manage.

 

[HenrySwanson]

Yes, next week. But I'm not sure if I can go. The 0.5 mg of yesterday has its toll. It is 4:45 pm and I'm barely capable of using the computer but I'll manage.

Not sure you can go because of how you're feeling or practical difficulties?

 

[kikie]

Not sure you can go because of how you're feeling or practical difficulties?

Because of the way I feel, which is a practical difficulty.