Jokes!!

  • Thread starter DQuaN
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So a Ferrari, McLaren and Lamborghini go to a car show. Lol jk the Ferrari caught fire going there
Horrible joke :)
 
Some of these "jokes" need some help.

- - - - -

I was the last customer at a store the other night. The girl behind the register said "Strip down, facing me."

It didn't dawn on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card. The good news is bail isn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be.
 
Man walks into a supermarket and gets recognised by an attractive woman.
Woman starts waving to the man who is a little perplexed.

Woman "Hello, do you remember me?".

Man "Um no not really"

Woman " Your the Father of one of my Children "

Man thinks crikey! I've only ever been unfaithful to my wife once.

Man. " Are you the stripper I shagged on the pool table, in front of my six mates? "

Woman. " No I'm your sons teacher ".
 
Try this one out.Walk up to someone and ask them to say "knock knock".After they have said it to you ask them "whose there?.The confusion on their faces always cracks me up
 
TB
I was the last customer at a store the other night. The girl behind the register said "Strip down, facing me."

It didn't dawn on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card. The good news is bail isn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be.
:lol::lol::lol:
 
What does an auctioneer need to know?
------

Lots.
 
A chap walks into a bar with a huge tiger on a leash. He takes a stool at the bar and asks the barman "Do you serve Mexicans in here?"

The barman replies "Why, of course sir, we're not racist here!"

To which the man says "OK, I'll have a Guinness and make it a Mexican for my tiger."
 
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or complain.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
 
So today I was in orchestra standing next to my ex. I told her 3 words. Dream on beep female dog beep. After that she refused to talk to me :)
 
So today I was talking to my ex. 3 words I said were
Dream on b***(you figure out the rest)
So today I was in orchestra standing next to my ex. I told her 3 words. Dream on beep female dog beep. After that she refused to talk to me :)
So because you didn't get a reaction when you posted it three days ago, you reworded it a bit and tried again? :odd:
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
Hopefully this one is ok.If it is feel free to delete it.

There are these ducks who get into trouble for blowing bubbles in a park so they have to go to court.

The judge asks the first duck what is your name? My name is Duck, he says.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then asks what is your name?My name is Duck Duck.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then says,let me guess your name is Duck Duck Duck.The duck replies no,my name is Bubbles.
 
Hopefully this one is ok.If it is feel free to delete it.

There are these ducks who get into trouble for blowing bubbles in a park so they have to go to court.

The judge asks the first duck what is your name? My name is Duck, he says.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then asks what is your name?My name is Duck Duck.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then says,let me guess your name is Duck Duck Duck.The duck replies no,my name is Bubbles.

:lol::lol::lol:
 
Starfirebird
Hopefully this one is ok.If it is feel free to delete it.

There are these ducks who get into trouble for blowing bubbles in a park so they have to go to court.

The judge asks the first duck what is your name? My name is Duck, he says.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then asks what is your name?My name is Duck Duck.The judge then asks,is it true you were blowing bubbles in the park?Duck Duck replies yes sir with a sad face.

The judge then asks for the next duck and then says,let me guess your name is Duck Duck Duck.The duck replies no,my name is Bubbles.

:lol: Brilliant! 👍
 
You've probably all heard this but it was on sickipedia and I thought you guys would like it. It's probably going to get me an infraction or two too. :P

My job is so unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big dog to work.

Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single day.Anyway, I drive these idiots around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.
 
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Some one liners from Gary Delaney on Mock The Week that amused me...

Old lady names are very much back in fashion at the moment like Lily, Elsie, Rose... We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn't decide, so in the end we just called here Nan. Told her she'd grow into it.

I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude and I couldn't. But he's dead now and I'm not, so I win.

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph. That's because he's slightly acidic.

My married friends always tell me there's someone out there for everyone, and I think "Wow. She must be a right slag."

Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad. Crap, stop the funeral...

My grandad asked me how to print from his computer. I said "Just Ctrl-P." He said "I haven't been able to do that for years."
 
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