Jokes!!

[Team THRT Drift]

Yep. I screwed up the joke when I used the wrong terminology for the second and third questions. It was 2 AM

 

[Adamgp]

You don't use a hammer for screws.

I've done that.

 

[Dagger311]

I've done that.

So have I. Didn't go so well.

 

[Adamgp]

So have I. Didn't go so well.

Hammer must not have been big enough.

 

[Team THRT Drift]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

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*incoming dad joke*

What do you call a fake noodle? an IMPASTA!

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Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.
Police: Yay

 

[Charlie A]

Not much of a joke... just a bit of a pun.

Spoiler

 

[TenEightyOne]

Not much of a joke... just a bit of a pun.

Spoiler

View attachment 267355

You, out, now. And take yer mates.

 

[Storm_SP17]

You, out, now. And take yer mates.

Funniest joke in this thread!

 

[ProjectWHaT]

Not much of a joke... just a bit of a pun.

Spoiler

View attachment 267355

Incorrect. That's a wing, not a spoiler.

(top car has a spoiler, bottom car has a wing)

 

[jtv90069]

Old beer advert.

 

[Storm_SP17]

Incorrect. That's a wing, not a spoiler.

(top car has a spoiler, bottom car has a wing)

Every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you...
Party Poopeeeeeerrr....
Party Pooperrrr......

 

[TenEightyOne]

Incorrect. That's a wing, not a spoiler.

(top car has a spoiler, bottom car has a wing)

No.

 

[ProjectWHaT]

No.

Spoilers on the rear of a car are known as wings when the fascia that produces the drag and down-force is physically separate from the body

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoiler_(automotive)

 

[TenEightyOne]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoiler_(automotive)

I hate to continue this in the jokes thread... but your quote says "spoilers on the rear of a car are known as wings when the fascia that produces the drag and down-force is physically separate from the body" so you accept it's a spoiler. Move on, paaarty pooooper. We know what a spoiler is and with any more of your antics our ribs might simply burst apart with hilarity.

Anyway...

A man takes his dog into a bar and orders a pint. He sits drinking, watching Hull City on the TV. They lose.. and the dog starts crying.

"Oh my GOD!" says the dog, "They lost, oh my GOD!", beating the bar with his paw.

"Does he always do that?" asks the barman.

"Only when they lose" says the owner. The barman looks at the dog, "What does he do when they win?"

"I don't know", says the owner, "I've only had him for 6 months".

 

[Charlie A]

Very sorry to...er... get off topic...

 

[CSMDuty11]

What do you call a Honda Integra with Lancia parts?

An Integrale.
[insert thrown bricks]

 

[Touring Mars]

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish pub.

The barman says: "Oh no, not yew tree again!"

 

[Storm_SP17]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

 

[wvmgmidget]

What happened to the penguin in the desert? It died (anti joke)

 

[GTO_VR4]

A friend of mine told me that he was gonna get married to a loaf of bread (No idea why)
So I told him to be careful cause he might get a yeast infection

Okay. I'm done.

 

[W3H5]

A beautiful snow white stallion walks into a bar, orders a pint.
Barman looks at him in amazement and says "blimey! How funny, do you know there are pubs all across the nation named after you?!"

The stallion looks at him puzzled and replies "There are pubs called Steve?"

 

[TenEightyOne]

A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot and is shocked to find they're £1500 each. The shopkeeper tells her he has one other one, it's been returned by a customer and she can have it for £200. She ums, ahs, then takes it home.

As soon as it's on the new perch in the living room the parrot looks round happily.

"New brothel! New brothel!". The woman's shocked.... then the parrot hops onto her arm. "New brothel, new madame, new madame!".

The woman's eldest daughter hears the noise and comes through to see what's going on.

The parrot is ecstatic; "New brothel! New madame! New girls! New girls!".

Then the woman's husband gets in from work - the parrot snaps it's head round and says "Hello Keith!".


Delete if over the line... I wasn't sure

 

[TB]

Delete if over the line... I wasn't sure

First off, when in doubt, either don't post it or ask the staff first.

Second, it's fine. 👍

 

[TenEightyOne]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "Can you make me one with everything?".

The Dalai Lama doesn't get this joke, source.

 

[Team THRT Drift]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

 

[Jedi2016]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "Can you make me one with everything?".

The Dalai Lama doesn't get this joke, source.

HA! I didn't realize that someone actually told it to him. He does have a good sense of humor, after all.

 

[W3H5]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Would be better to use the term birthday than date of birth. You're not born every year, are you?

 

[wvmgmidget]

Would be better to use the term birthday than date of birth. You're not born every year, are you?

I respawn if that counts

 

[Team THRT Drift]

Would be better to use the term birthday than date of birth. You're not born every year, are you?

Don't shoot the messenger.

That's an actual convo in court between the prosecutor and the defendant

 

[McLaren]

Heard this on the radio tonight.

Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his trousers.
Bartender says, "Eh, you got a wheel on ye trousers."
"I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"