Jokes!!
- Thread starter DQuaN
- 4,703 comments
- 725,430 views
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
- 4,716
- Indiana
- CWM_Spirit
What My Mom Taught Me...
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Mom taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Sage Ages
(Banned)
- 12,817
- Antarctica
It's not funny if it doesn't make sense.
Critics will be like what?
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
Oh lord!A friend of mine told me that he was gonna get married to a loaf of bread (No idea why)
So I told him to be careful cause he might get a yeast infection
I always feel like I'm married with my Glaceon Plushy. I guess when you get obsessed with a inanimate object you end up feeling like your married with it.
- 35,430
- Downtown North Dakota
- Cy-Fi
Things like this are why no one believes you're 17.Oh lord!
I always feel like I'm married with my Glaceon Plushy. I guess when you get obsessed with a inanimate object you end up feeling like your married with it.
- 15,460
- Orange County, NY
- GTP_GT916
- Nii916
Are you okay?Oh lord!
I always feel like I'm married with my Glaceon Plushy. I guess when you get obsessed with a inanimate object you end up feeling like your married with it.
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
Yes I am. It was just a saying.
@TB no offence but don't you think the same can be said with what Brutaka just said. If not please give me an explanation.
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Not a popular one, at that...
Aaaanyway...
3 AM. Wife wakes up looks over, her husband's not there. She puts on her robe goes downstairs to find her husband bawling his eyes out with a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the table.
"Honey what's wrong?!"
"Nothing darling..."
"Are you okay?!?! Are the kids okay?! What happened?!"
"The kids are fine darling... nothing's wrong."
"Well... why are you crying...?"
"Remember when we were young and madly in love?"
"Oh yes. Those were some good times..."
"Yeah... remember when we did it in the car?"
"Oh stop it you.. that was a loong time ago"
"Yeah.... remember when your father caught us?"
"Hahaha yes! That was so embarrassing!"
"Yeah... you know what he told me?"
"What?"
"Marry my daughter or spend 20 years in jail."
"Haha come on honey, he was just joking..."
"Yeah.... I would've been a free man today."
RocZX
Premium
- 8,849
- New York
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
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I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
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A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
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A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
- 15,994
- United Kingdom
- haitch40
- Xbox?
That was a joke. Aka the thread title. The punch line was the yeast infection.
You sounded rather serious though.
Anyway.
What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
So as to what I said. Incase you didn't notice, Brutaka did a joke where he said that his friend was going to get married with a load of bread. So I made a joke that sounded a bit similar to what Brutaka said. Getting married with non living items. I don't understand why you didn't get the joke if it's something you already understand.
Just thinking about this reminds me of that kid in my school that hates my jokes regardless if I made a joke that is similar to what he's saying. Not only does he hate my jokes but hates me in general.
(EDIT) I know that's not the joke you were talking about so sorry to confuse you.
Looks like we are not alone.
- 15,994
- United Kingdom
- haitch40
- Xbox?
THE JOKE WASN'T GETTING MARRIED TO THE BREAD. THE JOKE WAS GETTING A YEAST INFECTION FROM SAID BREAD HOW MANY TIMES???????????????????
And calm.
- 1,552
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- ScorchingAngel01
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Three thieves enter the king's castle. Each thief takes what they can and one-by-one, they go down the stairs towards the window.
The first thief slowly descends. He brushes the sack against the wall, causing a rustle.
The king wakes up from his slumber. "WHO GOES THERE?!"
The thief, startled, freezes. "Meow!'
"It's just the cat...." the king sighed and went back to sleep.
The second thief then descends the stairs. He brushes past a chandelier. "Damn it!" he thinks to himself.
"WHO GOES THERE?!" demands the king.
"Meow!"
"Oh it's just the stupid cat...." the king says.
The third thief now descends... he misses a step and goes tumbling down the stairs.
The king jumps up. "WHO GOES THERE?!'
"The cat!" moans the thief.
The first thief slowly descends. He brushes the sack against the wall, causing a rustle.
The king wakes up from his slumber. "WHO GOES THERE?!"
The thief, startled, freezes. "Meow!'
"It's just the cat...." the king sighed and went back to sleep.
The second thief then descends the stairs. He brushes past a chandelier. "Damn it!" he thinks to himself.
"WHO GOES THERE?!" demands the king.
"Meow!"
"Oh it's just the stupid cat...." the king says.
The third thief now descends... he misses a step and goes tumbling down the stairs.
The king jumps up. "WHO GOES THERE?!'
"The cat!" moans the thief.
- 2,308
- United States
- monkeylima
Why can guys sleep on their sides?
They have kickstands!
They have kickstands!
- 29,956
- Bratvegas
- GTP_Liquid
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllatysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
---
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
That’s a pretty good summer for Wales.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
---
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
That’s a pretty good summer for Wales.
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Guy goes for a job interview.
"Hello. This will be a short interview. Three oral questions in total. You answer them correctly, you get the job."
"Sounds great"
"Okay. First question: there's an object; it's relatively small, sharp at the end and has a flat surface at the top; you take said object and _____ into the wall with a hammer. What is this object?"
The guy thinks to himself. *It's a nail right? It has to be. What else could it be? But wait, what if it's some type of tack? What if it's something like...*
The guy thinks to himself for another couple of minutes.
The interviewer patiently waits; somewhat perplexed.
"I don't know" says the guy.
"It's a nail."
"Right! I knew it!"
*sigh* "Okay. Second question: there are two small objects; sharp at the end; they both have flat heads; and you take both of these objects and _____ into the wall with a hammer. What are said objects?"
The guy thinks to himself again. He has the right answer, but keeps doubting himself. Finally, the guy says
"I don't know."
The interviewer can't believe what he just heard. He decides to let it slide and moves onto the next question.
"It was two nails"
"I knew it!"
"Right. Last question: There is this long object; a tool; fairly thin and has sharp teeth on one side; two people use this to cut down a tree; it makes a "kshh shh shh" sound as it moves back and forth in a horizontal motion. What is this object?
"Three nails!"
O_O
"Get up, get out!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes in for a regular check up at the dentist's. After the appointment, he asks his dentist
"Listen doc, I've got a cousin who's been down my neck ever since he came into town. He's looking for a good dentist, and I was thinking of referring you. Is that okay with you?"
"Let me check my schedule. Yes I can see hik tomorrow morning at 9."
"Perfect! Thank you, doc!"
9 AM rolls around, secretary pages the dentist's office to let him know his 9 o'clock has showed up.
The cousin walks in.
"Hello sir. You must be my client's cousin."
*the cousin nods*
"Okay sir. Take a seat. Lean back. Open your mouth."
......
"Close your mouth. Get up. Get out."
The next day the guy shows up. "Doc! What happened! Why didn't you work on him?"
"He has no teeth!"
"Hello. This will be a short interview. Three oral questions in total. You answer them correctly, you get the job."
"Sounds great"
"Okay. First question: there's an object; it's relatively small, sharp at the end and has a flat surface at the top; you take said object and _____ into the wall with a hammer. What is this object?"
The guy thinks to himself. *It's a nail right? It has to be. What else could it be? But wait, what if it's some type of tack? What if it's something like...*
The guy thinks to himself for another couple of minutes.
The interviewer patiently waits; somewhat perplexed.
"I don't know" says the guy.
"It's a nail."
"Right! I knew it!"
*sigh* "Okay. Second question: there are two small objects; sharp at the end; they both have flat heads; and you take both of these objects and _____ into the wall with a hammer. What are said objects?"
The guy thinks to himself again. He has the right answer, but keeps doubting himself. Finally, the guy says
"I don't know."
The interviewer can't believe what he just heard. He decides to let it slide and moves onto the next question.
"It was two nails"
"I knew it!"
"Right. Last question: There is this long object; a tool; fairly thin and has sharp teeth on one side; two people use this to cut down a tree; it makes a "kshh shh shh" sound as it moves back and forth in a horizontal motion. What is this object?
"Three nails!"
O_O
"Get up, get out!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes in for a regular check up at the dentist's. After the appointment, he asks his dentist
"Listen doc, I've got a cousin who's been down my neck ever since he came into town. He's looking for a good dentist, and I was thinking of referring you. Is that okay with you?"
"Let me check my schedule. Yes I can see hik tomorrow morning at 9."
"Perfect! Thank you, doc!"
9 AM rolls around, secretary pages the dentist's office to let him know his 9 o'clock has showed up.
The cousin walks in.
"Hello sir. You must be my client's cousin."
*the cousin nods*
"Okay sir. Take a seat. Lean back. Open your mouth."
......
"Close your mouth. Get up. Get out."
The next day the guy shows up. "Doc! What happened! Why didn't you work on him?"
"He has no teeth!"
Last edited:
- 2,938
- Shrewsbury
- pezzarinho17
^ I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't understand them...
- 8,847
- Ottawa
- Automotive_Buff
Guess I shouldn't translate folk jokes. Lesson learned. 👍
- 6,658
- Marietta, GA
- Dagger31198
In the second question, the real correct answer is two nails. You don't use a hammer for screws.
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