You must have know that there was something wrong. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and that I didn't behave "normal" in certain circumstances. I always looked at other people, compared myself with them and asked myself why I was afraid to do certain things other people didn't seem to bother. Or why I would do something differently. Some people will tell you that what you do isn't "normal".
In your case, you probably knew there was something wrong, I guess. Well even if you didn't know what was "normal" and what was a symptom, a doctor would have found out if you started telling what you're "feelings" are, what is bothering you.
So if you start getting hit by depression when you're six because your parents drop you in a foreign country with no support network, you really have no reference for what "normal" should be. If you try to ask parents, teachers and other adults and they simply tell you that everyone feels like you do, you tend to believe them. Because you're six. And how would you know otherwise.
So by the time you get to your teens and actually have enough life experience that you might have been able to pick up on some of your symptoms being abnormal, you've got 5+ years of authority figures telling you that it's just how it is and 5+ years of experience of just living with it. You've got parents writing it off as not a problem, and just something you have to deal with. You've got doctors and counsellors saying that it's just how kids are and you'll grow out of it. You've got teachers who frankly have way more on their plate and have no real chance of discriminating depression from a kid who is just a pain in the neck. And to be honest, I'm pretty sure a couple of the teachers did pick it and did their best, but they can't do much when my parents refuse to recognise what's going on.
So by the time you're an adult this is pretty strongly trained into you that this is just how people are, and that you simply deal with it less well than others. That, and it's been pretty strongly trained into you not to complain about it and that nobody else will help. Keep in mind also that everyone doesn't get taught as a child exactly what depression is. Unless you or someone you know suffers then you've got a reasonable chance of thinking that it's chronic sadness.
Of course, my dad did suffer and simply chose not to tell any of us. Or take any action despite knowing that it has a genetic component, and that I was going through a lot of BS in my childhood that any halfway decent psychologist would have immediately called risk for depression.
And so it takes a semi-professional gamer who I follow to almost commit suicide for me to become aware of depression. The guy's life seems pretty OK by most people's standards, yet "depression" makes him almost kill himself. This doesn't fit with what I understood as depression. I read more. I learn about symptoms and how it really makes people feel from people who have suffered, rather than the stereotypical model that gets shown on sitcoms.
So I notice that actually this largely describes me for the last 25 years. Talking with some of my better friends and asking the right questions, it turns out that no, everyone else does not go through what I did. I got the perfect storm of susceptible genetics, a childhood that was pretty rough, parents who didn't really give a 🤬 and a community of people around me that either missed it or were in no position to be able to help. The laundry list of stuff that makes my life difficult is 90% depression and anxiety symptoms, and whenever something goes wrong in my life (like losing four jobs in four years to arseholes trying to steal my money and screw me over) it comes out full force.
And so because this was all trained into me from the age of six, yeah, it took lists symptoms and it all being spelled out to me on the internet. Without that I'd still be thinking I was just having a rough time like everyone else does when life gives you lemons. You can only know what you're taught, and if you have your whole childhood being taught that your "problems" are not problems, how are you supposed to know any different?
Maybe for you, you always knew something was wrong. Some of us were unlucky enough to have a community surrounding us that went to rather extraordinary lengths to convince us that our mental illness was normal and that everyone else was the same, that there was no need to change, that the fault was with us personally and that we just needed to suck it up and get on with life.
I think for those of us like that, having a list of things to look at is helpful. Being able to see my years of symptoms alongside something saying "this is an illness, there are treatments, go see a doctor and tell them about it" was a :censored:ing breakthrough.
Had the internet been commonplace when I was a teenager, I might have dodged a lot of it. Probably not though, because I probably wouldn't have known to start looking. How does a blind person know that there's such a thing as sight unless someone else tells them about it?
Gonna quote this from somewhere else on GTP because no one really responded to what i said.
What's the drug they've got you on?
Anti-depressants can have all sorts of side effects on different people, but you shouldn't have to live with one like that. There are lots of different drugs, so you can keep trying until you find one that is more compatible with your body or has side effects that you find less objectionable.
I recommend going back and talking to your doctor. Be clear that this is very distressing. The doctor may say that it will go away with time. They may recommend changing to something else. They may tell you that it's simply something you have to deal with.
If it's the latter, it may be true but I'd get a second opinion. I've been burnt with a doctor telling me that before, while a better doctor suggested an alternative that quickly resolved the problem and gave me a much better quality of life. Not to imply that your first doctor isn't doing the best job that they can, it may even be that there's another solution out there that they're not aware of. Depression is a pretty hot topic in medical science at the moment, and there's a lot of progress being made.
Don't be shy about talking about these things with your doctor. They may seem trivial, but they're not. Firstly, it's important for the doctor to understand how your body is reacting to the drugs. Secondly, fighting depression is hard enough work all by itself. You don't need to be fighting major side effects at the same time, you need something that helps you be the best you can be (given the situation).
And yes, the extended time to "produce" is a common side effect of these types of drugs. Some will do it to a greater or lesser extent, but it's almost always there. Unfortunately. As my doctor said, it's an important way for a lot of people to relax and destress, and having that unavailable can be very distressing in and of itself. Try not to worry about it, and enjoy yourself when you can. It's not a permanent thing, if and when you come off the drugs you'll return to normal "functionality".
Why? Because I didn't know better and all the information I found was wrong and made me worry even more. It took me 3 months to sink in a severe depression from mental exhaustion. Now after 11 years, I still have to recover from this ordeal. I know better now, if there is something that worries me, don't go searching the internet for answer because 9 times out of 10, the information you find is wrong and can make things worse.
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